report

i am happy to report that i caught a break today.

• my alarm went off at 0500 this morning. i turned it off, rolled around in bed for a little while, and then got up. i felt refreshed.
• i took my time getting ready, and left at my usual time anyway. this included packing a home-cooked lunch.
• i enjoyed a short and leisurely drive to work. there were no idiots doing dangerous things in the garage, and i got a great parking spot.
• i arrived at work early. i didn't freeze through morning conference.
• i did that one part of my job reasonably well today, as though it is starting to come more naturally. and i was assigned to work with a nice person today.
• i got three new (long-awaited) white coats.
• i found the post office and got my stupid letter postmarked just in time to get my significant rebate back okay.
• i finally got my last password.
• i took a nap.
• i accidentally slept too long for my nap, but was able to cook dinner and prepare lunch for tomorrow and all that anyway and still get to bed at a reasonable hour.
• i had two mini- ice cream sandwiches

sometimes it's just the little things.

i feel very relieved.

surprise report

+2 kg

which, pretty much, is goal.

yay. whew!

i report it to you.

retrospect embarrassment

i don't often sing karaoke. mostly because i have a really hard time picking what song to sing. and that's hard, because if ever i'm present at a karaoke party, there are expectations upon me to sing something phenomenally entertaining. that annoys me.

anyway, today in the car, on the way home, it hit me. that song that i sang at that party that one time, like two or three years ago? the one with all the people from church?

yeah. i didn't know it at the time, but that song was dirty.

really, really dirty.

i promise i didn't know. i had no idea that's what that meant.

honest.

ew.

but i only feel mildly embarrassed. because i didn't know, and so i didn't know. that's all. i just didn't know.

now i know.

and i'll sing it even better next time 'round.

just kidding.

a juicy, thick hamburger
a streak-free shine
a good hard backrub
a nice haircut
brown shoes
a lifetime guarantee

a message from the future

[echoing] future... future...

today's word of the day is

RESPONSIBILITY

i covet your life

camobunny, killer of blogs and ideas

1. dead blog

a blog i read died. i think i may have killed it.

no, it's not your blog.

2. dead idea

i was on a blind date. oh my gosh, i've been on a blind date. let's not go there. anyway, he was in biomedical engineering, and was working on several projects. he was pretty successful, career-wise, and so i assume the funding he had was substantial. substantial.

one of his projects had to do with kids. since i am a paediatrician, he told me a little bit about that one.

so see, there's this thing that kids get done by specialists in the o.r., under a microscope. he wanted to design this device that would allow a pediatrician to do it in the office, thus saving the patient, the family, and the physician time, trouble, and money.

i thought he was kidding. allow me to explain further. this procedure is done on toddlers. inside one of the orifices of their heads.

so i says to this guy, i says, "are you kidding? toddlers don't hold still for you to muck around in there! that's why you take them to the o.r. you gotta knock 'em out!"

his face fell. he wasn't kidding.

i think i killed a million-dollar project, right there, in the seven seconds it took me to say that.

the moral of the story?

don't set up the camobunny on blind dates.

muhahahahahahaha!

by the way

it did keep raining.

it was better.

another word of the day

this one perhaps more relevant to the day.

malcontent.

not discontent. malcontent.

excepting my material situation (and i don't even have my freaking couches yet), i cannot think of a single area of my present or visible future that pleases me.

this includes you.

words of the day

there just happen to be two of them. i'll put them in order of occurrence. as in, when they occurred to me.

effete

maths

currently

by the way, it's a healthy place from a personal growth point of view.

healthy. yeah. like oat bran and wheatgrass juice.

currently

it's raining, and it's late, and i oughtn't be up right now. but i took a ninety-minute nap this evening.

it's raining, and i want to open the windows, and feel all cool and dreamy. but i oughtn't be up, and i am too uncomfortable in my life niche. so instead it's hot, and stuffy, and logical, and works-based in here. and there's no room for dreams. and i think there may be mosquito issues out there anyway.

i haven't listened to real music since i got here.

i can't stop thinking about food. and heaven. heaven trumps food, by the way.

i'm irritable in a smug way. it irritates me that you may be reading this from a nondescript little place in life.

i don't know why and i know this is unfair of me. unfair unless you're judging me. in which case it's quite fair.

i do not feel lonely. i just feel dissatisfied. and ungrateful.

i hope it keeps raining for a few days.

oh hey, look. hope.

survey

tell me how you feel about VPL and why.

a. complete abomination. wouldn't be caught dead with it.
b. don't see what the big deal is. it happens, and it could happen to anyone. no reason to be embarrassed or self-conscious.
c. VPL is sexy.
d. VPL reminds me of my childhood accordion teacher.
e. what's VPL?

drosophila melanogaster

you know that quote about being able to catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?

first of all, that's not from the bible; it's by ben franklin.

secondly, i caught a whole mess of flies (the ones that for two days i've been trying to catch with sweets and/or kill with a rolled-up magazine) a couple hours after setting up a vinegar trap.

wait a minute. ew. this is completely disgusting.

resistance is futile

while in search of the fast-food i happened to be craving (an unusual occurrence), i just so happened to discover the location of the church that i very much did not want to try* despite my parents' cajoling and ridiculous blind hopes for it to be the magical house of future bunny-husbands.

[*let's pretend that i'm black (i'm not) and live in seattle (i don't). the name of said church would then be "seattle black church". can you understand that i'd prefer not to attend a church that defines itself on the basis of isolating a single race? okay. thanks.]

"gah," i thought to myself. actually, i may have said that out loud. "what's that doing here?"

i did my u-turn and pulled into the driveway of the fast-food palace. that's when i noticed the rainbow that had appeared in the sky above.

please agree with me that this means nothing.

question

the next time you are enoying your favourite cheese-flavoured snack, i want you to ask yourself a question.

"is this really cheese-flavoured, or is it just orange and salty?"

lighten up

i needed something to lift my spirits.

i wouldn't say this quite did THAT,

but of course it's always good for a grin.

come on. you know the scene.

missed

the show is going on. right now.

i'm missing it.

i want to blame someone, but i guess it's really no one's fault. not even mine.

dangit.

i'll be here for you

[ring]
"sorry, i'm not home to take your call,"

[ring]
"i can't come to the phone right now,"

[ring]
"we're not available, but if you leave a message,"

an unintentional lie
is still a lie.

underwear

there's something about the new fruit of the loom campaign that really strikes a chord with me. multiple chords, i guess, from multiple ads. i just think they're so funny. either it's something about my odd sense of humor, or they actually really are funny.

anyway.

unsettled

i've that unsettled feeling inside me that usually goes away after i write something.

but i don't know what it's coming from so i don't know what to write about.

maybe it was that embarassing moment today. or maybe the fact that i went down for a three hour nap starting at 2030 tonight.

i guess. i don't know. whatever.

nevermind.

question

does it make you feel better to snipe at other people because it takes your mind off of feeling sorry for yourself? because it makes you feel a little better than them, and therefore better about yourself? are you complaining to draw some attention to yourself, because you feel you wouldn't be noticed otherwise?

maybe you should look into that.

distracted

says my male colleague, who showed me the ropes on call, "so. did you see any hot guys you wanna try to get with last night?"

me: "ha, ha, well, i wasn't really thinking about it, so i guess i haven't yet, no."

colleague: "what do you mean you weren't thinking about it? of course you were. how could you not?"

me: "sorry. i guess i was just too distracted by all the dying children or something?"

evasive maneuvers

i'm sorry everybody. i know it's annoying when i do this, but it's truly necessary this time.

against my better judgment i checked my blog at work. and at work there's one of those dang-blasted "autocomplete" functions on the browser, so when you type a few letters in the address bar, it pulls up some "suggeted" urls. so if you type "ca-", a common first two letters where i work, "camobunny's corner" pops up.

this usually isn't a problem because i just go in and clear the browser history, delete offline content, empty the cache, etc. but on ONE computer, my access to those functions was disabled.

no one will really be all that interested i suppose, but i didn't want to have EVERYTHING pop right up on the screen for any random browser-by who might pull up my blog. especially since i posted about work a few days ago. so i put in a filter page. that's all.

the history will clear itself in twenty days, hence the twenty day filter period.

sorry for the inconvenience.

i hope this doesn't change things between us.

can we still be friends?

bananas and calico

shoplifterrrrrrrrrrrrrrs...
shoplifterrrrrrrrrrrrrrs...

curse you, kieran!

it's stuck in my head,

and i don't even understand it!

curse you, i say! curse yoooooooouuuuuuu...

happy day

1. i wasn't late today.
2. i knew the answers to the questions.
3. though i forgot to pack my lunch i had food to eat anyway-- a lunch from yesterday!
4. i salvaged my shoes. i have been fretting about these shoes, these shoes that look perfect for work and were comfortable and fit me just fine a year ago. then there was the year of scrubs-wearing and no nice shoes, and then i returned to these shoes only to have my heels chewed off, with resulting blood and ooze and whatnot. so i intervened, and did something, and now they are perfectly comfortable again. huzzah.
5. murmur clinic is fun!
6. i got home early and now i get to EAT!
7. and then i get to assemble some pieces of furniture. how i love assembling things. seriously. i love putting stuff together.

come on, folks. don't roll your eyes. the simple pleasures are what i have left.

food casualty

while straining my pasta just now, the strainer lid came off and all my pasta fell down into the garbage disposal.

i'm hungry.

ten ways to get me to stop listening to your sermon

1. use too many made-up words.
2. rhyme.
3. alliterate.
4. preach in anecdotes.
5. prolong the endsssssssss of your wordssssssss.
6. shout.
7. breathe too loudly into the mic.
8. repeat yourself.
9. use catchy phrases.
10. say something wrong.

e-mail order brides

before i begin, i must say that d the candyman mentioned his letter first. i like how he replied to it. by the way, d, is there no "u" in the word "neighbor"?

so evidently this is now the thing. lots of people are getting e-mails from people saying they are young girls who want to get acquainted with people over the internet. most say they want to get out of their country, and maybe to find love. here's the one i got:

Hello friend!!! My name is Yuliya. I for the first time get acquainted through the Internet. I do not know as to begin my letter to you.
Likely I need to tell a little about itself. My name is Yuliya. I live in the city of Kazan. I was born there in July, 30, 1981. I have finished there architecture - building university. Now I work in building the companies. My work is very pleasant to me. To me to like to skate. And as I very strongly like to float. I the sociable, good-natured person. And as I am very romantic. I search for serious attitudes, and I shall be happy to study you closer. I could not find love here and I had to address for the help to the Internet. I want to create real family. To have strong attitudes. I know the English language more likely well. I think, which problems in us with dialogue will not be. I hope, that our dialogue will make sense. It would be fine, if I and you could make Friendship or more than simply friendship. If you are interested in me that write to me on mine
e-mail: [e-mail suppressed]
I shall wait your answer.
Bye!

these poor, poor deluded girls. what makes them think they'll be able to find a friend or more than simply friend here? there are plenty of american women who are failing to find love here already. we don't need any more to be imported. and a "real family"? whatever that is, i doubt they'll get one here. evidently we don't do that anymore; nuclear families are so 1950's. what makes them think they won't get beaten up, locked up, or knocked up and abandoned after a couple weeks or months? and i think it's charming that she mentions dialogue. i don't think the kind of men to whom she's advertising will really value dialogue. and besides, it appears that which problems in us with dialogue WILL be. and the serious, strong attitude probably won't go over very well either.

or wait. are they even girls? maybe these e-mails are from big ol' greasy middle-aged men trying to victimize americans somehow. ooh, actually, that sounds kind of funny. of course, i'm aware that these women are just trying to find a way into our country/out of theirs, and are offering themselves up as brides to do it.

i too am tempted to write back. i want to tell them that if they want to leave their country AND have a good life, pandering to men and offering themselves up as e-mail-order brides is not the way to do it.

besides, us single american girls, we needs our single mens.

GAH.

okay folks,

i just commented on your comments. i try to keep up, i really do, but i'm not quite as good about that as some others are.

as a side note, no one ever comments on my most favorite posts. i assume it is because no one understands them, but who knows?

bed

i'm so ready to crawl into bed— yes, at this time in the early evening— and just lay there, and roll around, and enjoy being in my bed.

i don't know why i don't go to bed more often. it's so great.

and after a couple hours i'll get up, and then i get to go to bed again later tonight.

happy weekend everybody.

how you'll know me

if you're ever in the hospital and you see a female doctor with stupid, predictable, fake-looking highlights and a stupid, predictable tattoo on the stupid, predictable, inappropriately-exposed-at-work small of her back,

that girl will NOT be me.

post-call blogging

evidently blogging while post-call (see today's previous posts) is somewhat like blogging while drunk...

except there are fewer typos.

okay all you pretty people. i will comment on your comments later.

quote of the day

(i should SO not be blogging here and now)

why does the blood go to the lungs?

"because it wants to?"

random fact about me that you'd never have asked

my favorite colors for highlighters are pink and yellow. pink for the big things and yellow for the details.

you know when...

you know when sometimes your brain works the way it was supposed to?

when everything makes sense, and the turning of the gears in your mind reveals to you secrets and truths? when your assessment is accurate and thorough, and solving problems comes easily, and quick mastery of new concepts allows you to start thinking outside the box to put your own spin on things?

why are those moments so fleeting for me?

previous post

well, THAT was dumb.

posting just to post.

[shakes head]

uncertainty

uncertainty is an unpleasant flavor.

it's kind of bland, kind of faint like celery, only slightly sour and slightly bitter.

you can try to cover it up with other flavors, but it lingers. it kind of coats your palate and hovers in the background of other flavors.

someone give me some m.s.g. i want to experience this in its fullness and then be done with it.

blogthing

(my favorite part is "capable of random violence")

you are lightning

beautiful yet dangerous
people will stop and watch you when you appear
even though you're capable of random violence
you are best known for: your power
your dominant state: performing
what type of weather are you?

home

tonight was so not fun.

i guess it was what people do. i'm not like that. i'm glad i'm not like that. i held my own, but it was definitely not my scene.

i started home in the rain at about 0130. i didn't mean to, but i started singing aloud on the drive. (i do that sometimes, reflexively, especially after a rough night. it helps to calm me.) that's when i found that i was hoarse from the yelling just to make normal conversation. er, not normal conversation. small talk. [shudder]

what comes out when i am singing by myself? usually the last song i heard on the radio 'cause it's fresh in my head, some church song, or a jazz ballad. so tonight, with hoarseness? (remember, hoarseness = sultriness.) "corcovado" and "cry me a river". (of course.)

i miss it so much.

jazz is home.

addendum

evidently,
at my new job, everyone is

morally inferior.

it's complicated

physician, heal thyself

yesterday i felt compelled to give some important advice to camodidi.

don't waste your time or emotional energy being anxious. that anxiety can occupy your thoughts and make you freak out about every little thing. i don't know how best to do it, but what you need to do is relax into it. we naturally function at pretty high levels, and our anxiety only interferes with that level of function. in other words, don't worry about it; just do it. then it will go better.

it "only" took me six hours to realize that i seriously need to follow that advice myself.

scylla and charybdis

i may no longer allow my mind to dwell upon my usual worries, those concerns over my future that so often assemble to form a beast who haunts my consciousness and, upon occasion, grows strong enough, ugly enough to freeze my heart in a silent, hopeless fear.

no; no more of this, for today i got a full-on description of what my year at work will be like.

holy crap.

i'm paralyzed and numb. too much so to be afraid or even to throw up. (i'm not leaving the barf bucket behind, though.)

arriving home this afternoon i got this feeling in my chest, this sort of "i'm supposed to be panicking and worried about something, but there's absolutely nothing that will help, nothing i can do" feeling. i can't even consult an algorithm or formulate a plan (as is my habit) to provide me some comfort.

i guessed at that moment that this is what helplessness must feel like. up until now i've been playing in the water, splashing about, learning to swim and dive. i've trained in swift currents and gotten stronger. now i'm encountering this sudden whirlpool, this maelstrom, this all-consuming, swirling vortex of torment. i am going to be pulled in by a powerful undertow, submerged, my head battered upon rocks beneath the surface as i am dragged hither and thither like a rag doll, not to come up to surface for a year. a year. after which time i will be expectorated.

relief? perhaps briefly. but then— twice more. this will last for three years.

i've never felt like this before. never ever.

then again, i've never faced two such horrible monsters in my life.

i wonder...

i wonder if finding a spouse is anything like selecting a car or furniture to purchase.

you try to be very careful because it is a long-term, high-risk, expensive investment. you spend all this time searching and searching, and there are just so many of them out there but nothing seems quite right. so you decide that even though there may be some things that you don't like, you are choosing to live with them because you perhaps very much like some of the other things.

later, every time you may be annoyed by one of these things, you will have to remind yourself of the choice you made.

i have no opinion on this. i'm just wondering.

you are aware of my furniture situation, are you not? and are you aware of how much i love my ride, my ride so fly? interesting.

i love a chaise lounge

and i don't care who knows it.


(no i didn't buy it)

at my new job

at my new job, everyone else is

wildly successful,
extremely intelligent,
unflaggingly industrious,
unfathomably talented,
flamingly competitive,
physically attractive,
accomplished, aggressive, confident, effective, efficient, heroic, outgoing, organized, and published.

(ran out of good adverbs)

seriously. every one of them. i am not exaggerating because there is no need to; this is my blog.

see this little thing that i'm doing? this little bunny hop-hop-hoppity-hopping? no, it's not a peepee dance. it's me wanting to freak out.

i want to freak out, but i can't. i can't because deep down i know it's a freaking miracle that i even got this job, and God has protected me and deliberately guided me into it, and caused me to appear to shine in all the other horribly hard jobs i've had and as an added bonus made all those other jobs not so hard. knowing that counters the freaky-outy-ness inside me somehow.

i also cannot freak out because, i think, i subconsciously won't let myself because a) it won't help anything and b) it will take up too much time and energy, both of which i must conserve for this next year which, i'm told, will be the worst of my entire life.

"but you're going to have a blast," they also say.

and this here is my barf bucket. you know, just in case.

unlovable?

grateful