howdy

camobunny takes a tentative step back toward her usual posting habits...

i do know how to spell "maneuver". in fact, i checked it and checked it again against m-w.com. somehow it still got jumbled when i posted.

hiding can be hard work, mostly because one's anxiety level is ratcheted up several notches all day long. i wonder how difficult it would be to deal with an actual dangerous stalker instead of the harmless kinds i've had. actually, i imagine it would be less difficult in some minor ways because there would be no attempts toward protecting anyone's feelings or toward subtlety. and i could involve the law. and guns.

the only thing that makes someone a stalker rather than very thoughtful/romantic is whether or not they are welcomed by you. that makes me feel as though i am a bad person for not welcoming my blogstalker, as though it is all my fault.

i think i had all these creative things to say between last week and now, but they got stifled by this, um, issue. so all i will say right now is i've had a rough 24 hrs between this and work. i can't believe i got called back in to the hospital right after i left at 1900 last night. i can't believe the helicopter pilot was trying to take off without me even though i was within the ETA i had given. i can't believe i didn't get out of bed this morning when i woke up and saw that the clock said 0522 (i get up at 0530). nooooo. instead i had to stay in bed waiting for the alarm to go off, go back to sleep, and sleep 'til 0716 (i have to be in the hospital at 0700) because the alarm wasn't turned on! i'm incredibly thankful there haven't been any trips yet this morning. here in my cubicle i sit, my body feeling tired-- you know, that sort of languorous soreness in the muscles?-- and my eyes feeling dry, and my throat sore from whatever weird allergic post nasal drip i have going on. nonetheless it feels good to be alive. when i feel tired and languorous like this i don't store all that anxiety in my muscles, and i feel relaxed and calm-- it's like when a balloon has a hole in it; i just can't keep any anxiety inside me and i remain floppy. the only thing i'm worried about is that i'm a bit stinky since i didn't take a shower this morning because i was late.

oh, and meatball hotpockets are disgusting. i can't believe camodidi didn't warn me.

and now i will go to the nicu bathroom to put on makeup. i look like a little kid without makeup.