perhaps.
where'd i leave off? oh yeah.
i had a white christmas. not that there was snow (because it rained all day) but that i spent it with white people. ahhahahahaha!... no, wait, i guess that isn't really that funny. but you see, for a non-white child of immigrant parents raised in a society where it's made to seem as though holidays should be celebrated in a certain way (and your family doesn't do that), it was kind of neato to do that, and to really be welcomed and included. so that was pretty cool. and i got to eat real homemade mashed potatoes, which i have only had one other time (thanks saara) in over a decade, maybe two. yeah, that's what i liked best about christmas 2006. mashed potatoes. with LOTS of butter. didn't even need gravy. oh, yeah. (typical cb.)
did i miss my family, who were all congregated without me? honestly, no, because i don't really feel all that removed from them. i felt just the right amount of close to them. we talked, and webcammed, and you know, it was okay. i would rather have been there, yeah, but it was okay. and i don't mean that in a cold and detached sort of way, but rather in a "my family is always with me, even if we're apart" sort of way. so.
it all felt very blah and routine though, with work still in there, comprising the framework upon which all my days were hung. no fun. no joy. just constant! annoyance! busyness! and sleep deprivation.
and now i'm off. for six days. o. my. gosh.
for the first three days? yeah. i sat on the couch drooling and staring off into space, in the general direction of my television. it was glorious, glorious, i tell you! i made a huge mess. i received and assembled my accent tables (they are gorgeous and i am thrilled). and i knitted. i bought yarn and needles for the cupcake hat and am nearly done with the cup part, and made and attached the sleeves for the "tempting" sweater (yeah, the pattern is called that) and am up to the yoke on that, and today i bought some very deeply handsome yarn to make yarnboy's halfdome hat. oh wait, this isn't my knitblog. but no one goes over there to check that, do they? (pics to be posted there soon.)
new year's eve was actually fun. you know what? i'd never been to a new year's eve party. this was my first one. and i'm turning thirty this year! i'm so developmentally delayed. but it was fun, and i didn't have to dance or kiss anyone, but i didn't get to dance or kiss anyone either.
i should have been reading and studying, for i have an oral exam in cardiac electrophysiology upcoming. aw, crap. what is this, med school? it's been yeeeeeears since i've been a student! oh, wait, except that i am a lifetime student. oh yeeeeeeah. so today i went to a teahouse and read that dumb book.
to be perfectly honest with you, i reached a nadir last evening. it was several hours after i watched a lion try to eat a turtle on tv; it failed because the turtle shell was impenetrable. i wished i could be like a turtle, and thought maybe i should be a turtlebunny instead. things spun out from there. it was one of those awful sorrows of the sinful world weighing upon my soul, loneliness approaching hopelessness, challenging God to prove things about life and about Himself and to remind me why i should bother kind of times. then as i tried to sleep but couldn't, i thought of my new friends and all their sorrows, and how i wish i could help them bear their burdens, but i don't know how. i thought of the things i wish i could say to them and the things i hoped for them; about how after each terrible experience we have, we need to stop and think about what Good has been made manifest in us through or around that experience, and to defend that fiercely lest it be destroyed and we be, in our very essence, defeated. i thought about how i needed to apply that to my own life. then i thought about myself, and my search for hope and joy, and my pat little answer about "the key to defeating depression is to remove yourself from the center of your focus" and how i fail to apply that. i thought about the good things in life, joyful, happy times full of love and devoid of strife and pain, and how could life be good or beautiful when those times are so few and far between? and i drifted in and out of sleep, and each experience became a sparkling jewel, perhaps impure or tainted by this or that, but a jewel nonetheless, strung together over the daily routine of life to create a beautiful piece of art. (and i'm not really that into jewelry.) and i thought about how i wish i could express that thought artistically, but i knew i wouldn't be able to manage and i'd probably end up hacking it out awkwardly on this here blog. great. another failure.
i don't know how i managed to finally fall asleep.
and i woke up, and the horrible beeping and other constructiony sounds from the street in front of my home and the sunshine blasting in through my blinds (why don't blinds keep light out?) wouldn't let me sleep in, and i got up, and suddenly i felt like doing stuff. like having tea in a teahouse where i'd never been, and washing my car, and being in a clean, well-lit place, and eating a light, clean lunch, and reading my stupid book and learning from it, and maybe picking up some deeply handsomely coloured yarn, and listening to blues and feeling happy. the things i'd mulled over while tossing and turning in bed that sorrowful night turned out to be full of hope and truth in the light of day. and i realized that hey! the winter solstice has passed, and days are getting longer and brighter.
and then two big things. i learned about blues in a major key. and i found my flash drive.
so. the new year has truly and actually been a hopeful time for me for two years in a row now. it seems strange to me, for i'm not really one to think holidays all that special (blah blah blah, one should exemplify and celebrate love and joy and Christ and thankfulness all year round, you know the idealist that i am), but really, there's been something about each new year that has been warm and hopeful. perhaps it will be my new favorite holiday, new year's day.
what a crappily written post. but hey, it's me; it describes the way the inside of my head is right now, on the eve of the eve of my return to work. i have one more day of freedom.
and now what shall i do?
i had a white christmas. not that there was snow (because it rained all day) but that i spent it with white people. ahhahahahaha!... no, wait, i guess that isn't really that funny. but you see, for a non-white child of immigrant parents raised in a society where it's made to seem as though holidays should be celebrated in a certain way (and your family doesn't do that), it was kind of neato to do that, and to really be welcomed and included. so that was pretty cool. and i got to eat real homemade mashed potatoes, which i have only had one other time (thanks saara) in over a decade, maybe two. yeah, that's what i liked best about christmas 2006. mashed potatoes. with LOTS of butter. didn't even need gravy. oh, yeah. (typical cb.)
did i miss my family, who were all congregated without me? honestly, no, because i don't really feel all that removed from them. i felt just the right amount of close to them. we talked, and webcammed, and you know, it was okay. i would rather have been there, yeah, but it was okay. and i don't mean that in a cold and detached sort of way, but rather in a "my family is always with me, even if we're apart" sort of way. so.
it all felt very blah and routine though, with work still in there, comprising the framework upon which all my days were hung. no fun. no joy. just constant! annoyance! busyness! and sleep deprivation.
and now i'm off. for six days. o. my. gosh.
for the first three days? yeah. i sat on the couch drooling and staring off into space, in the general direction of my television. it was glorious, glorious, i tell you! i made a huge mess. i received and assembled my accent tables (they are gorgeous and i am thrilled). and i knitted. i bought yarn and needles for the cupcake hat and am nearly done with the cup part, and made and attached the sleeves for the "tempting" sweater (yeah, the pattern is called that) and am up to the yoke on that, and today i bought some very deeply handsome yarn to make yarnboy's halfdome hat. oh wait, this isn't my knitblog. but no one goes over there to check that, do they? (pics to be posted there soon.)
new year's eve was actually fun. you know what? i'd never been to a new year's eve party. this was my first one. and i'm turning thirty this year! i'm so developmentally delayed. but it was fun, and i didn't have to dance or kiss anyone, but i didn't get to dance or kiss anyone either.
i should have been reading and studying, for i have an oral exam in cardiac electrophysiology upcoming. aw, crap. what is this, med school? it's been yeeeeeears since i've been a student! oh, wait, except that i am a lifetime student. oh yeeeeeeah. so today i went to a teahouse and read that dumb book.
to be perfectly honest with you, i reached a nadir last evening. it was several hours after i watched a lion try to eat a turtle on tv; it failed because the turtle shell was impenetrable. i wished i could be like a turtle, and thought maybe i should be a turtlebunny instead. things spun out from there. it was one of those awful sorrows of the sinful world weighing upon my soul, loneliness approaching hopelessness, challenging God to prove things about life and about Himself and to remind me why i should bother kind of times. then as i tried to sleep but couldn't, i thought of my new friends and all their sorrows, and how i wish i could help them bear their burdens, but i don't know how. i thought of the things i wish i could say to them and the things i hoped for them; about how after each terrible experience we have, we need to stop and think about what Good has been made manifest in us through or around that experience, and to defend that fiercely lest it be destroyed and we be, in our very essence, defeated. i thought about how i needed to apply that to my own life. then i thought about myself, and my search for hope and joy, and my pat little answer about "the key to defeating depression is to remove yourself from the center of your focus" and how i fail to apply that. i thought about the good things in life, joyful, happy times full of love and devoid of strife and pain, and how could life be good or beautiful when those times are so few and far between? and i drifted in and out of sleep, and each experience became a sparkling jewel, perhaps impure or tainted by this or that, but a jewel nonetheless, strung together over the daily routine of life to create a beautiful piece of art. (and i'm not really that into jewelry.) and i thought about how i wish i could express that thought artistically, but i knew i wouldn't be able to manage and i'd probably end up hacking it out awkwardly on this here blog. great. another failure.
i don't know how i managed to finally fall asleep.
and i woke up, and the horrible beeping and other constructiony sounds from the street in front of my home and the sunshine blasting in through my blinds (why don't blinds keep light out?) wouldn't let me sleep in, and i got up, and suddenly i felt like doing stuff. like having tea in a teahouse where i'd never been, and washing my car, and being in a clean, well-lit place, and eating a light, clean lunch, and reading my stupid book and learning from it, and maybe picking up some deeply handsomely coloured yarn, and listening to blues and feeling happy. the things i'd mulled over while tossing and turning in bed that sorrowful night turned out to be full of hope and truth in the light of day. and i realized that hey! the winter solstice has passed, and days are getting longer and brighter.
and then two big things. i learned about blues in a major key. and i found my flash drive.
so. the new year has truly and actually been a hopeful time for me for two years in a row now. it seems strange to me, for i'm not really one to think holidays all that special (blah blah blah, one should exemplify and celebrate love and joy and Christ and thankfulness all year round, you know the idealist that i am), but really, there's been something about each new year that has been warm and hopeful. perhaps it will be my new favorite holiday, new year's day.
what a crappily written post. but hey, it's me; it describes the way the inside of my head is right now, on the eve of the eve of my return to work. i have one more day of freedom.
and now what shall i do?
posted by CamoBunny at 21:43
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