i blew it

it's blown.

in this earthly life i've had five things going for me.

one i blew four years ago.

one dissipated a year and a half ago. that left me with three.

one is dying right now, slowly, painfully.

and one i've blown wide open of late. should've known i'd get what i deserve. (coal.)

that leaves me with one thing. one thing. one thing. one thing. one thing. one thing. one thing. one thing. one thing. one thing. one thing.

it echoes in my head, in my fingers as i type. one thing. one thing. i perseverate here because the intense guilt, sorrow, responsibility i feel for killing the other thing, for hurting innocent people, won't let me move away. i knew better, i thought i'd get away with it, but i blew it. and i don't want to think about it; it hurts too much. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

another one of the most important things in my life i have destroyed, i have let the evil in me destroy.

and all i have left is music.

p.s. cathee, don't marry him.