feet

i don' like feet. i jes' don' like 'em.

and i think that's partly because i don't like my feet. they are big giant flat bony monstrosities.

shoe shopping yesterday reminded me of this. i had forgotten, and i started by trying on shoes that were too small. oh yeah, i have big monster feet, i thought. so with a big sigh i started grabbing my true size, 8 1/2. i am short, so this is a huge size. i walked around, testing for comfort. clomp, clomp, clomp. i stepped over the brannock measuring device that i like so much even though i don't like what it tells me. my skinny legs and their boat-like distal appendages were a comical sight in the slanted floor mirrors.

stupid ugly monster feet.

who's that walkin' 'round here? mercy!
sounds like baby patter
baby elephant patter, that's what i calls it

say, up in harlem, at a table for two,
there were four of us, me, your big feet and you
from your ankles up, i say you sure are sweet,
from there down, there's just too much feet!

yes, your feet's too big!

don't want ya 'cause your feet's too big!
can't use ya 'cause your feet's too big!
i really hate ya 'cause your feet's too big!
yeah!

lah-dee-doo-dah, nah-dah-nah-dah
where d'ya get 'em?
nah-dee-ah-dah

your girl, she likes ya, she thinks you're nice,
got what it takes to be in paradise
she said she likes your face, she likes your rig,
but, man, oh, man, them things are too big

oh, your feet's too big
don't want ya 'cause your feet's too big!
mad at ya 'cause your feet's too big
i hate ya 'cause your feet's too big


my goodness, gun the gunboats!
shift! shift! shift!

oh, your pedal extremities are colossal
to me you look just like a fossil
you got me walkin', talkin' and squawkin',
'cause your feet's too big, yeah

come on and walk that thing
oh, i never heard o' such walkin', mercy!
you know your pedal extremities really are obnoxious.
one never knows, do one?