brat

i guess it started out as irritation, when gary asked for the entire congregation to get in circles and pray "for the marriages of our church." i didn't understand the point of that, exactly-- or i didn't want to. i did say a quick one, "Lord, help the married people not be idiots," and went to the bathroom.

my irritation grew as the horde of children that surrounded me pushed my chair, whispered and talked out loud, touched me accidentally, crinkled paper, went horizontal in their seats to try to take naps, and cried. why was i surrounded by children? why weren't their parents disciplining them? why were the parents joining in on making noises with them and talking loudly with them? WHY ON EARTH would they possibly think it a good idea to give them a jingle bell and a tambourine?

it didn't stop there. i was bothered that cold air was blowing on me from the air conditioner on a winter day, and i had to wear my coat and scarf inside. i was bothered that none of my friends said hello. i was irritated because everybody up front kept going on and on in their flowery ways as they spoke and i really wanted to know the interpretation of the parable but no one would get to the point, just MAKE YOUR POINT! and then there was the music. i was mad because there were more singers than usual, all of them the old crew, none of whom would help me last week. which made me remember to be mad about having to play piano next week. i was mad because the instruments were playing too fast. i was mad at myself for being mad at church.

i could not rectify the siutation by telling people to be quiet, or asking for the a/c to be stopped, or approaching my friends first, because i knew that once again, i was being unreasonable, and i do not like to inflict myself upon people when i am unreasonable. the whole time i was able to see exactly why i was angry. i was angry because i am selfish. i wasn't getting everything around me to be exactly the way i wanted it, and that made me mad. i, i, i, me, me.

see, here's the thing. it was indeed wrong of me to be mad. i know that. i know where it came from, what it means, and what to do about it. but that doesn't make it go away. it happened, it was, and it was valid, and one can't just pretend that such an emotion or experience never existed.

so i am a brat today. why, i do not know. i think i shall spend the day being alone. i will burn a candle and snuggle up under the covers and think about how fortunate and blessed i am, and about how i am not all that and a bag of chips nor am i the center of the universe. i will think about how great it is to put others before myself. and i'll clean my house some. and maybe tomorrow will be better.