10/19/2004

i was a-rummagin' through my e-mail to find something i wrote a little while ago. i was going to share it with you to help explain the addition of my new "theme song du jour" feature.

i found this instead and don't remember having written it at all. i kind of like it. so here it is. edited as i saw fit.

have you ever had one of those days when you can't stop embarrassing yourself? and maybe it's just stuff that no one else notices, it's just like, "aw man, why did i have to open my mouth and say THAT?" and other people, most of whom don't matter or you're never going to see again, don't notice anyway, or even if they do, who cares?

have you ever had one of those days when everything just makes you think of something else? like you are going through life as a reference to everything else besides your life?

have you ever had one of those days when you realize just how consequential each word you say, each action you perform, really is? like how do i tell this mother the diagnosis of her child in a way that won't scar them both for life? how do i keep from becoming an important person in their lives while telling them the most important words they may hear in a long time? especially since they may never see me again?

have you ever had one of those days when everything looks grey, no matter what color it really is?

have you ever had one of those days when you realize you hate all the people you work with?

have you ever had one of those days when you just want to NOT do the right thing? where you'd rather just be hateful, or maybe just selfish, and to actually go out and use your abilities to go out and just take what you want for once? to not put others first, not work for the future, not try to be good or right or responsible? to not even think about what the right thing is but to just do what you feel like? to act without thinking? isn't it weird to realize there are people who live that way all the time?

have you ever had one of those days when you realize just how inconsequential you really are?

have you ever had one of those days when you turn up the heater in your place and hang around in your underwear, just because you feel like it? that's doing what you feel like without trying to be good or right or responsible!

have you ever had one of those days when you realize nobody knows who you are? like spiderman-- spiderman.

have you ever had one of those days when you realize how many people you have love for, who don't know it?

have you ever had one of those days when you realize, "wow, pms is real."

have you ever had one of those days when you realize there are all kinds of people out there who never ever ever think about things the same way you do?

have you ever had one of those days when the only people you make a real connection with are kids? like the kid in clinic today who was shy at first, but then started wanting to tell me all sorts of things. much more than adults ever want to talk about.

have you ever had one of those days when you realize that looks really do matter in your day-to-day life?

have you ever had one of those days when everything seems to have a deeper meaning?

i've had quite a day today.

sounds like it.