thankful

in other news,

the ink stains (seriously, seriously dark ink stains) on my off-white microfiber couch

have been cleaned away! i can't see them anymore!

i am thrilled with the result.

did i mention that i tend to keep my living room lighting rather dim?

what? one can't be pessimistic all the time.

the lesson to be learned here, kids, is that it's totally worth investing in the stain protection package.

oh my gosh i'm talking about furniture. how old am i?

fear and disgust

i just spent a long time purging a particular area of of fruit fly maggots.

i am about to implode from all the internal screaming i've been doing.

ok. now i have to go have some maggoty nightmares.

later.

word of the day

in the search for les mot juste in a piece that camodidi is writing, he and i came across the word

coadunate

suddenly it became the exact word that we were looking for. it was indeed the perfect word for the situation.

the problem was that if he were to use it,

his readers would have no idea what he meant to say.

and we think it's really funny. not the word, but the situation. we say "coadunate" to mean everything now, especially if we're looking for words, and we giggle like idiots.

ah, nerd-dom

p.s. i am considering starting a crusade to save the subjunctive voice. don't forget the subjunctive, people! as it were...

emotions

i am angry right now. angry at someone who did something to me.

and don't tell me to be happy. i will transfer the anger through my fist into your face.

then we'll see how happy you are.

but i might be a bit happier after that.

luv,

cb

get to know me

being who i am, you can't really know me completely unless you make a foray into the music that i enjoy.

i've added a list of my internet radio stations to my sidebar. it is ugly because the radio program dictates the template, but i am okay with that for now. i just thought i'd add it because good music is awesome.

it's a work in progress. i'm adding new stations frequently, and i'm still sculpting each station i have. my current favorite station, for example, the one called "chickie blues", still has plenty of dudes singing the blues on it. i'm getting closer to making each station what i want over time, though. now if only some classical music were available through this service! that's its major flaw. a minor flaw is that you do have to sign up for the radio thingie in order to listen, but honestly, there is minimal hassle. and that's coming from fussy little me.

please enjoy.

word of the day

today's word of the day is

avolitional

try it. you might like it.

if you feel like it.

or not.

the power of words

the sight of them caught me by surprise and made me catch my breath.

"... can't wait to see you."

i think one of my problems is that i succumb easily to the power of words. words, words, words. simple words. common words. why should they be so powerful? and the simplest words and phrases hit me the hardest.

it must be a phrase that is commonly used. it has to be. so why should i have to think it means something?

i'm trying to convince myself it doesn't.

and in so doing, the fact is,

i don't believe it's true.

awesome

you know what's awesome?

when... um...

crap. i forgot.

seriously, i totally just forgot.

problem

I JUST GOT INK STAINS ON MY UPHOLSTERY!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

confession

i love it that people started spontaneously calling me by an abbreviation for my name.

'[cam]'

it makes me feel happy.

letters

i wrote a nasty letter yesterday.

when did i become a nasty-letter writer? about three years ago, when enough abuse was enough.

i don't want to be one of THOSE people, but, as my friend dr. ragout used to say, if you don't know the ropes, you get jacked. i just don't want to get jacked.

here's my letter.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am extremely dissatisfied with the service I have thus far received.

After having agreed to use your company for moving my piano and giving out all my personal contact information, I was told by someone named Z---- to expect a phone call within 4-5 days to make further arrangements. I did not hear from you.

Because of my job, I rarely have time to make calls during usual hours. Despite this, I called multiple times this week to learn the status of things. No one answered the phone. I left a message requesting a call for clarification. I did not hear from you.

I had someone at the pick-up point for the piano call you today. She was, for some reason, referred to a driver in a completely different area of the country and was told that the piano had been picked up. Of course she knew this was not true, as the piano is still in her home. When this fact became evident, another move “within 3-4 weeks” was offered. This is far, far outside the original time frame agreed upon.

It is clear that no one knew the true status of my account, and no one has taken any steps to remedy the problem nor even to proceed with arranging with my move.

Your failure to contact me to make arrangements despite my attempts to contact you and your failure to recognize the status of my account have resulted in a failure to conduct effective business, and leave me with great misgivings about using your company. I am surprised to have had such an experience with a company that claims to have moved pianos for the prominent clients named on your client list.

I recognize the possibility that a misunderstanding has occurred. I would like an explanation for what has happened with my account. I would like to hear reasons that I should choose to allow Schafer brothers to move my piano. As no money has changed hands at this point, I will begin looking for another mover should I remain as dissatisfied as I am.

Thank you for your attention,

[CB]

so, what do you think? did i go too far? and if you think i went too far, you weenie, what other options did i have?

my parents disapprove of my letter. the irony lies in that they are the ones who used to deride me for getting taken advantage of, even when i wasn't being taken advantage of.

i am frustrated.

and my prepositions are dangling.

untouched

today
there is too much life out there for me.
i want to make it all mine,
to seize it, taste it, master it
why should there be so much that doesn't belong to me?
but my youth has passed
and opportunities are dying
and today
i am small.

for all the things that will never be mine
i mourn

just a little.

travesty

what kind of world is this?

today i stepped out of my home to find that someone had left an empty bag of fast food wrappers and a paper cup at my doorstep.

i am bothered by this, and feel violated yet completely powerless to do anything to right the wrongdoing.

so my only question now is,

WAS IT YOU????

progression

i used to be jazz. i identified with its tone, its dissonance, its complexity. i surrounded myself with it. it's, you know, old school. it represents virtuosity and ingenuity. others found it a bit pretentious, i think, but were kind enough not to say as much to me.

i was jazz for about ten years, a long time for anyone to be anything, really. surprisingly enough, over the past several months i have found myself changing.

i am becoming blues.

more on this later.

feedback

today my boss/advisor dude sat me down for my evaluation.

i did not expect much in the way of constructive criticism or feedback. when he asked me what i thought i need from my workplace to help me learn/work better, i couldn't think of anything to say.

we talked briefly about my research and my work goals for this year. he then asked, "is there anything holding you back?"

i thought for a short while, and answered, "motivation. i am much less motivated than i used to be. there are external factors that are related to that."

we then talked about life, and music, and what it's like living alone.

i changed the subject and asked for criticism. he had none to offer, but warned me against being "unrealistically self-critical." he summarized by adding, "you are way, way above average, which completely violates my usual evaluation method using strictly 'below average,' 'average,' and 'above average'. your career trajectory is perfect. you will be fine."

that was the extent of talking about work. we went on to spend a lot of time talking about happiness, and religion, and dating, and music.

i know he spent time with other doctors talking about work.

i defer drawing conclusions for now.

the key to me

simplicity.

i finally figured out what i really want.

all i want is to be able to come home, after a meaningful day of work, to happy simplicity. contentment, support, peace, companionship. music, beauty, balance. i want to come home to an environment— a milieu, if you will— that naturally averts my focus toward the simple, truly meaningful and important things about life.

why didn't i know this about me before tonight?

and isn't it all anyone really wants?

test

test

test test

tessed

tressed

stressed

unimpressed

blogger is broken

sad

virtue is its own reward

and its only reward

flamin' hot cheetos

this is not an advertisement for the spicy salty extruded snack. it's a medical public service announcement of sorts. for the doctors.

it's old news, but no longer being a frontline pediatrician, i was unaware of the flamin' hot cheetos phenomenon until earlier this year. i mean, i knew of them, i just didn't know their role in emergency medicine. now i share with you the knowledge you heretofore did not know you were burning to know.

when it comes to mysterious erythema or inexplicable complaints of "blood", flamin' hot cheetos are the source of all that is red.

chief complaint: redness of hands. on further questioning, child had been eating flamin' hot cheetos and, after finishing, thought it'd be fun to rub the cheetos scunge around on his fingers and hands. rx: wash hands.

chief complaint: nosebleed. on examination, no blood is found, but a flamin' hot cheeto is in the nose. rx: don't put flamin' hot cheetos in the nose. (otherwise, nosebleeds will eventually develop.)

chief complaint: bloody vomit. that ain't blood. that's too many flamin' hot cheetos, baby.

chief complaint: blood in stool. stool tests negative for blood. you guessed it. red dye 40 lake, from flaaaaamin' hot cheetos.

now, i ain't hatin' on the snack. i tried one once. they're pretty tasty, actually, and that's coming from someone who doesn't really care for spicy foods.

i just think it's pretty freakin' funny.

and now the other health risk, documented in this npr radio article.


reporter: "what would happen to me if i ate this whole bag?"

child #1: "you might have the runs."

child #2: "yo' booty might be burnin'"

flamin' hot cheetos!

thingies

i want them.

no, you don't understand. a couple of years ago, my brothers bought me a cd holder. i named him steve. here he is modeling one of my first knit projects.


my cd's are zipped away in his rotund belly, and i adore him.

now you see? i want them.

must be my age

i don't get it.

what does a myspace do?

ten years

in other news, i got carded twice this week.

happy birthday to kieran.

appoint

i am a little bit sad and a little bit mad.

my new friend said, "well i think maybe it's that you have an ability to see things, and how they could be, and you have hope in that, and when people don't live up to that you're disappointed. disappointed is what i'd call it."

i've tried. i've tried not to have hope in people. but i forget, and set myself up again and again. believe though, friend, i do know better. i just forget.

four times in the past week i have been disappointed by the disinterest of others. countless times has my behavior disappointed myself.

and now it gets bigger.