fire up!
i got paged this morning, waking me up and causing the very first emotion i felt today to be perplex... perp... perplexity? yeah, that. i drew upon my talent for sounding awake and chipper even when i've just woken up and called the number.
her: [camobunny]? hi. (pause)
inner me: (uhh...)
her: (pause) it's dr. h. (dramatic pause)
what am i supposed to do in this dramatic pause? oh yeah, respond.
me: oh, hi! (with audible exclamation point)
both: (tension-breaking laugh)
her: (deep breath) i got your e-mail.
me: oh, yes. yes, yes.
her: yes.
me: you know, i hope it didn't sound upset. i'm not upset, but i re-read the message and it was harsher than i intended...
her: well, it did sound a little upset, but that's mostly because i was upset while reading it.
inner me: (heh. good! get fired up!)
me: oh? yeah.
...
yeah, so someone made a recommendation that i didn't like yesterday. it wasn't rude. it was subtle and polite. but it was wrong. it was wrong for patient care. it was the wrong thing to do. it pointed out a team trend in compromising quality of care. and dr. h. is the team boss so when we got back from the helicopter trip i wrote her.
as you may have figured, i like reading myself write (i don't like hearing myself talk, but that's different), so i may have gotten a little overzealous with my e-mail. i used phrases like "it is not acceptable" and even the sentence, "this i will not compromise." and honestly, re-reading the message yesterday, i sounded more upset than i truly am. still, i don't take anything back.
driving home yesterday i thought a few things to myself. what does this mean? am i avoidant about face-to-face confrontation? does writing strong letters make me feel superior? is that why i prefer a communication medium in which i can present my case in its entirety without interruption, and which gives me time to choose words carefully and organize my argument as i could not do on the fly? am i afraid to make someone dislike me? do i brandish big words because i'm a small person? am i a coward? am i fake? am i nasty and harsh?
i did say what i thought about that recommendation directly to the person who gave it. i said, "i don't think i'll do that. we all need to [do something else]." and she said, "well you could [do it this way]." and i said, "no we can't, because [of this]." and she said, "oh." and that was the end of it.
dr. h. said "a different nurse may have been snippier about it. another doc might have taken it, but i think you're outspoken enough to have been able to do the right thing."
but am i? and did i? i don't know. i'm not outspoken. i'm passive. and inhibited. i just get fired up about certain things, that's all.
being quiet when i'm worked up and expressing it later is a habit of mine. how does one change the way one responds to certain situations? if i had conciously been thinking about it, would i have said all those things i wrote in the letter right then and there? would it even have been the right thing to do?
i've been thinking, and i think i did it the right way. i stated the facts, and it wouldn't have helped to pontificate about how i felt about it the way i did in the letter. no one is going to be implicated or "corrected", and hopefully, no one's left thinking i'm a bitch.
except you guys. heh heh.
posted by CamoBunny at 11:23
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2 comments
2 Comments:
I know there are times (actually a lot of times) where I don't know how to express myself to someone without writing it down. But then I have known people who are just the opposite. They cannot express themselves at all in writing and need a face-to-face conversation to communicate themselves effectively.
I don't know that the tendency to write extensive letters and after something has happened is cowardice, or superiority or anything like that. Sometimes it might be, I guess. But I think it is more an idicator that you tend to mull things over and really think things through, and you continue to develop your thinking after such incidents in occur.
It can help you clarify your feelings and your thoughts. And a lot of times it gets things taken care of, and is taken more seriously than comments made in person. Because you went to the trouble of choosing the right words and collecting evidence and presenting a persuasive argument It demonstrates that you have really thought about the situation and care enough about it to put all the effort into writing about it. And, if you are a good writer, what you have written will in fact persuade people to see your points.
Just curious: when you are worked up about something in such a manner do you ever find that once you have started or finished writing your letter or whatever it is that you are writing that you have changed your mind about it or that the letter is not necessary and you don't actually send it? I guess an easier way to say this is, is the writing ever purely a cathartic process for you?
2/15/2006 10:32:00 PM
i'm a pretty deliberate person, and so if i set out to write a letter, it's because i feel that something very much needs to be said. all my "big stick" letters were about egregious wrongs that needed to be righted and documented. as a matter of fact, when i'm that worked up about something, i usually wait overnight so i'm not just reacting because of strong emotions (the proverbial "sleeping on it"). if i think of it the next day and get fired up again, it's worth a letter.
about writing: my job requires me to write everything down. i have to document even my very thought processes on paper. i've learned to use that as a tool for organization of thought and communication, and it's handy. the exercise of blogging is similar. but. i'm not one who tends to get so emotionally obstipated as to be need cathartic rituals, so writing is not a cathartic thing for me. it is expressive, but not cathartic. i try to keep a consistent expressive flow so i don't need to have a big purge. daily writing can serve as an expressive exercise. more intense emotional expression happens in the form of poetry and journal-writing.
i don't write letters and not send them. and if someone has some sort of interpersonal issue to address, i think it's important to talk face-to-face or by phone at the least, to allow for a dynamic conversation and to give someone a chance to respond. that's why lecturing someone/asking someone out/breaking up with someone via e-mail/letter/post-it note is not acceptable and, actually, something i consider immature or cowardly. example: a former close friend of mine avoided and ignored me for a month, and then wrote me a bitter e-mail about how he thought i am racist against his people (white man) and ungrateful to this country (i was born here, thanks very much). them's fightin' words, and if you're gonna use fightin' words, you oughtn't be so spineless as to hide behind a medium where the other party has no opportunity to explain or defend themselves.
2/16/2006 12:20:00 PM
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