reasons why

finishing clinic, i stopped by my mailbox and found a card from one of our patient's families. the little guy was in the hospital for a long time, and made it home several months ago. as he was cared for by nearly all of the fellows at some point, i don't know why this family chose to contact me. they sent me a card of thanks and two photos of my patient.

the first one was a picture of us together. i have to say, it's kind of a sad picture. he looks rather feeble; he is gaunt, plethoric, and blue. i was post-call, sallow, with dark circles under my bespectacled eyes, hair in a crazy ponytail. he grimaces weakly as i hold him in my arms and muster a pathetic smile.

the second picture is one that i'm guessing the family will send out for their holiday greetings. he's gotten really big. he's decked out in a seasonal jumper, and is a rosy-cheeked, roly-poly infant giving the camera a big drooly open-mouthed toothless smile. he was caught mid-laugh. he looks hardy and happy. really happy.

i immediately posted the pictures above my desk.

i'm excited to have started my collection of photos of my patients, sent by their parents in celebration of how far they have come.

i can look at my collection and remember. i confess that i had forgotten.

these are my reasons why.

mysterious

i have been staying up waiting for the nausea to go away so that i can eat dinner.

it's not that i can't go to bed without eating,

it's that i want to eat. i like to eat. i want dinner.

but i haven't cooked anything, and it's too late to start up a meal,

so i guess i'll have some water and go to bed without supper.

in the meantime i have done a lot of laundry and have been looking for one of my cd's. you see, even though it is one of my favorites, it is always missing. it was missing for somewhere between one and two years when i lived in the other place, and i found it about twenty-four hours after i bought a second copy. i gave the second copy to camodidi, and then promptly lost my original. i found it in time to move here, and now it is again lost.

how mysterious.

i put the songs on my computer, and can listen to them that way, but still. it's mysterious.

nausea

there is so much out there all about pain

songs, poems, books, paintings, research projects and whatever else one could imagine

but i think people fail to give credit to nausea for how powerful it is.

it can seriously debilitate a person. in fact, the only other physical experience i dread more is a migraine. and that might even be because of the nausea involved.

so. here's giving nausea its props.

i'm hoping that in so doing, i can get it to leave me alone this evening.

bleah.

the answer

a cold wind blew in sunday night, and with it, the answer.

BLUES.

yes, still. something slow and heavy, with a lot of electric bass, with rhythm guitar sparingly on the off-beats.

i don't seem to have any in my collection!...

ignoring

i can't do it all.

i'm still going to try.

update

i think i did well on my exam. i think?

my piano is here (more on that later).

i am finally making those doctors' appointments i've needed to make. things are coming together.

i have been exercising daily for a couple of weeks now. (did you know that six-pack abs was once a pretend lifetime goal of mine? that and breaking glass with my voice. i was just kidding about these because i thought them impossible. now i wonder if they may be feasible after all.)

i am going to florida in a couple of weeks, and hawaii in february.

i am truly motivated to clean my place.

i have made a small step toward deciding about my career.

i have some time to finish my charting, and hope to be done with it and my i.r.b. in a couple of weeks.

another someone else's babydaddy hit on me. i think this makes three. no thanks. at least this one's child is not illegitimate. what a not-nice word. that and "invalid". not nice words. but is "illegitimate" any worse than "bastard"? speaking of that, the married guy bought me another present. i remain uncomfortably suspicious. are there any single men who don't have children out there?

music is again a part of my life. i am in an uncomfortable place where i cannot identify what style of music best fits as the soundtrack to this part of my life. unusual.

the weather is beautiful here, and i'm getting a little sun by the pool every once in a while. not to get tan, just to get sun. vitamin d and mood enhancement and all that.

i miss my friend saara.

i miss my parents, who are traveling abroad.

i need a hug, but am doing okay without one.

my burn is healing.

my life, as you can see, is boring.

sometimes boring is good.

something new

oh, did i forget to mention?

i am suddenly obsessed with becoming fit.

not skinny, which i already am. fit.

of course that means getting up at 0400 instead of 0500 to exercise

but, evidently, it's necessary.

doctor-recommended, after all.

weather

what is it about the rain today

that has made me so happy?

like, relieved happy.

i do not know.

also, happy birthday to my cousin LA, who does not live in LA, but, in fact, nowhere near it.

wound

i burned myself.

i now have a moderate-sized second-degree burn on my forearm.

now that the skin over the blistering has broken, it hurts again. it probably needs to be debrided (meaning i will need to scrub the painful wound until the remaining dead skin sloughs off).

i wish someone could help me take care of it.

but i'm fine. now i'm wondering how on earth i am to scrub in on monday with an open, weeping wound on my forearm.

stopping

ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

i'mbusyi'mbusyi'mbusyi'mbusy!

chartstodictateanddiagramstodrawandbuncheso
foralpresentationstoprepareandmyfriendwantst

ogotoafestivaltomorrowandMYPIANOARRIVES

INTHEMORNINGandi'monfreakingCALLonsun

dayandmypresentationsaremondayandtonsofmy

workisoverdueandiactuallyhavethisoralexamiha

vetostudyforandihaven'tevenstartedreadingforth

atyetandistillhavetoworkouteverymorningandea

trightandsoi'mgoingtobedsoearlyandgettingupso

oooooooearlyandthereusuallyisn'teventimetosto

psowhyamiblogging?!

ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

c'mon, get happy

yeah, so as you've guessed, i've found myself down.

but i had forgotten! one of the little truths that actually works (despite myself)

act happy, be happy.

i had my own clinic today, and i met some new patients and fmailies. i do have to assume a certain role in clinic, and that is one of "delighted to meet you, happy to serve you, and i am honored to help your child."

the thing is, when i act happy (i.e. happy pediatrician, get it?), the kids (and parents) get happy. then the kids do something funny or cute or otherwise endearing, and i get happy. and the same is true for the staff and other doctors, although they are admittedly not quite so cute or endearing.

and so today my mood has been buffered a little bit.

thank God.

it's official

my clothes don't fit anymore.

i have to begin taking care of myself. who has time for that?

stupid thirty.