i wonder if insomnia breeds self-righteousness. or perhaps it's just the self-righteous who experience a worsening of their attitudes when they can't sleep.
ahem. hi. cb here.
it's been a good time. i am satisfactorily married. my job is satisfactory, and i have two awesomely satisfactory dogs. i live in a satisfactory house in a satisfactory city.
satis, sated, enough. factory, something that makes.
so why the dramatic post title?
i'm trying to be a very good person in the real world. i have to work out some badness in the blogosphere. that's why.
so i am killing this friendship. i hope it's the right thing to do.
she's never been there for me, really. "i love you dearly," she said, but i have to wonder, "how?"
how is that possible? she never thinks of me, never considers me, never contacts me. assumes that i follow her every move, every facebook status, every blog post. oh, except for the "secret blog" which she thinks i don't know about, but she mentioned to me. mentioned to me but didn't share with me, a so-called "best friend".
no. best friend? no. in fact, i would argue that she has no real best friend. not even in her husband. she is too caught up in herself to be able to engage in a relationship that is outside her own head, a relationship that involves loving someone and putting someone's interests and needs as a priority. instaed, her love affair is with
that's right. with you, oh grand internet audience. she lives for you and your approval. over the years i have watched her preen herself in her little swan costume as she dances on this virtual stage for this imaginary audience. not that she hasn't got an audience. no, she is quite popular with blog-readers and facebookers. she practically has an international fan club. they fawn over her, lavishing her with oodles of praise and gifts. yes, even gifts! and yet, ahem...
IT'S NOT REAL. HELLO?!
so what? if i claim to be a "real friend", why would i abandon the friendship? wouldn't a real friend try to work it out?
i have. for years. over a decade. and over the years i have grown. i have learned so much about love, and responsibility, and putting others' needs before mine. i'm not great at it, and have fallen and scraped my knees along the way. it's been arduous and tortuous, but it's been a life-changing, educational journey that has left me a better person. i've grown.
and she hasn't. in fact, she's become dysfunctional, regressing into childish behavior. rude and bizarre, in real life she is quite off-putting to those who meet her. a few minutes into a conversation in any direction reveal deep-rooted selfishness and an inability to interact with others because she is incapable of caring about anything that isn't her or hers. people meeting her ask me things like, "what's with her?" and "is she okay?" no, no she's not.
then they ask me why i am friends with her. and now i have to say, i don't know.
she used to be fun. she used to be kinda sweet, but thinking back, she's never been one to bring much to the relationship except fun. she was fun. and interested and talented in things my other friends weren't as interested and talented in. so by being with her and around her i got to have fun, and to revel in things i couldn't with others.
now she is consumed by those things. things. things over people. ideas over relationships.
her ideas are superior to yours. she will let you know. and she will be rude and insulting about it.
she needs help. she needs counseling. she needs a friend to point this out. why not me?
i suppose one could wonder if i'm too much of a coward to say anything. you know, i've explored that, and i don't think it's the case. i don't say anything because she couldn't handle it, nor would she believe it coming from me.
i'm not afraid to say it. i'm afraid of destroying her by saying it. because it would have very ill effects on her fragile psyche.
hence the blog post. cowardice? maybe. but practical and non-hurtful.
because she doesn't read my blog.
the blog post. so passive. so meaningless. so therapeutic for me, so
selfish of me.
yes, i confess that i know it's selfish of me. it's for me that i end the relationship. i tire of having my feelings hurt, of being abandoned in times of need, and of being insulted. i refuse to watch my other loved ones be insulted by her. i can't keep giving, or i'll be left empty, as she never reciprocates. her neediness is a black hole. one can't build both sides of a bridge. etc.
so i am selfishly ending the relationship to put an end to the negative things i experience. i have to be healthy and happy. honestly, wasn't it a selfish thing for me to have started the relationship in the first place, because it was based primarily on fun? so what's wrong with ending it?
interestingly, she has no idea. she has absolutely no idea how i feel, or even that we're not friends anymore. because she hasn't thought about me. she hasn't noticed i'm gone.
and that, to me, is justification enough.
now back to our regularly scheduled good behavior.