new year's eve

nope. never been one of my favorite holidays. frankly, i don't get it.

now new year's day. that's a good holiday. it's usually nice and quiet, as businesses are closed. i like having people over for a new year's brunch. chocolate pancakes, mimosas with fresh-squeezed orange juice, delicate white flowers, late morning jazz. this is the day to spend with friends, talking about nothing or everything. talking about cartoons and sports and food. talking about resolutions, the year past, and plans for the new year and years to come. looking at life and knowing that there has been blessing, there is hope, and there will be joy. now this makes sense to me.

but on new year's day, most of the people i know now are sleeping or hung over.

i need to find a church this year. a daunting and exciting prospect.

excerpts from a new year's letter

edited freely. because i can.

dear [friend],

sometimes when my time becomes my own, my mind wanders off to places it hasn't been in a long while. once it arrives, it feels very lost. it makes me feel the way i would imagine a patient with amnesia would feel— like i'm about to remember something, like i should know where i am, but i just can't and don't. i recognize things, but i don't belong anymore. that's how i feel about the world you live in. i imagine that you spend your time in pursuit of understanding and experiencing beauty, truth, and life. am i right?

i have become a person with much less depth than i used to possess. i am not okay with that. it's a line from a song: "what i wouldn't give to be younger and wiser...." i spend more of my time being busy with tasks at hand, and i spend most of my emotional energy being righteously indignant about work-related topics or about ways that i have been mildly wronged.

so. now it's new year's eve eve. i have allowed christmas to pass with little contemplation about "the reason for the season" and little sentiment toward anyone. this has become the usual for my christmas holidays. new year's day, however, has for two years in a row held pleasant little surprises for me. good things happen to me on new year's day. things that inspire hope. not the kind of hope that swells and soars high in the clouds like a brightly coloured childhood kite, but rather the sort that glows as a little coal whose heat is key in "bringing forth life and giving growth, seed for sowing and bread for eating...." if it happens again this year, i shall officially declare new year's day my favorite holiday, ahead of good friday.

and that, dear friend, is how my holiday season is going.

[update on the family omitted]

... as for me, there's not much to say except that i am still working. isn’t that what i always have to report? so nothing new there, except that my passion for medicine is waning, and my certainty about God's intentionally placing me here in this job in particular has all but dissipated. i am blandly happy with my life in that i am comfortable and well-fed, and i have my health and relative youth, and i am still thin, well-dressed, and not physically repulsive. that's all. nothing special. nothing bad.

[personal section about friend omitted]

... in any case, i hope you have a happy new year, full of light and laughter and noise and colors and banging on pots and pans and people who maybe actually remember the words to auld lang syne.

and i hope the same for you too, dear reader. happy new year.

p.s. i miss your "metronome" series of blog posts.

tough love

WHAT?!

come here.

closer.

little more.

THWACK!

there.

believe me, you deserve it.

now your turn.

resolved

1. talk less, listen more.
2. find a home church.
3. have my place thoroughly cleaned by camodidi's next visit.

you?

accompagnato (tenor)

comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God. speak ye comfortably to jerusalem, and cry unto her, that her warfare is accomplished, that her iniquity is pardoned. the voice of him that crieth in the wilderness:

prepare ye the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.

illin'

and i'm soooooooo hungry.

i don't know whether i have gastroenteritis or simple food poisoning, but the etiology of my symptoms is irrelevant. the bottom line is that i can't eat. i can barely drink without having crampy pain. in the past 36 hours i have eaten nine crackers, and that's it.

i'm getting better, for sure. what's more difficult than the abdominal pain is the prospect that i won't be able to eat what i want for another day or so. while trying to sleep off the illness, i have dreams about sushi, pasta, shellfish, wine, soups, burgers, pie. even chicken broth and rice.

such torture.

on the bright side, my belly is nice and flat.

delusions of grandeur

or perhaps not.

i have an idea. it's a big idea that feels far-fetched. it's for the kids.

here's the thing. i've generally been a girl who can make things happen. most of these things are small, but a few of them have been medium to big and some have even been successful.

now that i'm older and (even though it may not feel like it and my paycheck may not reflect it) higher up in the world, i am in contact with bigger people who can help make bigger things happen.

so. let's see how this big idea turns out.

one thing i have discovered about myself as this process starts is that along with the bigness of the idea goes the bigness of my ego. that was another awesome sentence. inside i am wanting credit for my idea and expect a certain type of personal gain. i've caught some pretty grandiose fantasies by the tail as they run through my head. so you know what? remember that old "attitude o' gratitude" thing i had going on? that thing kept my ego in check. i may have to pick it back up again.

anyway, i'm excited about this big thing. it should be fun. it's way more fun than my actual job.

hi.

welcome back.

good to see you again, even if you're keeping quiet in the back corner there.

i have to say, i'm surprised to see you. i thought it was over between us, all because of a misunderstanding.

but i'm glad you're here.

and you know, i'm still the same old me. i kind of want to hide some of that old stuff, because it's so hard to explain, but what the heck. may as well leave it all hanging out. it's just a blog.

so,

hi.

city life

i like to walk at night.

i especially like to walk around at night in the summer. it's hot here right now (why? i don't know) so that's why i say that. i like night because it's cooler, and you feel the moisture coming down onto the grass. i like the smells of the night too, even when they are bad smells. i like feeling cars pass by. i like the quiet, and the noises, and seeing little animals every once in a while, doing whatever it is animals do in the evening. i like that all the harsh details in daylight are gone; i hear my thoughts better. it's like when you are driving during the day, and you get close to the destination you've been seeking so you turn down the radio to see better. opposite, but the same.

i sort of live in the 'hood, though, so walking about isn't really the safest thing for a fragile little bunny to do, no matter how sharp her teeth and claws. so the next best thing is driving.

i like driving. at night. going fast is fun. i like driving for long stretches in places i don't know very well. i can listen to music and see lots of different things and places as i pass by. as long as i vaguely know the general direction home i'm okay. i also like the interface with my ride, my ride so fly. it drives well, what can i say?

but i live in a city. city driving is N.F. which stands for no fun. traffic is no fun. city highways are no fun. and the rest. you know?

so what does that leave me?

i don't know.

insight

recently i have been happier than i have been in a long time.

[back of hand to forehead]
why? oh why, oh whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

[shaking head]
how can this be?

[face in hands, sobbing]
what could possibly be bringing joy to my blessed life?

[throwing hands up]
what's the use in being happy?

[shaking fist at sky]
what does it all mean?

we are such ridiculous creatures.

papá

yes, we were all home for the thanksgiving holiday.

one of the things i remember most fondly actually makes me gag.

you see, for as long as we can remember our father has gagged while brushing his teeth. we always thought of it as a funny quirk of his, inexplicable as all the others. maybe he was brushing every surface in his oral cavity so vigorously that, in efforts to get clean, he set off his gag reflex; we didn't know.

one night, for some reason, camodidi and i decided we were going to get ready for bed in our parents' bathroom. our father gagged as he brushed his teeth. we giggled.

someone, maybe our mother, finally asked. "why do you make yourself gag like that?"

"i don't know," he replied. he paused, then (was that a half-smile we detected?) he added,

"feels good."

i cannot begin to explain to you the humor we found in this, a revelation of one of the many mysteries of the complex man that is our father. that he would bother to explain it to us was surprising in itself, and that the answer was so stupefyingly and fundamentally simple was just hilarious to us.

we laughed. hard.

so.

tonight, while i was brushing my teeth, i gagged. and then i laughed.

and now i have to clean up the toothpaste from everywhere.

green eyes

nope. my eyes are brown.

chances are, i am happy for you.

chances are, you have something i want and cannot have.

but chances are also good that i have something you want and cannot have.

so. it being the holiday season and all, what do you get for people who have everything except the things they can't have? and why can't we just share?

i love you guys. sorry if the season passes by before i let you know in other ways.

--cb.

p.s. kirk, i haven't forgotten to reply yet...