a break

in 3 days (2 really, since one of those i'll be working straight through one the nights, melding 2 days into one), i will be going to visit my friend.

jealous? no? well, you should be. because she's the best.

rant

i'm sure you've noticed how people often use their blogs to rant about things and institutions that seem beyond their control. it's a popular blog subject. airlines, for example. work. taxes. you get the idea.

today mine is the phone company.

i have my (very thin) cell phone in between my cheek and shoulder. i have been on it for 57 minutes and spoken with five different agents and three automatons to get my land line problem taken care of.

that's all i'm going to say, except to add that i am discontinuing my service with them.

i wish i could say that gives me the last laugh, but i know it doesn't. they're going to try to charge me an early termination fee even though i've been with them for several years. i know because the last agent told me it was already showing up on my account and she doesn't know why.

GAH.

i report it to you.

and one more thing

i have totally changed my mind.

i SO TOTALLY want to be a professional musician.

(maybe i have all along, and just wouldn't admit it...)

totally!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(by the way, today's phrase of the day is django reinhardt. because it's fun to say. say it with me. django reinhardt. dhangoreinhardt. dj-dj-dj-djan-goh reinhardt!)

battery

it was not what we expected. billed as a jazz venue, the place was loud, dirty, and crowded, and there was no jazz. it was fun nonetheless, mostly because camodidi and i like music and people-watching.

so i stood next to the bar, and he nearer to the aisle/people dancing in the aisle. we were definitely out of place (everyone else in the place was of a different race) but we didn't care.

in the middle of a particularly funky and popular song i started to feel pain in my right arm. a millisecond later i realized that it was being pressed into the edge of the bar because i was being squished. the yelling and grunting close to my left ear alerted me to the fact that there was fighting in very close proximity. suddenly two big dudes appeared, taking position to form a solid wall between the violence and me. it was camodidi and wayne/dwayne. wayne/dwayne (it was loud, and i couldn't hear what his name was, camodidi heard 'dwayne' but i heard 'wayne') was the guy who'd been standing in front of me and hitting on me (right in front of my brother too, hello). (oh, and i've noticed lately that the only men who ever tell me that i'm attractive are men who've been drinking. evidently that's what it takes to make me look good. heehee, kidding, kidding.)

in any case, it was surprising to me how quickly they stepped in to protect me. actually i've never really been "protected" like that before. it was a new feeling, one that made me realize how small and vulnerable i am. i tend to forget that, being out there fighting the good fight alone most of the time.

i'm not sure what else to say about that.

a mild bruise, about 2"x2", is forming on my right arm. with the mass that was squishing me (the two big fighting dudes shoving into my brother, who was shoved into me) i estimate the force on that area was ~175 psi. that's wild.

but i don't even care about that. mostly i'm still ticked that there was no jazz. i mean, COME ON!

rebound

i guess this goes to show how seldom i have people over.

camodidi came to visit (woohoo!) this weekend.

i just dropped him off at the airport and got home.

i had cleaned the place a little,

and now without the mess and the company,

it's like there's a rebound loneliness phenomenon of sorts.

good thing i don't have any time to think about it. i've gotta go to bed and get ready for a busy week!

shout-out

hey, hey, cousin ray
just a little note to say
i got your card the other day
thanks for sending it my way

i'm touched.

who we are

we are a force not to be reckoned with.

we walk together, heads held high, in confident, purposeful stride, white coats billowing behind us. crowds of people sense our movement and part to let us through.

others call for our help daily, constantly. they could not do without us.

we eschew the warm fuzzy niceties of the pediatrician culture around us, for our matters are those of life and death.

we are intense. we are undeniable. we are the heart of the institution.

we are

cardiology.

(inspired by that one time when a group of us were leaving work and walking to the garage together. it's kinda silly, really, but it's true. that's how we are.)

work

not really.

some people enjoy reading workplace blogs. that is, they kinda like to read what people have to say about their jobs and the situations and people involved. maybe they're popular because people enjoy seeing a personal narrative behind the types professional interactions we all commonly go through. or maybe it's because ridiculous things happen at work, and some people really do work with idiots, and it's funny. i don't know.

i've often thought about writing more plainly about work, and have gotten good feedback on those posts where i have done so. as much material as i have, i simply can't bring myself to do it.

yet.

see, the waiter from waiter rant gets to blog all about everything and everybody at his workplace-- and is publishing a book about it. but if a doctor writes all about everything and everybody at her workplace, that's different. because there's supposed to be this physician-patient relationship. it's a weird relationship, let me tell you. well, i'll tell you some other time. for now i'll just tell you that there's supposed to be some level of confidentiality and respect to that relationship. and part of that is actually law, thanks to a certain CLueless past president. groan.

obviously the public has lost a great deal of respect for doctors. just take a look at all those dumba** medical shows on tv. ugh. i can't stand them. and still, if doctors were to be publicly flippant about their interactions with patients, i think the public would get all up in arms and feel violated or whatever.

all that to say, boy do i ever have stories to tell. i'm just not allowed to tell them. instead i cloak them in poems and other cryptic forms of expression.

hmm. that's not a very interesting point to have made after all.

well nevermind then.

by the way, we really were covered up to our knees in blood the other day.

perspective

let's say that i don't know you, which, if i don't, is true.

let me guess. you're like, 25 years old.

why does that seem so young?

oh yeah. because it is.

over it

today i was pointedly ignored.

and for once, i don't care.

it's growth.

war. i mean, work.

today's battles were noteworthy.

i started the day with mild trepidation, but we had no choice. with unshakable determination we marched onward.

about three hours into the fight the pain began. i became light-headed, nauseated. my back ached and my head pounded. i nearly pulled out-- i nearly passed out-- but no, we overcame our first foe.

sustenance! fresh water! provisions! i took all these in, as well as some medicine to help me ignore my pains-- and back to battle we went.

and this time i took the front line. push ahead! turn! advance! each step forward propelled us further, faster, better. step by tedious step we marched into unfamiliar territory, determined, past the point of no return.

so did we win? of course we did.

exhausted, sweaty, covered in blood up to our knees we may have been, but we were victorious.

folly

something that really gets me is when people say

"...but see, i'm a good person."

i mean come on. who(m) are you kidding? usually, yourself.

only the fool is so blind.

alternative jobs for me, me, me

don't know why i've been thinking about this today. (shut up, don't say it.)

florist.

marketing/advertising. as in, coming up with ad campagins.

event planner.

music critic. well, i'm already one of those, aren't i?

personal shopper.

secretary (people at work-- yes, the other doctors-- have been astounded by the noise i make when i type. they think i type fast, but everyone sounds like they type fast when you hear them.) plus i like to organize other people's stuff.

biochemical designer. and by that i mean making things that taste and/or smell like other things. think jelly belly, or bath and body works.

knitter.

crazy cat-lady.

crayon color namer.

blogger.

i wouldn't be a musician for a living. i couldn't. i love it too much.

weather, and the men in my life

when you work a lot, and you work in a hospital, you don't pay too much attention to the weather.

i got home early today-- i left work at 5!-- and thought i'd left my kind of blue cd in the car. so i went to get my keys (my keys! where the heck are my keys?! after a prolonged search and near-panicking i find them in my bag where i put them) and went down to the car. the car, in the garage. the garage, which is covered, but the air is from the outside world. the outside world, which was cool, and wet, and somewhat green, despite the fact that i live in the city.

well, miles (i'd been missing him and thinking about him all day to the tune of so what) wasn't in my car, but steve was. whatever.

so i gave steve a squeeze (he's soft, despite the fact that he holds cd's in his round penguin belly) and put him on my cd tower. and since miles had no place in my computerized collection, i turned to wynton instead. while wynton played, i went to my backpack and got miles out to rip him.

then wynton did something cool, and i remembered how cool and lovely the air was outside, and now i've got the windows open for the very first time since i moved into this place.

how's the weather where you are?

envy

as i see it,
the eyes of jealousy are not green.
they are grey.
grey, like the blank sorrow that washes over me when i feel envy.

unusual

he must have mistaken me for someone else, because he said "hi" to me today. and asked how i was doing.

so one of our surgeons, the acclaimed-as-hot but growly and superior and mean one, has this horrible disease. he keeps on working anyway. he got treated, and recovered, and now it might be coming back.

i didn't really think much of it or of him before, except to tell myself not to be a wuss when i'm feeling the slightest bit of discomfort while working, because i have no such horrible disease.

so, like i said, he said hello today. i don't know why; he has always ignored me before. and this time we made eye contact.

and looking into his brooding eyes, sunken ever-so-slightly into his puffy face, whose usually handsomely-chiselled features were becoming diffuse and swollen, i felt sadness for him.

who'd-a thunk it. today i felt sorry for a surgeon.

i'm not so heartless after all.

and, evidently, neither is he.

lil' ol' me

annoyed with my current hair situation, i decided to look back on a photo of myself from back when i had long hair. i surfed over— make that egosurfed over— to a certain website where i know i can always find my image. at least, until i fall off the site, replaced by newer, faster models. (hey, i made a pun on accident.)

i was surprised to find myself in a section of portraits of families and couples. families, and couples, and me.

i suppose it is appropriately representative and makes perfect sense that i'm alone in my photo,

but why am i the only one?

glimmer of hope

somewhere underneath all the anxiety and fears of inadequacy, i still am excited about my career field. i catch little glimpses of the good in it every once in a while.

yay.

for granted

hi all.

camodidi is losing his vision in a process that is potentially reversible. please pray for a speedy recovery for him.

oh

and one more thing.

I'M NOT ON CALL FOR ANOTHER WEEK!

[does skinny little booty dance]

in other news

in case you were wondering, the predominant motif in today's mental musical montage has been big fat funky booty by the spin doctors.

this is inspired by the weight gain i've been undergoing of late, and the difference in, um, contour that's come along with it. though my booty is not big, not fat, and definitely not funky, it is bigger, fatter, and maybe even a little funkier than before.

i know. too much information.

but i find this fact somewhat droll, and i find the song quite amusing indeed.

addendum

and the bad thing about that [previous post]

is that i'm the only one i know around here.

people change

i'm pretty sure i've changed over the past couple of years.

you know what? i don't think i know myself quite so well anymore.

work

i have been in to the hospital every single day as far back in this rotation as i can remember. that's the beginning of the month of august i think.

i am a mindless drone.

no, wait, i take that back. i WISH i were a mindless drone. then i wouldn't mind the daily humilitations (read "i feel as though i am drowning in my own inadequacy, and because of that, i am useless, and the daily exposure of this fact is humiliating") and the lack of life outside the hospital. and still i have responsibility, and enough knowledge to earn me the onus of teaching my juniors. and i have the beeper that NEVER STOPS BEEPING!

i no longer have the uncanny abilities i used to have. those would be the abilities to stay up for days without sleeping and without getting sleepy, to go without food for days, all those abilities i had WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. now i get hypoglycemic and i get a headache and then i barf. oh and when i was younger i also had the ability to learn new things quickly and to always be right. NOT ANYMORE. don't tell me i'm too old for this. that's pathetic. i'm pathetic.

no wonder so many fellows in my subspecialty turn out mean. so mean. i'm so mean. mean, mean, meanie mean mean. only daily doses of candy help keep me sweet. sweet to a point. i bring it for the residents. i also bring it for myself, to make me feel better. sweet. sweet because i bring it, not because i eat it.

i make it a point to mix some sourpatch kids in the variety of candy i bring.

paperwork is stupid.

i need a weekend.

it's time to cook noodles.

i'm glad i cleaned my kitchen this morning.

i need to pay my bills.

i am on call on labor day— a cruel, cruel thing.

i am not going to be a good blogger for a while.

oops

today i let my anger show in front of the big boss man.

i wasn't even capable of backpedaling or hiding it. i was just plain ol' annoyed.

oh well.