inanity, vanity, and pride

my blog will never be a "popular" blog because i write about such things. i am most definitely okay with that.

in some sort of objective fashion i can say about myself that i have been given certain talents and attributes that may be assessed as positive. i do like that about my life. at the same time i feel a strong desire to be humble and wise, and therefore not to put great stock or value in these talents or attributes. this results in a bit of inner conflict and paradoxical thinking, and often leaves me searching for equipoise (see future post).

example: the donation of my hair last june was intended to be an exercise in charity and humility. ("jo, how could you? your one beauty!") the point was to do something good for others and to deliberately do away with vain concerns about how i look. on self-assessment i would say the exercise did not last with me long. my new hairstyle was a smashing hit and is now being emulated all over the place. i got so many compliments. sooooo many. so many that i felt that more people were looking at me. and i started curling my lashes and wearing mascara.

ugh. prior to this i had felt that mascara was a fairly inane endeavor, seeing as how 1) it's makeup, just more unnatural face-paint, more time wasted in the morning and 2) they're just eyelashes. what's the point? what an arbitrary thing to consider a factor for beauty. and besides, mine are already black. i still don't know exactly why i started doing this; i can only theorize that with my hair gone i felt a need to make my face (eyes) prettier, and i just acted on it without really considering what i was doing. in support of that theory is the fact that i have worn makeup just about every single day since i cut my hair too.

in a small step toward readjusting my priorities, today i am going about sans eyeliner. but i feel naked without it. no, naked is the wrong word. i feel dowdy without it.

the purely psychological effects of this one tiny insignificant detail has changed my attitude for the day. i find that to be lame. quite lame indeed. fortunately, it's no big deal.

i chose a superficial example for the blog, but there are many more instances in which i find myself thus confronted with my own personal hypocrisy as manifested in the actions that conflict with my purported values.

it is one thing to be idealistic, and quite another to actually live out one's ideals. i find that the difficulty in accomplishing/reaching such a state of integrity is attributable to the false comfort found in fulfilling fleshly desires, and is proportionate to one's degree of insecurity as well as the degree to which one is affected by local societal values and pressures.

all that to say, it's not easy being vain. so why bother?