the state of things

don't be offended when you don't get a christmas card from me. i'm not doing them this year. so, that explains that. gifts? only the ones i "have" to give.

Jesus. what's happened? happy early birthday, by the way. i'm sorry about everything. i truly, truly am.

something's up. i totally have PTSD. memories from years ago are flooding back and washing over me. drowning me. wonderful memories. horrible memories. my heart is pounding; my brain is numb. i feel dizzy, almost intoxicated. i can smell it, feel it again and again and again. i tear up during lectures about computational modeling of aortic impedence, for goodness' sake.

today in the, well, the place, i stood observing, because that's my role (i'm too far along for this crap, by the way). i thought to myself, i wish i could have VT or VF right now and just drop. right here, witnessed. and there wouldn't be any questions, just the mess in my bedroom to clean up. i always did adore simplicity.

who'd miss me most? my mom. and after that, the other fellows, because that'd be one less first-call fellow for the call schedule.

that's horrible, but it's true, and that makes things even worse.