contentious

i have a short fuse.

i wonder if this is something i have actually inherited from my father, not unlike my short shins, flat butt, and bulky calves.

not only is my fuse short, i fear that i may actually like to fight. i hope not, but it may be the case. oh, i hope not.

every day that i am gracious, it’s like, it’s like.... hmm. let’s try this. picture in your mind a person with a dog on a leash. i walk in one direction, using all my might, straining against the force of this rabid dog, snarling and snapping behind me as it tries to take off in the other direction.

the dog does get loose every once in a while. the camobunny’s claws come out, and in words sharper than gleaming knives they slash and cut, destroying my precious relationships. i can be a real jerk inside and out. and of that i feel great shame. i return, tail between my legs, head hanging low, and i beg forgiveness. i do not deserve it.

at this point i feel that i must first grapple with the evil forces inside me and best them before i can apologize in a truly genuine fashion. so if i owe you an apology, which i probably do, that is why it has not yet come. know that i do feel sorry right now, but that’s not enough. i want to do something to prevent this from happening again before i come to you in apology.

i have now cut a swath around myself, clearing that area of friends and loved ones, and again i stand alone. at this point i choose not to inflict myself upon anyone. “for it is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” it’s so true that it’s in proverbs multiple times.

sigh.