i have to say

it may not be much,


but i like my little point-and-shoot camera.

overheard at my party

"oh, honey, this is the sort of place that we could have! i'd just love it... if it weren't for our kids."

i know. it's shallow.

heh heh.

oh, but did i mention?

(i think i did.)

remember last time i rotated onto an ICU service?

yeah. okay. i'm doing that again.

i'll miss you, my darlings. do your best not to miss me, and think of me while i'm gone.

links

if my link to you disappeared, i'm sorry.

my link list went all wonky when my template disapparated.

please don't hold it against me.

adulthood

it's official. and this is what usually happens a few months before what i consider to be significant birthdays— i start feeling it.

yesterday i made the most adult purchase i have ever made in my life. think nothing of car, home, furniture...

i bought a fire extinguisher.

sympathy

i had just told her that i think i've lost something irreplacable, is it at your place?

no. not here. nope.

things got pretty quiet on my end of the phone. i was bummed that i lost my irreplacable thing. i kept waiting for her to say something along the lines of i'm sorry, what a bummer, or the like.

no. not here. nope.

mental note. practice sympathy.

before

or, what i've been doing this week.

remember my previous situation?


stay tuned for the after photos.

[grin]

you know what?

i kind of like lady sovereign.

i don't know why. according to my sensibilities, i wouldn't, or shouldn't.

but i kinda do.

everybody get random...

[blushes]

something different

you may have noticed something different about me, or at least about my blog. or maybe not.

can you tell? it's a difference in the dimension of my posts, in that they've lost their depth and patina.

it's that my dreams are dead.

so.

does wearing my widowed heart on my sleeve

makes my butt look big?

[looks at ground, then behind self at booty]

[giggles]

sigh.

today

i still feel that medium-light purple with a hint of grey.

i gotta boogie today. lots to do. preparing for a party that no one might show up to. i hate ending sentences with the word 'to'. that no one might attend.

purchase and install curtain rods and curtains. purchase food, beverages, party supplies for party. pick up drill from co-worker's desk at work. purchase runner to cover up marred dresser surface. take care of bills. take care of housekeeping that i won't get to while on ICU.

well that doesn't seem all that bad. i'm just stressing about the curtains i suppose. it's a very daunting task.

gah!

what the... ?

cleaning today. i picked up an old (1970's? 80's?) stethoscope from my dresser (newly purchased in june).


this is what i found beneath.


i guess some weird chemical reaction happened between the nasty old plastic from the stethoscope and the finish on my dresser.


i'm upset, but what can i do?


buy a runner, i guess, huh?

anyone else have any suggestions on how i can treat these lesions?

sleep

this morning i awoke (after four hours of sleep) thinking,

if i have a daughter, her name should end in an -ah sound, so she will not be subject to the linguistic diminution bestowed by the -ee sound.

what's up with that?

i also had a really disturbing dream. by really disturbing i mean disturbing for me... me being one who works with blood and death all the time. it had a child who coded, and idiot medical students, and partially dissected/dismembered people moving about to show that they were not dead and i should continue chest compressions (actually it was one person in various states and sizes), and apathetic attendings, and my hand feeling crunching bones and body parts (probably derived from the poem i'm writing). there was no blood.

cree-py.

camo

erm,

so, you know i had to make each of those camos one by one, and my software to make it expired.

so i don't have camos for every color i'm feeling.

just thought i should 'splain.

songs

most prominent in this morning's mental musical montage are

summer samba (aka so nice, aka the doo doo doo, DOO doo doo song they classically play in dentist's offices and/or hold music), by gimbel, valle, and valle

solitude, by duke ellington

i guess there's a theme to my mindset.

product

i've found what i need for my next birthday.

sigh.

haircut

yikes!

people. i've been volumized, people!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
hee hee hee.

welcome back

oh, yeah.

everyone, don't forget to celebrate with me the long-awaited return of the most delightful camouflage.

hmm.

that statement seems to be missing an exclamation point somewhere.

okay.

!!!!!!

luxury

[stretches]

[sighs]

[wiggles toes]

mmmmmmmm.

waking up without an alarm is just... delicious!

time

so here i am on vacation.

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

but i didn't make any arrangements to go anywhere. and that's okay. i've decided to use this time to catch up on housework and get ready for the aforementioned party.

oh yeah, and go to the spa.

so i started out the break post-call. great. actually that call was incredible. amazing. gorgeous. i admitted, like, two kids, one from the o.r., one from some other hospital, where she'd been for like 170 days, and when i got her she was pretty much TOTALLY FINE! not really, but there was nothing i needed to do for her. just the admission paperwork. that's all i did. i didn't sleep because of the paperwork, but whatever. my pager was so quiet i was worried it was broken.

and how anti-climactic was that? i sauntered out of the hospital in the morning and rolled into bed. i woke up that evening and, lo and behold, i was on vacation.

so i ate dinner and went back to sleep. but only after making appointments at the spa. multiple appointments, one for a haircut at one place, and one for a massage at another. did i mention how excited i am about this? well, i am.

sunday i did nothing. NOTHING. i tried to sleep as much as possible, and actually got bored. BORED! i did not expect to fulfill my needs for sleep, snacking, tv, and doing nothing so very quickly. that's good though. it means maybe i'll get stuff done. and then have time for the spa.

so. here i am on vacation. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

no, i didn't go to london. or hawaii or san diego. maybe on my next vacation, which will be in march or april. seriously! actually, san diego is the top contender of those three.

but for now,

did i mention i'm going to the spa?

social phobia

and then it hit me.

what if no one comes to the party?

the last time i had a party it was my 26th birthday. i think. yup.

there was a decent showing, and some people appeared to have fun. a large group of my friends from work came. they left early because there was something better to do, or opportunities to hook up, or something. i made a mental note. especially regarding dr. r. i never did like the cut of her jib.

and, indeed, she turned out to be pretty rotten.

maybe this party will be equally telling.

i hope not.

you all are still invited, by the way.

concerning

four important people in my life are exhibiting signs consistent with a psychologically dangerous preoccupation.

i really want to say something, but i can't. these people are all grown-ups, after all, and they are responsible for their own choices. besides, considering who i am, i wouldn't understand.

i really don't understand it. i hate to see these wonderful people so down on themselves (or up on themselves, depending on how they perceive things to be going) because of this one stupid, insignificant (to me) thing.

four people. is it that i attract this sort of person, or is it that common an affliction in our country?

i don't know what to do.