how to be friends?

aren’t friendships worth fighting for?

with some recent thought and soul searching, i have found myself saying in some cases, “you know, there is just no reason for me to hang on to that friendship.”

i wish friendships could last forever but alas, they do not. it’s not a horrible thing to say, is it? i mean, friendship itself is a diverse entity. i honestly believe that some friendships have a life expectancy and/or an expiration date. when they expire, one moves on. one may argue that those sorts of friendships are not true friendships. i propose that they are simply a subcategory of friendships.

somehow i have become friends with all sorts of unlikely individuals, “strange bedfellows,” if you will. people i have nothing in common with. people i don’t even like. people who use me. we’re friends, and i am there for them. and some are there for me, and others are not.

from whence do such friends come? there are friends by association. there are friends by obligation. there are the ever-sketchy work friends. there are friends with whom you are friends only because you share the same occupation and/or religion. then you’ve got your one-hit-wonder friends, people with whom you really hit it off well and then never speak with again. there are “good to see you we should really go out and get a drink some time” (but you never do) friends. (is that just something that people say, or do they mean it?)

there are married friends and single friends, and it’s hard to be friends with one if you’re the other. there are friends whom you would call to pick you up from the airport, and friends you would not. there are friends whom you may list as your emergency contact, if you’re single like me. (my own emergency contact slot has been unfilled since one of my good friendships expired last july. i have someone new in mind, but have not yet gotten up the courage to ask, and i’m moving in 6 months anyway.)

there are friends who remember your birthday, and those who don’t. there are friends who completely forget that you exist unless you are persistent in continually initiating friendship gestures, and friends who pursue you even when you’re crabby and withdrawing into your shell. there are friends with whom you exchange christmas cards and that’s it, and there are friends for whom you love shopping and buying gifts for no particular occasion (“i saw this at the store and thought of you.” i love doing that). there are friends who once were kind when you needed some kindness, and they will be your friends forever even if you find later that they are unpopular or obnoxious. there are friends who are friends with you only while they’re looking for an opportunity to get into your pants. there are friends who completely ditch you once they start dating someone. then there are friends whose new, insane spouses find you threatening and banish you from your former friends’ lives. is it really worth staying friends in secret? no, it is not a good idea at all. and evidently there are blogfriends, who have never met you and have no idea who you are but, despite that, read your very personal ideas on your blog daily, and sigh with you when you are feeling down, and leave encouraging comments.

there are friends who have never experienced excellent friendship, and i find that they don’t really know how to be friends very well even if they are nice enough people. what do you do with that?

how do you tell someone new that you meet that you don’t really want to be friends? how do you tell someone old that you don’t want to be friends anymore? how do you tell someone that you never really were truly friends to begin with, and you don’t really care to begin?

remember when we were young and we had really great friends? we’d see them all the time and talk to them daily. we’d recognize each other’s voices and never had to identify ourselves over the phone. we did not tire of each other’s company. we could finish each other’s sentences if we wanted to. we’d know exactly what they wanted and needed and were there for each other.

i have a fear that grownup friends my age aren’t like that. do we not do that? i’ve come to assume that to be the case. but i don’t really know i guess. it has made me hesitant to call someone just to say “hey,” or to call someone too frequently, or to ask to hang out too many times in a given month.

i worry about what my recent willingness to abandon sunken friendships means.

i hope i’m a good friend.