excuses

the eschemo survivor can accurately isolate the etiology of her emotional lability, because she is naturally so even-keeled. i, however, have no excuse.

how do you tell everyone that you didn't have a good time, when they all did? you don't.

i actually did try prednisone for a little bit. just a mini-burst. a burstlet. staving off the musty spirits, you know? i don't think it's what made me cranky.

that's it. cranky. that's exactly the word to describe how i've been since the weekend. from the moment of my arrival and learning i was assigned to bunk with a bunch of silly giggling college girls, i was cranky. old and cranky.

all weekend i had to deal with prejudice too. i don't know if it's even worth trying to fight it. sometimes i can't tell if i think i'm fighting prejudice and ignorance, but really i'm just standing up for my own ego. the three things i have to say regarding that are: 1) would you ever ask a black american where in africa "home" is? you'd be flayed in a heartbeat. 2) just because i have a uterus doesn't mean i plan on leasing it out to a fetus anytime soon, or ever for that matter. 3) i AM a doctor, but if you won't acknowledge me because i'm a young woman doctor even after a life has just been saved then i can't be of help to you.

did you ever think? no one is there to support the doctor after something scary happens. you can't take it easy after someone almost dies. all i wanted was a freakin' hug. thank God for little kids.

most sadly of all, the music was lackluster. i know, everyone else seemed to enjoy it and it served its purpose, so it isn't worth discussing. i wish i could be truly as "laid back" as i try to seem. how should i explain that mediocrity doesn't sit well with me, and that i don't like participating half-heartedly? i shouldn't. but also i know that was all me. look, i made a new musician friend, but sitting down to play with her she committed two of my biggest musical pet peeves: she played everything too loud and too fast. kind of like when kids blaze through piano sonatinas as quickly as they can with no sensitivity whatsoever. not to say she isn't talented; she is. i guess i just felt it incompatible, and then i couldn't enjoy it. my loss, really.

it really isn't fair of me. i can't compare one year to another. maybe i had unfair expectations. honestly, i don't know what i was thinking. i was hoping it would be— fun. relaxing. it wasn't.

maybe it was just pms. that would make a great excuse. i hope that's it.