the squeaky wheel

neediness. perhaps it’s those who wear their neediness on their proverbial sleeves that get their needs fulfilled. is it only those who appear needy that find shelter under the wing of someone who cares?

it is my perception that i was raised never to seem needy. i was “encouraged” to learn to do things myself. but maybe this wasn’t my parents’ intention, because i remember once being completely bewildered and appalled when i was told by one of them to ask for help finding something in the library. ask? for help? i would not, and was labelled “stubborn”. i must have been six or seven.

so anyway, some of us tend not to pronounce our needs publicly. that doesn't mean we don't have them.

what needs? a need for attention. a need for affection. a need for affirmation. a need for just some company. a need for a

a need for things that other women have.

i wonder if it is doing me any good. actually, i wonder if it is doing me any harm. and i wonder if it’s just habit, or if i’m doing it on purpose—

because what is it? what is it in my smile that says “i don’t need you to be my friend”? what is it in my handshake that says “i don’t need any help”? and what it is in my eyes that says “i don’t need for anyone to love me”?

sniff.

shoulders back. eyes on the level. click go the heels, and away go i.