i wish...

today, i wish i could draw.

this is because today, the words aren't there.

if i could draw, i'd draw something in pen and ink.

i'd use a really really dark heavy blue ink. almost-black blue.

it would be a very messy and liney and angular drawing of nothing

the kind you could do with the pen in your fist

the exercise being "draw how you feel today".

i can't draw though.

once in college we were supposed to draw something. maybe it was "draw how you feel today;" i don't quite recall. the pretty sisters from down the hall drew hearts and smiley faces and flowers on pink construction paper. maybe even birds that looked like v's and m's. i was stunned. i didn't know people our age still even thought to draw like that.

the memory is coming back to me now. i drew something on white paper with a medium blue crayon. boxes. small boxes. going diagonally upward and to the right. the first box (bottom left) was a perfect square, shaded neatly and evenly. the next box less so, with some white gaps in the shading. the 4th and 5th boxes started to lose their outlines. and by the top right of the doodle there was no box outline at all, and the color that would have filled the box took the form of a blue sprawly scribble.

puffintoad looked at my picture and said she liked it and she understood what i meant. i initially felt some doubt, not of her ability to understand, but that my picture actually communicated what i wanted it to. i soon convinced myself that it did, and i was glad to be making a friend who understands.

i have no idea why i just remembered that.

sometimes i wish i could have all my drawings back to look at too.

puffintoad, on our trip i don't care what we do. i like spending time with you.