the edge

i am on the edge, people.

seriously.

on the edge.

not only has the music in my heart died, it's been replaced by the horror about which i wrote yesterday. i can't decide if that's a reflection of my insanity or the cause of it. i am having trouble finding a reason to get out of bed in the mornings.

i want to run around the hospital and pants all the doctors and pull all the patients' gowns over their heads. i want to put something awful-tasting in the coffee in the lounge, like maybe vinegar or nacho cheese. i want to show up in my street clothes and run around shouting "BOOYA!" throwing various gang signs with one hand and candy with the other. like, one smartie at a time.

i am becoming increasingly obsessed with the bulb syringe, and i want to go about commenting on everyone's blogs using only the words "blue rubber bulb", for i am beginning to see how it really is the answer to many more of life's problems than we realize. ooh! maybe i'll dress up as santa and go about the hospital delivering blue rubber bulbs tied up in shiny bows. or i could just leave them in people's purses and white coat pockets, in hopes of prompting them to consider the way of the blue rubber bulb, and everyone would wonder who the blue bulb bandit is.

i want to get some grilles (gold, of course) on my teeth, just for the opportunity to get up in front at my daily morning presentation and grin broadly as i walk up to each person in the front row and flick them each once, hard, on the forehead.

i want to bleach my hair blonde and behave mockingly and derisively toward people who bleach their hair blonde.

i want to run around pretending to be a government official providing people with certified permission to reproduce. and of course, i'd have a handful of fake cards saying "DENIED".

somebody please just give me a nudge. then i'll fall over the edge, and i'll have a good excuse.

BLUE RUBBER BULB!

horror

not only has the song gone out of my heart, it has been replaced by horrible drivel from the media around me. take this frightening example, from a movie that was on tv as my family flipped through the channels this weekend. it's in my head, and it won't go away, surfacing at the most inappropriate times (such as the initiation of femoral vein puncture and catheter placement today in the lab).

you're my little choochie face
my coochie, coochie, woochie little choochie face
every time i look at you i sigh

and you're my little teddy bear
my lovey lovey dovey little teddy bear
you're the apfel strudel of mine eye

your choochie woochie nose
your choochie woochie eyes
they set my heart aflutter
your oochie coochie ways
your oochie coochie gaze
wilt me down like melting butter

you're my little choochie face
and you're my teddy bear
together we're a choochie woochie, oochie coochie pair...
choochie, woochie, oochie, coochie pair
choochie
woochie
oochie
coochie
paaaaaaaair

someone please wash my brain free of the horror! the horror!

choose my adventure, part 2

ooooooOOOOOOoooh!

i have a vacation coming to me next block.

OH THANK GOD!

now people. people. what should i do, people????

i've got ideas, but i'd love to hear your suggestions.

choose my adventure

this post has been deleted by the author.

the edge

fun! fun!

funfun! and laughing! music!

hilarity! exclamation points! nonsense! levity!

nobody dying and needing me to save their lives!

and a creme brulee!

is it so much to ask?!

true life testimonial

[smiling widely]

"that thing is so great. i mean, it's the best!"

— dr. s., pediatric cardiologist and father of a six-month old, speaking about the object at hand.

i really meant it when i posted about it. it's really quite a significant object.

persistent impulse

and you know, i think i really DO want to go to london. soon.

draft 4

some severe editing just happened here.

don't worry about it.

dust bunnies and scunge

last night i cracked

and down fell my heart, down, down, through and right past my stomach, until— thud— it landed on the floor, between the toes of my dusty boots, slimy trickles of selfishness and impatience clinging to its surface. on the floor it rolled the slightest bit, picking up dust bunnies and scunge.

bewildered, i look down at the pathetic little lump. evidently i'm not using it, so what's it for? what's in its design?

there isn't the time to figure it out, so i pick it up, put it in my pocket, and, head down, trudge onward.

adulthood

tonight i have augmented my dinner with a glass of (mildly disappointing) chardonnay and chips with french onion dip.

i do enjoy being an adult.

perhaps

it's a potential problem, i suppose— one that has its origin in my tendency toward complete dedication and immersion in everything i do.

perhaps my concept of romantic love is partly derived from the jazz ballads i sing, minus the sweeping strings. i never was a fan of sweeping strings. but yeah, you know, when i sing a song, i try to mean it, you know? it's so much easier to sound like you mean it when you actually mean it. (if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! eeeeeee! just kidding.) so i try to be the woman in those songs, and be sincere with the sentiments the songs express.

so you see how that could be problematic? if it were true, that is. which it could be. i don't know.

thots

1. it comes as no surprise to most of you that despite my appearances and usual tastes and tendencies, i have a weird kid-punk streak in me. one that involves punk, and funk, and leather and bass and beer and boots. maybe it makes me a poser, i dunno. but see, i think this is super cool, and i would totally wear it if i ever went anywhere besides work.

(i like the guinness one. because i like guinness.)

2. okay i just got so distracted by that i forgot what else i was going to say.

touching

also, one thing i didn't mention,

one of the other fellows invited me to celebrate thanksgiving with "them" (whoever "they" are) in case i didn't have anyone to be with.

which i found quite touching. fortunately my family will be in town (of which i'm quite glad), but still, what a lovely gesture. in front of another of the fellows i pretended to get all verklempt, and he actually believed me to truly be tearing up and about to cry, and came over to give me a hug. to which i quickly said, "no, i'm kidding!" and then thought, "either he's really dense, or i am a more convincing actress than i realize. or people just take me VERY seriously indeed."

all that to say, i'm thankful that some of the people i work with are so nice.

sproing!

[hops up and down]

i finished my hard rotation!

[does wiggly booty dance]

draft 3

yeah. another response to the same.

three
yeah? well, you blew it buddy. you were a such a jerk to me. you made your bed, now lie in it and deal with the consequences of your actions.

draft 2

also in response to this.

two

dear friend,

thanks for your message. that's good to know.

cb

draft 1

remember this?

one

dear [former friend who unexpectedly decided i was racist and who would not listen to me or believe in me],

i think you know that you were one of the best friends i've ever had. we may not have the same values (and i'm not racist) but to an important degree we understood each other. it bothered me that you did not understand this about me (that i'm not racist), and after seven years of friendship i expected that you knew me well enough to know that, and loved me well enough to have overlooked that even if it were true.

i still love you as the friend you were to me, and, as you know, real love is steadfast and eternal. i guess that is what matters most.

that is all.

two things

1. does anyone else feel as though madonna's trying to do what gwen stefani has already done? does anyone else wonder why i've even noticed when i don't care much for either artist?

2. "i know, right?" where did that phrase come from, and why does everyone around here say it?

humorous

i've always found this particular object inherently humorous.


and now, with all the different ways it relates to so many things and people and situations in my life, it is also ironically and symbolically funny.

hee hee hee.

lots of thots

lots of thots swirling about in my head.

firstly, (which i am told is not a real word, and you know what? today someone else told me that he did not believe "gingerly" is a word, when, in fact, of course, it is, and i use it judiciously, which is also a great word) my head? my head has bird poo on it. which makes me a poohead.

secondly, (continuing in the vein of adverbs, which is much less intimidating and technically diffcult than continuing in a pulmonary vein, or perhaps a femoral vein. just kidding. the continuing part is easy, it's the inital access that's tricky) maybe i'll share the thoughts i have/had.

i think i need to reset then.

*********************************

"i am fat, and don't like it," she said.

"ah," i said. "well, i am thin, and let me tell you, it's SO great!"

no. of course i didn't say that. i wouldn't say that because it would be rude. and would it be rude to say later, to others, behind her back? maybe, maybe not. and would it be rude for me to make that statement in a different context entirely? of course not.

*********************************

eschemo survivor, i never finished that post on blog etiquette because i couldn't find or figure out any definitive rules. for example, which was worse? when sam freedom flat out disagreed with me and was rude to me in comments on my blog? or when josué wrote on his blog that he had disdain for a particular post style of mine? please ignore the incorrect punctuation there.

sam freedom was antagonistic and came across as a troll, but after reading josué's post, i felt that he was a bit cowardly for saying something insulting from the safety of his own blog. neither sam nor josué are bad guys, i'm sure. as a matter of fact, i wonder how josué is doing and i hope that he is okay. but the point is that neither of those options seem to be, you know, on the up and up.

my conclusion this time around is that blog circles are like dialogues. conversations. operating under this assumption, some observations:

1. it is more acceptable to interrupt and work one's way into a blog circle without being invited, but one must still exercise caution. don't come on too strong or make yourself too much at home before you are welcomed, or one comes across as did my blogstalker several months ago— unwelcome.

2. posting, within certain blog circles, might just be considered one side of a dialogue. but sometimes it's not. and that depends on the context of (i suppose) how closely your blogs are linked to one another. an example is the above scenario. if we had been talking TO one another, what i said would be rude. if the two sentences are completely isolated from one another, it'd be completely acceptable. see?

3. if you don't like what's being discussed in a certain conversation, it's more gracious to simply leave the conversation. why keep going back for more? what's the benefit of being argumentative or getting yourself all worked up?

all this is simply illustrates that for all the silliness of blogs, it's more complex than it ought to be.

*********************************

thirdly, i am totally psyched because i've been let in on some plans to form a-- get this-- a jazz group! and we'd do some bossa too! with some people that i actually like and respect! and we'd perform in a month!

wait. a month?! and wait. i'd be lead singer? and wait. you want to name the group, "the inotropes featuring [camobunny]?" and wait. i'd sing in front of people from the department?

i don't know how i feel about that last one. i don't like being "the help" at a function for people from my own department or other equivalent departments. and i don't like letting people from work in on my separate life, the one that i usually keep all to my very self in all its preciousness. (say it with me— my precioussss...) i'm also concerned that the reputation that precedes me is better than i am. haha.

oof. i just hit the wall. sleepy. must clean. to bed. then clean. in the morning. at 3.

bye

birdie, birdie, in the sky

why'd you do that in my eye?

okay, not in my eye. on my head and jacket.

if i believed in karma, i'd say it was for being a mean and nasty person of late.

but i don't believe in karma. so that means i'm mean and nasty and pooped on all as a matter of coincidence.

great.

accessorize

i was surprised by negative feelings when she mentioned them.

"before we had our daughter, we'd host evening-type parties, [moving index finger in a circle as though rattling off a list] with wine, and jazz..."

it felt almost insulting. (almost.) she had thrown out the words like a c-list celebrity shamelessly dropping names at a function where she does not belong.

jazz is not an accessory.

mixed

so now the copycat is getting married, and wants me to sing at her wedding. this makes a second wedding for the spring upcoming.

i must say, my feelings about that are most strongly mixed.

i've never had to say "no" to such a request merely for the sake of personal integrity.

perhaps there's a first time for everything.

another example

ah, another example of people designing characters in the media to be like me.

i was just about to post a picture of this new little cartoon character who looks a heck of a lot like me, right down to my haircut from last year,

but then i realized it would reveal what i look like. or what i looked like last year. not that i care a whole lot anymore, but it would spoil my fun a bit.

so instead i'll show you this little cartoon character. he's the idiot savant of his show and i find his personality adorable.

something clever

something clever.

hmm. something clever, something...

nope. i got nothing. for now.

this weekend was beautiful and sunny and restful. i awoke at the usual time on saturday with dread filling my heart. i had the whole unit to round on, and i thought to myself, one can do anything for four weeks, but five is over the line. so i lazed in bed 'til 4:15 and then rushed for the rest of the morning— but with what glee did i leave the unit after my "half-day" of work. on my way out, it occurred to me that my half-day was still 8 hours long, but i didn't care. it was beautiful and sunny, and i had a free day and a half!

so i climbed back into bed. [big grin] what a great weekend.

great except for the food poisoning, of course.

in other news, i may or may not have house guests this weekend upcoming. i don't see how this is going to work, seeing as how i'm on call this friday. and then i'm hosting my family for thanksgiving. and i'm on call that friday as well.

so come on down, ever'body! y'all's welcome to stay fer a nite or two at the bunny hutch. i won't be here, so it'll be twice as nice fer ya.

excepting the copycat, of course. she'd better keep on keeping her distance.

and, happy birthday to dwight.

code brown

food poisoning.

it's a good term. accurate. descriptive. it's one of those phrases— you say the two words, and enough said.

yesterday i had food poisoning.

can't help myself

scrubbin' the tub this afternoon, i heard my neighbor start up the shower. a couple of minutes later, i heard him singing a little something. i'm not sure what, but he was definitely singing.

i thought about all the times i sing in the shower. that being, probably, every morning at 4. [blushes] heh heh.

so. ahem. thinner walls than i realized. mental note. no more singing in the shower.

a few hours later, a mess from cleaning, i got in the shower. and before i realized it...

when i had you to myself
i didn't want you around
those pretty faces always made you stand out in a crowd
but someone picked you from the bunch
one glance was all it took
now it's much too late for me to take a second look

oh baby give me one more chance
(show you that i love you)
won't you please let me
(back in your heart)
oh darlin' i was blind to let you go
(let you go baby)
but now since i see you in her arms
(i want you back)
yes i do now
(i want you back)
ooh ooh baby
(i want you back)
yeah yeah yeah yeah
(i want you back)
na na na na...

poetry

one
'tis misfortune that leaves me
in such a mental hole as this
whilst i wait for thee, o redeemer,
i shall ponder:
who's been touchin' my stuff?
you toucha my stuff, i breaka yo' face!
i breaka, i breaka, i breaka yo' face!

two
i love a wheat roll with a slice of tomato
and a big crunchy cockroach, hey, hold the mayo.
my lovely roach sandwich, i savor the taste,
you toucha my sandwich, i breaka yo' face!
i breaka, i breaka, i breaka yo' face!

i had to give you those two for background so that i could quote the one i've actually been thinking about lately, the third in the series.

three
my heart hangs heavy with sadness.
the blossom of my youth has vanished!
who toucha the blossom of my youth?!
you toucha the blossom of my youth...

aaaaah, hahaha. ha. blast from the past, eh?

ha!

passive aggression

[subtitle: why i don't associate with such women. you know, THAT sort.]

they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, but you know what? sometimes it is simply obnoxious. (funny how that word is always the first to come to mind.)

of course, that's why that phrase exists. to keep some of us calm.

but then. to imitate, and then to insult? behind my back? insufferable.

and now what i have to say about the situation is

girl, i don't wanna be like you!

wish i could transmit the vocal inflections on that one for you. i also wish i could explain to you how apt that phrase really is in the situation.

and now. i'm done. i was trying, but i quit.

walk away, bunny. walk away.

yay medicine

pediatrics that is.

(WCM = whole cow's milk)

an important point is the phenotype of the excessive WCM milk drinker beyond infancy; these patients are often raised using the bottle or "sippy cup" as a pacifier which invariably leads to excessive milk consumptions as illustrated [in a previously discussed case]. the children are invariably overweight and are at risk for obesity later in life. they are often profoundly anemic and "waddle" into the office carrying a large container of milk and will become hysterical if the their "crutch" is taken away from them. the source of Fe deficiency is not blood loss, but a "starvation" of Fe due to the extremely low content and low bioavailability of Fe in WCM. the patients become satiated and do not consume alternative sources of calories such as iron fortified cereals or meats resulting in the phenomenon. it is important to note that this usually presents at 2-3 years of age and thus this patient's severe anemia may be due to the convergence of the occult blood loss of WCM of infancy and the second Fe starvation mechanism described [in the] relatively young child. the most important point is for clinicians to counsel families to prevent using milk as a pacifier and the need to obtain a diet and balanced calories from other food sources which have higher Fe content (Fe fortified cereals and meats).

i jes' think it's an interesting and astute observation. i like how it's worded, even if it was said by one of my least favorite people ever. i also like that the words "phenotype" and "sippy cup" are used in the same sentence.

yay pediatrics.

button

to my friend (belated)

evidently someone else missed your point.

if i could be a ray of sunshine for you

bringing warmth and growth, i would.

but as you know, i'm not sunshiney. i'm just not.

so here's a warm hug instead.

[hug]

sweet

so the resident (my junior, my charge) came into the interview just a bit late. no big deal. we finished, and as we left the room, she said, "i'm really sorry i didn't come in earlier. i saw you walk by, but i didn't realize who you were. you look so young, i thought maybe you were some medical student."

sweeeeeeet.

entrance

i wonder how much force it takes to kick in a door.

because i think it would be fun to enter a room that way.

i'll bet it's harder than it looks.

tell me,

in which attributes of yours do you feel your identity is most deeply established?

what if those attributes of yours were taken away? with what would you identify?

do you even know what i mean?

i'm learning an old lesson, one i knew in my head but have never had reinforced in my heart. you know the one. the one that says that your identity is neither established by nor comprised of your attributes.

suddenly it's hard for me to understand.

what did you do this weekend?

well, yesterday i tore a hole in a baby's heart.

on purpose. to help him. it worked.

and then i came home and slept.

and now i'm eating pie.

that's all.

i report it to you.