don't let it bother you

this morning i encountered a _____(noun) that has great potential to upset me greatly.

desperate not to let myself get upset (because when i get upset about ______ (noun) i get very upset indeed), i quickly tried to think about other things.

after i hopped into my ride so fly, a solution presented itself. the stupid radio show came on.

see, the radio station i've been listening to for at least three years has changed its morning show. before it was innocuous and entertaining. now it's rude, ignorant, and obnoxious. the accents of the dj's alone make me bristle. the fact that they were making ignorant, racist comments (and thinking that they were funny) was even more effective.

that's when it occurred to me. the most effective way for me to avoid being upset about something is to get upset about something else.

this reminds me of a comment i made about myself about a year ago. i noted then that throughout my childhood and youth i basically had two emotional settings: angry, and off. i was encouraged that i had become able to emote over the entire spectrum. but now, what is this? have i relapsed into old ways?

what i'd like is to NOT let things bother me AND maybe even to be happy about something instead. is that so much to ask? now, however, i am confronted with the age-old question, "yes, but how?"

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also apropos for today's title is a memory that just popped into my head. so one day i'm on the phone with my mom, and she proudly says, "guess what! i saw _______ (person) at saks fifth avenue today. she's on scholarship at _______ (state agricultural school) and she also works at saks. she's so tall and pretty too!"

it felt like another one of those "look at how great she is don't you wish you were something too" comments. i was in medical school at the time.

it bothered me. of course it shouldn't have bothered me that my old elementary school friend was working her way through undergrad as a salesgirl when my mom ran into her, and it didn't. i think it's obvious what part bothered me.

i remain perplexed by the comment and what motivated it.

now i assume that i took it the wrong way.

i wonder if my mother is proud of me.