kablooie

so it's the end of the day, and i'm trying to unwind. the day didn't end up being as horrible as it started. still, there's a tension inside me as i drive home, hang up all my stuff, go upstairs to fill my humidifier, get changed, and check my e-mail one last time.

then i see it. one last e-mail of the day, and it really pushes my buttons. intentionally.

i want to explode, as inside i'm raging with punches and and swear words, but there's no one here but me, and there's no point in being destructive or loud. so instead i am slowly imploding. i want to berate him, to express my anger, focus it all within this giant laser cannon of a temper that i have and hit him right in the midsection with it, taking out some of what's above and more of what's below. i want to scream at him to get out of my life, but i shouldn't, because i know it is all that i am being unreasonable.

i am unreasonable inside quite often and i know it. so i scroll down to read my post from before about the itch to be mean. i try to guess whether or not this has been building since then. i decide that it has not.

i take a deep breath and think about what dr. s. said the other day. that he thinks i'm a nice person. i informed him that assuredly, i am not nice inside. then i realize that my deeds reflect otherwise. grace and mercy and goodness inside me somehow overrides the evil, critical, high-tempered angry parts of me and i still treat people with respect even when i am completely pissed off.

what the heck.

so tonight i'll just say it again.

happy christmas, you idiot.

you'd better thank God that somehow He is making me nice.