smart

the people at work think i'm smart.

"very smart", "bright", these are words they use to describe me when they are evaluating, critiquing, or describing me.

i wonder...

now don't get me wrong. i'm glad i have brains that work well.

but come on. we're all doctors here. who's not smart around here?

am i really that smart,

or could they not come up with anything else?

p.s. "smart" is a really funny word if you use it enough times in a row. smart. smart. smartsmartsmart. smart

big picture

so yes, i just posted a stupid post about being excited about going on vacation.

then i surfed over to someone else's blog and found out that he has just discovered faith in Christ.

really puts things into perspective, doesn't it?

i am excited for him!

excitement

not a lot gets me excited these days.

but.

i'm going away on vacation in less than a week!

yayyyyyyyyyyyyy...

differences

one thing i could not do is pediatric cancer.

i do pediatric heart disease instead.

in both fields there are many patients who die.

pediatric cancer patients start with years of a normal childhood and have it robbed from them. then the oncologists do their best to get it back.

pediatric heart patients start without a natural chance to survive. then the heart surgeons and cardiologists give them that chance.

it's just different.

today

today i slept in by an hour and a half on purpose. i got up at 0530.

today i was nice to everyone who called for my help. even if i did not feel like helping.

today i accidentally stepped in on a family as their young girl was dying. of cancer. i have great affection for this girl. i accidentally caught a glimpse of her as she, pale, thin, skin covered in strange lesions, gasped for breath. i am haunted.

i'm tired.

on service

my legs hurt.

my brain hurts.

my ego hurts.

yes, that's right people. i'm back on service. lots more work, very little time to think. sorry about that.

i am also sorry that i missed my friend's birthday. i woke up at 0400 and just now got home, and didn't get a chance to call her to say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH!

new

today

i set some goals

and accomplished them.

i have a strange feeling inside me now.

i think it might be satisfaction.

lessons learned today

1. time management: i was certain that if i sat down and added up all the time i needed to do absolutely everything i am supposed to do every day (keeping disciplined, healthy, and clean), it would add up to greater than 24 hours, thus proving that there just isn't the time. i was wrong. even if i sleep for seven hours a night, i have two or three hours left over. oh, the lies we tell ourselves. it turns out that i do have time.

2. attitudes and behaviour: i sit in the seat of scoffers. oops. get up, get up, get out!

the edge

the edge is a tough place to be.

almost losing it, not quite together. generally dissatisfied without being able to name a problem. part immaculate, part squalor. it's itchy. it's the way burned-out addicts are generally depicted— twitchy, kinetic, uncertain, searching, not seeing what's in front of their faces. it's a pretty girl, disheveled, beyond caring, oblivious. it's picking at a scab— senseless, painful, fascinating.

how does one deal with it? she keeps looking for something to grab on to, or a hook or crook to drag her away from the edge and back into the center, or into the fold, or at least somewhere from which she can't see the crags and pointy rocks down there all threatening-like. it doesn't appear, and she wanders around on the edge, pulling at her hair and gnashing her teeth.

she needs a mouthguard. they're expensive, though, and insurance doesn't cover them.

so instead she puts on music, and sit cross-legged in a chair, rocking and humming.

and tomorrow she'll get up and go to work.

pink. stereotypes.

i did have my blog in pink for a few days. it was pretty, and i enjoyed how the pink hit my eyes.

today at work i walked into conference to see that girl. you know the one. That Girl. she had long straight black hair and wore no makeup. she was meek and quiet. she had a pink backpack and pink sneakers. she was writing in a notebook everything uttered in the room. she wore a sweater that was two colors of pink, and a name badge from the medical center. she was older than she looked, and identified herself to no one. she had a pink jacket sitting next to her pink backpack.

disgusted, i came home and took the pink off of my blog.

accomplishment

so you know how the other day i mentioned that i'd found an old friend?

now she knows. and we're connected again.

yay!

so. despite the headache, i did manage to make one major accomplishment today.

i tried

i took another 400 mg of ibuprofen.

i dried my hair and slapped on a headband.

i put on a hoodie sweatshirt and a pair of scrub pants. yes, i'm thirty for goodness' sake. so what.

no makeup. no curling iron. not even decent clothing. who cares. i'm on research.

i put a piece of gum in my mouth, clogs on my feet, and a jacket on my back and went out the door.

in the elevator on my way down, it was cold. butt cold. how unpleasant. my jacket wasn't long enough or heavy enough. oh, well. i wouldn't be spending that long outside.

then i noticed that i had failed to pack either ibuprofen or sumatriptan. i had no headache medicine. oh, well. if my migraine recurs, i should come back home anyway.

the elevator doors opened, and i unlocked my car with the remote. then i realized i had left my pager and i.d. badge (without which i cannot access my office) in my home.

"oh, screw it." i locked my car, got back in the elevator, and went back home.

i tried to go to work today. i did.

it just didn't take.

migraine

today was supposed to be our first day back at work,

but i awoke this morning at 0430 (half an hour before my alarm) with an ice pick in my right frontal lobe.

this has destroyed my morning. i had so many plans for today, too!

deeply shallow

reflexively my eyes widened and my jaw dropped.

i've been a fan of fleming and john since college. fleming mcwilliams has a voice that stands up to that of any of the top women vocalists you can name, and her technique is impeccable. there are plenty of f&j songs i'd love to cover, but simply don't have her range.

i haven't been following what the band's been doing lately, but after adding them to one of my pandora stations ("modern folksy girls"-- you've gotta listen! it's shaping up to be really great. sara bareilles is also featured on the station and she is phenomenal) i've had the opportunity to catch up.

today one particularly suprising song came up. the instrumental intro had an immediately recognizable, signature sound. mcwilliams' vocals came in strong, as usual. then the lyrics grabbed and shook me. or, i should say, shocked me:

when i saw you at the grocery store
you were sharing a shopping cart with her
and i couldn't turn and run away
i didn't know what to say
you introduced us for the first time
and i had to look her in the eye
but you could not imagine my surprise

can't you see
you're leaving me
for an ugly girl

does she talk about politics
and all the stuff that used to make me sick
does she smoke cigars and stay up late
oh she's so great
does she tell you what you want to hear
and i bet that she can grow a beard
i'd feel better thinking you were queer

it's not fair
i can't compare
to an ugly girl

ha ha ha the joke's on me
i feel jealous and i feel mean
is she so nice that it makes up for her face
there's no way
do you have to keep your eyes closed
do you have to keep the lights down low
oh i bet you wish you had a blindfold

can't you see
you're leaving me
for an ugly girl

so awful! so funny! but so horrible! i'd cover it, but can't for fear that i'd seem snobby and mean, or that people wouldn't get the joke that i AM the ugly girl, or that i simply CAN'T sing it BECAUSE i am the ugly girl! how ugly the girl who would sing about how ugly a girl is!

oh, wow. so many levels of ugliness.

at a loss

he thinks he is open-minded, progressive, forward-thinking, and wise.

he makes incredibly idiotic, prejudiced, unfounded, judgmental statements that reek of a lack of understanding

all the time.

consistently. it seems to be his m.o.

and he teaches younger people to try to think the way he does.

i want desperately to say something

but absolutely cannot. so what should i do?

it's sad. and bad. and it makes me mad.

now, i too am a fool, and still make similar mistakes, but

it is the greatest fool who considers himself wise

and leads others into his folly.

help me out, people.

what's a good gift for when co-workers who aren't quite your friends have babies? i'm at a loss.

bored

she was bored.

the few people she could talk to had nothing to say. this resulted in hours worth of phone calls in which she felt obligated to continue providing topics of conversation, especially when the other person fell silent. each time it took her quite a while to realise that she was effectively doing that thing she calls "chattering mindlessly", like so many insipid women do, and the other person was simply obliging her. she felt vaguely embarrassed, and then remembered that the other party always has the option of terminating the conversation. she accepted this, terminated the conversation, and wiped the makeup off of her cell phone, each time wondering if either she or the other person had benefited from the call. she doubted it. and she felt worse off.

disappointed by the phone (she never was a phone person, anyway), she turned to the computer. other than the usual spams, her e-mail held nothing. while checking her five different accounts, a couple of times her phone alarmed that she had received text messages wishing her a happy holiday. interesting that it didn't deserve an e-mail anymore-- just a text message. actually, it was not interesting. it was boring.

she absentmindedly chewed a lock of hair (a disgusting habit, if you asked me, which you did not. why do people chew on things?) as she turned to blogs. she had joined the blogwagon back when it was popular, and she holds those who have fallen off in disdain. she made note that anyone who had started dating was capable of blogging only about dating, and that was boring in the worst way, or they had stopped blogging because they had found in dating something else to do. she looked at the card her boring boyfriend had sent (the same christmas card he sent everyone, she noted) and shrugged.

and that was it. she was so bored by others she was forced to turn inward and start working on improving her own life. she tried to think of some unique new year's resolutions.

she got bored with that. she called me.

i was cleaning my fridge and kitchen at the time. "why?" she asked. i answered, "because it was dirty. and i'd otherwise be bored, because i'm not allowing myself to do anything 'til my place is clean." she painted her toenails and leafed through shopping catalogs while we talked about holiday brunches, pop music, lotion, the doggie-in-the-handbag phenomenon (we share disapproval), the color pink, words that are overused or used incorrectly, how beautiful we each think the other is, and men. so we talked about nothing, really.

you can talk with me about nothing any time, dear. i just hope mine was a conversation after which you feel better off.

she did say it was okay that i blog about her. it would give her something to read.

today's accomplishments

i cleaned out the fridge. completely.

i made a salad and ate it.

i cleaned the remainder of the kitchen.

i found a long-lost friend. she doesn't know i have found her.

i learned how to play sudoku.

i posted on my knitblog.

that's a lot for me.