i am a doctor

i wasn't going to post today, but it's weighing on me.

i am a doctor.

people depend on me.

i am a doctor.

people turn to me when they don't know what else to do.

i am a doctor.

today i helped a patient who was bleeding a lot into her airway and couldn't breathe. physically i did nothing to very little for her, but everyone was counting on me because i am a doctor.

i walked in to a stunned-looking surgeon and a slightly nervous anesthetist both of whom appeared mildly relieved to see me because i am a doctor.

there was a suction canister full of blood, and breathing tubes, and IV fluids, and medicine that sedates, and medicine that relieves pain, and medicine that paralyzes. there was a mechanical ventilator, and anesthesia gas, and oxygen tubing and bloody drool and gloves and stethoscopes and monitors. there was a helicopter and helmets and flightsuits and a stretcher. there were numbers, calculations, ventilator settings, weights, doses. there were physical examination findings and information and public relations and encouragement and education. there was knowledge and responsibility and obligation and sacrifice.

there were bystanders. there was my gloved hand, squeezing the bag, breathing for a child. there was my seat in the helicopter at the airway, at a vantage point where i could survey just about everything. and there was time to think.

why am i a doctor? i've been doing all this stuff for a really long time, and now, look, ohhhh, i am a doctor! and i have been for some time now.

i like being a doctor. but being a doctor is always. i am always a doctor. everywhere i go. all the time.

i am a doctor.

dude, what? i'm just me. i like to sit around and do nothing, and i would be eating bonbons if i had any, and i like to listen to music, and maybe chat a little. i like to sit and think, and write poetry. i like hugs and kisses and flowers and being cozy at home or feeling the sunshine on my skin.

what am i doing?

i am a doctor. every day i am a doctor. every every every day.

well, i am.