arrogance

today my fingers hurt. kind of a lot. it even hurts to type. i wonder if people noticed me involuntarily grimacing as the strings cut into my fingertips this morning, adding to my unhappiness.

i suppose i spoke inaccurately this morning. i said i was "stressed out". in retrospect, that wasn’t the case. i was angry.

i go from feeling underappreciated to feeling used pretty quickly. i suppose they’re really not all that far from each other on the spectrum, because at the root of it is the feeling that people aren’t bothering to take you, your abilties, your needs, or your feelings into account. it's actually a feeling that falls into the category of selfish feelings. see, i’m not usually one to boohoo about that kind of stuff. i just kinda get ticked for a little while, and then move on, because i mean, come on, that’s life. in the grand scheme of things, no one is that important. but this morning i got really worked up. i mean, really worked up. i was just standing there, thinking, and i got madder and madder until i became unreasonable.

i'd been asked to play guitar. very well; i like to try to help, and i need more opportunities to work on the guitar. and i was told there'd be a strong vocal group, so i could relax and focus on guitar, which i need because i am a beginner. okay. sounds like a good opportunity. so i arrive on saturday. but other people do not. oh, so okay, they should be there tomorrow? despite the "no practice, no play" policy we have that has caused me to have to switch around work shifts to my inconvenience? sigh. very well. i'll add a few vocals to help out today, while we don't have those people, and things will be better tomorrow when they come. thank God for capo charts. oops, i'm not good enough to do that one without a capo either; guess i'll have to transpose in my head, and learn a few new chords too. okay.

sunday morning. still lacking one singer, who hasn't found a replacement. fine. three singers is enough. oh, it isn't? fine. i'll help support i guess. wait, what? you want to change the vocal arrangement? ugh. but fine. what? i'm leading a song? bah, fine. what? you don't know your part, and now i have to sightread a new complicated one? the tenor? the one line that the keyboard player consistently omits from the accompaniment so i really am sightsinging? what?

okay, pause to tally this up. okay, now go.

when i express discomfort with this, desiring change, i hear "OH you're not trusting that it will be okay."

WHAT? HOW... INCREDIBLY... RUDE! of course it'll be okay for you. i am the one who now has to pick up the slack for everyone else's irresponsibility, tardiness, lack of practice, lack of musicianship, lack of commitment, lack of common courtesy. all of this would have been avoided if everyone had done what they were supposed to do. everyone else can trust that it will be okay because i'm the one doing the rest of the work. and when i say "no" to extra responsibility, i am the one being petulant and selfish?

now, yes, i am good. i have the skills. i CAN handle this. i mean, last week i got subbed in on keyboards at the VERY last minute and helped the group recover from BIG HUGE mistakes with flair and artistry all while sightreading. stressful it was, but totally worth it, and the humility and gratitude in everyone's spirit (including mine! i can't take credit for the save; it was divine intervention) was beautiful.

this was different. see, just because i CAN, doesn't mean i SHOULD, and it really doesn't mean i'll be able to do it with the proper humility and state of mind. it's no fun to have those abilities abused and taken for granted, to be worked and stretched to the limit because of other people's shortcomings and then be told that i need to work on relaxing and having a trusting spirit.

i should have just walked away. i was so mad; my heart wasn't in the right place to be playing or singing. that would have been the right thing to do. oh wouldn't THAT have been misinterpreted as a glorious diva moment?! and wouldn't it have caused outright panic and pandemonium? hahaha. i'm so evil, that thought makes me grin. or maybe it's a sneer.

what if i did go diva? shall i make everyone else have to work on MY terms? should i withdraw my offer to be helpful by playing instruments and demand that i will only sing? and saunter in late all the time and never learn my part, and only sing lines that are convenient for me, or comfortably within my range? and demand that it should always be in the style i deem appropriate? OR... should i quit?

i run my thumb across my sore fingertips, and the pain reminds me of how mad i got this morning. evidently, i still feel it was justifiable. a little spark of anger shoots off inside me and flickers briefly before it goes out.

what's worst of all, this is tainting my love and experiences of music with these negative feelings.

if you're on the music team and you read this, please. please, please, please. just, please. don't say anything. there's no need. i'm just being selfish and arrogant, and this is where i vent. and i feel much better now. and now i can smile, and go and do my job that i love, all night long, with a pleasant attitude.

so don't say anything. don't say thanks, don't say sorry. don't say anything.

just don't do it to me again.