save the date

guess what—

party at my place!

saturday, feb. 17

i'd love it if you could come...

pre-occupation

i know you know that my fire's out. yes, i am mildly worried about this, but i've got a three-year program to slog through, a significant easing of the yoke come july, and vacation coming up this weekend, so i keep plugging along.

one thing i realized just tonight is that i might regret that i do not have a job that allows me to do much in the way of expressing my own style, applying creativity, or honing my natural talents.

if anyone can come up with a way i could work that into my career, i'd be endlessly grateful.

dangerous changes

something's up. still.

today i crossed the line.

i hit a guy.

no, not like i hauled off and punched him. i was talking all out of my head ("don't you EVER accuse me of not doing my work!") and i thumped him on the chest with the back of my hand.

so. assault and battery is my theme now, is it?

i wish i could say that this is extremely out of character for me.

something tells me, you know, it just might not be.

i apologized immediately.

shame, shame, guilt, guilt, and we move on. he's completely cool with me.

i'm not cool with me though.

THIS, folks, is why i chose not to go into surgery. work cultures can be powerful, and i didn't want to become one of that sort. i'd be way beyond this line by now.

so.

one of the first things i'm going to do on my vacation upcoming is to get a massage.

then i'm going to put on a hair shirt, eat nothing but lotus, and alternate feeling sorry and meditating on self-improvement for the rest of the week.

wha...

what happened?

my TEMPLATE!

noooooooooo...

(translation: the "new" blogger ate my old template, and i lost stuff. curses, curses!)

american i-dull

as the warbles and screeches assault my ears, i can't help but notice how convinced these people are that they are honestly good at singing. i mean, they really, really believe it!

it has made me wonder,

what if i'm actually as bad as they are, and never realized it?!

hee hee hee hee!

even if i am, i'm having a lot of fun, so who cares!

(stay tuned; t minus several weeks before the new group begins. hopefully.)

frank

him: "i slept for seventeen hours after that call night!"

me: "wow. i'll bet you really had to pee after sleeping that long."

why do i even bother opening my mouth?

i can't.

to which she replied,

oh, you can.
you just don't know.

thank you, priscila.

somber

hey.

yeah, so all my posts have been quite somber of late.

no stories of whimsy and trivial delights,
no tales of stupid things that happen after drinking,
no witty or jocular observations about the inane.

but then again, that's just me.

i thought about this a little,
then i wondered,

how many others spend time in blood and death
trying to bring hope and life into lives full of tragedy and fear
on a daily basis? can't be too many.

so.
maybe i'm this way
so others don't have to be.

gracious

one thing i would like to be more of is gracious.

that was an awesome sentence.

what is it, to be full of grace? how can i be gracious when i am being persecuted at home, at work, and now, on the internet of all places, and i feel compelled toward aggression as a mode of self-defense?

i suppose one thing is giving people the benefit of the doubt. instead of jumping to the automatic conclusion that someone is being selfish, spiteful, etc., i will choose to have some grace with or without hypotheses and explanations with regard to what his/her situation might be. i have had several opportunities to do so already, and i find myself a much happier person when i'm not stewing over how horrible people are, and why they do or say horrible things.

the next thing i am going to try to learn is how best to love people when you no longer respect them.

true and true

it's been said that the unexamined life is not worth living.

i say, be careful,

because the over-examined life is also not worth living.

the truth, it speaks to me

and often times, the truth hurts.

it speaks to me, and it helps me in my job and in my relationships. still, sometimes i wish it would shut up.

today twice it spoke to me.

the first one was that a certain someone is going to die overseas. it hit me in a flash. it was incredibly grim. i couldn't say anything. i swallowed it, and the sour feeling in my stomach remains.

the second one was that my friend's marriage is in trouble. that one was less surprising, but still, i'm not sure they realize it fully.

i don't like it, but it is what it is. very ecclesiastical.

once i told a friend of mine the truth as it struck me. she was really upset with me. when it came true several months later, i felt sick with grief for her. but i had been feeling sad for her all those months all along.

sometimes i communicate the truth. at other times, i put my fingers in my ears, shut my eyes tight, and swallow hard, hoping it's not real.

sore spots

well, now i'm on the other side of it.

you know sometimes people (usually women) respond in a completely unexpected way to something you say? often accompanied by high emotion?

i've done that. we all do that.

having done it, now being on the other side of it, i find myself in an unusual place regarding what to do now that i've accidentally provoked such a response. (again, it's my pathological honesty running amok.)

1) stop. think. i think that's the most important thing to do first, before flying off the handle in return. often when it happens, it's because there are issues that lie deeper than you ever realized. you've poked the proverbial sore spot, and you might not even have known it.

2) check your ego. it may be hard to resist defending yourself, especially if the response involves personal insults. be careful, be gracious.

3) ask. it may be appropriate to ask questions to help you understand why you received the response you did. it may not. use your best judgment.

4) explain. sometimes you should explain. sometimes you shouldn't. it depends on whether or not the explanation matters, NOT on whether or not you feel the need to justify yourself.

5) apologize. if you want to preserve the relationship, you should say that you are sorry. and you should be sorry. hear that, guys? not "i'm sorry you got your feelings hurt" or anything lame like that that implies that she is unreasonable. take responsibility for what you said or did, because you did it.

in case you're wondering, yup, i am sorry. i don't ever mean to be hurtful, so if someone is hurt, then it does make me feel bad. i can only hope the hurt dissipates as quickly as it arose.

the air is thick with poetic possibility
and all i have to show for it is this blog

elevator

it was cold. i was mildly annoyed when the elevator stopped again. in from the garage came three women and a little boy. he was african-american, maybe two and a half or three years old. he was so bundled up he couldn't put his arms down very well, and he had great big eyes that were even wider with surprise, wonder, or fear, i couldn't tell. we waited for the elevator to start up again, and his mama asked him, "are you okay? are you cold?" he looked up and silently shook his head. he took a little sidestep toward me, and another, still wide-eyed and looking about. as the elevator went up, he continued to creep over, and very tentatively grabbed onto my coat, right where my leg would be.

"come on, [little guy]. that lady doesn't want you on her." she pulled him away.

but it was so stinkin' cute.

what's it like to be a kid, two and half years old and two and a half feet tall, freezing cold, stomach sinking on a rising elevator where all that's at eye level is black coat fabric and briefcases? why isn't the world safe enough for a little guy to cling to a friendly stranger's coat when he's scared or cold?

it's too bad.

something to think about

maybe i should view it all as "sacrifice".

here's a question. is it sacrifice if it doesn't hurt?

what is the inherent virtue in sacrifice?

from the latin—
sacer: holy, sacred.
facere: to make or do.

ergo, to make holy.

i've been really fortunate and have never really had to sacrifice much. or at least i didn't think i did. today i wonder if the unhappiness that i "feel" is just a part of the sacrifice i'm making.

maybe?

nevermind

postponed indefinitely.

indefinitely doesn't mean "until never". it just means "to a time not currently defined".

bah.

quote for the day

(chosen for its multiple negative and because of my test today.)

in patients with a short anterograde refractory period of their accessory pathway, however, it is rare to see marked lengthening of that value during an accessory pathway study years later, whereas such lengthening, even complete block, in the accessory pathway is not unusual in patients not having a short anterograde refractory period of their accessory pathway.

Lord help me.

face off

they say the best way to handle your fears is to face them directly.

so i eat the herbal soup.

and i've taken on a difficult field, because my field needs smart, committed doctors, and that's a need bigger than my fear of failure or mediocrity.

i clean the mold. but i won't eat it, no, that's too gross.

i am honest and vulnerable as a good friend should be.

i keep quick-release ibuprofen on hand at all times, just in case.

but i don't know what to do about that last one.

fears

what do you fear?

i fear my mom's herbal soup, because it tastes so horrible, and eating it takes me an hour, and it's an hour of pure torture.

i fear failure, but i'm not sure why, and this year of work is curing me of that. i also fear mediocrity.

i fear mold, because it's gross, duh.

i am afraid of getting my feelings hurt.

i fear ever having another migraine.

and most of all,
i am deathly, deathly afraid of growing old
alone.

don't be hatin'

hi.

so remember that friend who wanted to be friends again after over a year and a half of no contact?

parts of me really wanted to be proud and ignore and snub him, but i decided to go ahead and be friendly-like again, without rubbing it in.

because there's already enough hatin' in the world. why perpetuate it?

that is all.

pearls

i drained my cup of the milky tea, and left at the bottom were several pearls of tapioca. i moved my hand to throw the cup away, and something made me hesitate. i hate to be wasteful.

i thought about it some more. staring at the pearls i was about to discard, i wondered, how many relationships have i so discarded? have i similarly underestimated the value of friends and family members? have i missed out on precious opportunities with coworkers, acquaintances, suitors?

the pearls were overly soft and unpleasant to begin with, so i tossed them without regret. as for the other thoughts, the most i can do is be more careful, kind, and loving from this moment on.

so. that's that.

resolved?

oh, and maybe to call people more often. mostly people around here. but i'm not sure about this one.

because how do you feel about voice mail? how do you feel about people who ALWAYS let their calls go to voice mail, so that they can pick and choose what conversations they'd like to have with which people?

'cause there are several many people i'd like to talk to who do that. i don't know, maybe i'm being screened out, but i called, and called, and called and called, and always always ALWAYS got voice mail. and now i have given up. and they can't say it's my fault! they're the ones who discouraged me from calling because they don't answer the phone! and it's not because those folks have a work schedule like i do.

wait. the people around here DO have a work schedule like i do.

so maybe not.

does my blog look different? the edges look different to me. i just switched to the new blogger (only because i'm sick of the annoying things asking me to switch) and now i don't like how this looks.

resolved

to watch less television

to find something each day that i can be thankful or happy about, and meditate on that.

to have a less toxic personality by the end of the year.

you?

developmental milestone

no, seriously. this is huge, people.

whereas i could not before,

i now understand the concept of blues in a major key.

someone come celebrate with me!

we'll sing the blues!

[does wiggly bunny booty dance]

perhaps.

where'd i leave off? oh yeah.

i had a white christmas. not that there was snow (because it rained all day) but that i spent it with white people. ahhahahahaha!... no, wait, i guess that isn't really that funny. but you see, for a non-white child of immigrant parents raised in a society where it's made to seem as though holidays should be celebrated in a certain way (and your family doesn't do that), it was kind of neato to do that, and to really be welcomed and included. so that was pretty cool. and i got to eat real homemade mashed potatoes, which i have only had one other time (thanks saara) in over a decade, maybe two. yeah, that's what i liked best about christmas 2006. mashed potatoes. with LOTS of butter. didn't even need gravy. oh, yeah. (typical cb.)

did i miss my family, who were all congregated without me? honestly, no, because i don't really feel all that removed from them. i felt just the right amount of close to them. we talked, and webcammed, and you know, it was okay. i would rather have been there, yeah, but it was okay. and i don't mean that in a cold and detached sort of way, but rather in a "my family is always with me, even if we're apart" sort of way. so.

it all felt very blah and routine though, with work still in there, comprising the framework upon which all my days were hung. no fun. no joy. just constant! annoyance! busyness! and sleep deprivation.

and now i'm off. for six days. o. my. gosh.

for the first three days? yeah. i sat on the couch drooling and staring off into space, in the general direction of my television. it was glorious, glorious, i tell you! i made a huge mess. i received and assembled my accent tables (they are gorgeous and i am thrilled). and i knitted. i bought yarn and needles for the cupcake hat and am nearly done with the cup part, and made and attached the sleeves for the "tempting" sweater (yeah, the pattern is called that) and am up to the yoke on that, and today i bought some very deeply handsome yarn to make yarnboy's halfdome hat. oh wait, this isn't my knitblog. but no one goes over there to check that, do they? (pics to be posted there soon.)

new year's eve was actually fun. you know what? i'd never been to a new year's eve party. this was my first one. and i'm turning thirty this year! i'm so developmentally delayed. but it was fun, and i didn't have to dance or kiss anyone, but i didn't get to dance or kiss anyone either.

i should have been reading and studying, for i have an oral exam in cardiac electrophysiology upcoming. aw, crap. what is this, med school? it's been yeeeeeears since i've been a student! oh, wait, except that i am a lifetime student. oh yeeeeeeah. so today i went to a teahouse and read that dumb book.

to be perfectly honest with you, i reached a nadir last evening. it was several hours after i watched a lion try to eat a turtle on tv; it failed because the turtle shell was impenetrable. i wished i could be like a turtle, and thought maybe i should be a turtlebunny instead. things spun out from there. it was one of those awful sorrows of the sinful world weighing upon my soul, loneliness approaching hopelessness, challenging God to prove things about life and about Himself and to remind me why i should bother kind of times. then as i tried to sleep but couldn't, i thought of my new friends and all their sorrows, and how i wish i could help them bear their burdens, but i don't know how. i thought of the things i wish i could say to them and the things i hoped for them; about how after each terrible experience we have, we need to stop and think about what Good has been made manifest in us through or around that experience, and to defend that fiercely lest it be destroyed and we be, in our very essence, defeated. i thought about how i needed to apply that to my own life. then i thought about myself, and my search for hope and joy, and my pat little answer about "the key to defeating depression is to remove yourself from the center of your focus" and how i fail to apply that. i thought about the good things in life, joyful, happy times full of love and devoid of strife and pain, and how could life be good or beautiful when those times are so few and far between? and i drifted in and out of sleep, and each experience became a sparkling jewel, perhaps impure or tainted by this or that, but a jewel nonetheless, strung together over the daily routine of life to create a beautiful piece of art. (and i'm not really that into jewelry.) and i thought about how i wish i could express that thought artistically, but i knew i wouldn't be able to manage and i'd probably end up hacking it out awkwardly on this here blog. great. another failure.

i don't know how i managed to finally fall asleep.

and i woke up, and the horrible beeping and other constructiony sounds from the street in front of my home and the sunshine blasting in through my blinds (why don't blinds keep light out?) wouldn't let me sleep in, and i got up, and suddenly i felt like doing stuff. like having tea in a teahouse where i'd never been, and washing my car, and being in a clean, well-lit place, and eating a light, clean lunch, and reading my stupid book and learning from it, and maybe picking up some deeply handsomely coloured yarn, and listening to blues and feeling happy. the things i'd mulled over while tossing and turning in bed that sorrowful night turned out to be full of hope and truth in the light of day. and i realized that hey! the winter solstice has passed, and days are getting longer and brighter.

and then two big things. i learned about blues in a major key. and i found my flash drive.

so. the new year has truly and actually been a hopeful time for me for two years in a row now. it seems strange to me, for i'm not really one to think holidays all that special (blah blah blah, one should exemplify and celebrate love and joy and Christ and thankfulness all year round, you know the idealist that i am), but really, there's been something about each new year that has been warm and hopeful. perhaps it will be my new favorite holiday, new year's day.

what a crappily written post. but hey, it's me; it describes the way the inside of my head is right now, on the eve of the eve of my return to work. i have one more day of freedom.

and now what shall i do?

remind me

come on, people.

i know you can do it.

remind me,

remind me why.