but actually

but actually, i am just very, very fortunate.

actually i am different, in good ways more than bad. does that mean "special"?

actually i'm a good doctor.

actually my life is full of blessing and purpose.

actually i am not busted— i'm nice-looking enough to get around. children don't run from me screaming, after all. not even when i bear needles. and i have all my teeth.

actually my depression is in remission, and i'm normal and happy.

actually i have good friends who love me and are good to me, and i will miss them when i move.

actually i am nerdy, unabashedly so. and just a little bit cool at the same time, but i won't admit that out loud to anyone so don't tell anyone i said that.

actually i have a great job here, and a great job lined up for me next year, and a great career full of helping people and kindness and healing and babies.

so actually i will just keep doing my thing and not worry about it.

actually.