i am the camobunny

hello

2010-09-16T08:38:00.001-05:00

my puppy dog and i say hi.

it's hot where we are. we're just hanging out, doing our thing.

how is it where you are? what are you up to?

wounded

2010-09-09T14:53:00.000-05:00

owwww

and now

2010-09-08T00:30:00.000-05:00

i feel so ugly.

what happens on facebook when you die?

2010-05-18T00:10:00.005-05:00

i mean no disrepect with the question. it's just that illness and death have touched those around me, and to my surprise, eulogizing on facebook seems to be what people do now.

is that what we do now?

it makes me think. it makes me cry. it raises questions.

...

they are trite questions. those are not worth discussing here.

it is odd to read facebook (i'm not on it much) and find such heartfelt expressions of love, grief, and tribute pasted up amidst the scads of more mundane updates (i am doing this, i am going there, i have kids and here is a picture, i am tired, i am at work, i like sleep, i like food, i like vacation, i am playing an online game).

(that was my impression of a facebook page. did you like it?)

it feels as though something is out of place-- or is it simply that those of us who like to categorize things feel the urge to keep the profound and the banal from touching each other on our dinner plates? or perhaps it is those of us who suffer from a certain brand of self-importance undervalue the everyday events that some deem facebook-worthy?

for the past three weeks i have been saying it out loud. "life is too short to stay in situations that make you deeply unhappy."

(some may accuse me of being deeply unhappy despite any situation. i am incapable of addressing that accusation.)

i don't know what will happen on facebook when i die. probably nothing. that is okay by me.

i don't want my loved ones to do stuff on facebook. but that is neither here nor there.

right now i just want them to know i love them. RIGHT NOW.

DO YOU HEAR ME, ALL OF YOU?

trapped

2009-08-22T03:30:00.008-05:00

all my life i have been attracted to people who revel in the simplest of life's pleasures. they're not average or normal, and i love them that way. they have helped keep me from getting swept away by my own seriousness, and they have been my best friends over time.

but now? here, things are quiet. and grey.

stupid facebook. and stupid flickr. and myspace. and blogs. and all those things that remind me of all the beauty and all the good
of all the vibrant, incredible things out there
and of the people i love enjoying them

trapped in my hospital room,
i sometimes forget that life is so much better than this,
but really, sometimes, it's better that way
because when i remember
i cry.

new friends

2009-06-22T17:48:00.004-05:00

meet gunther and chan.

gunther

chan

prepositions

2009-05-20T20:31:00.003-05:00

left out, chewed out, burned out, guilted out, bummed out,

upset, put upon

fed up

mourn with me

2009-03-10T14:43:00.006-06:00

for it would appear that i have joined the masses.

yet take solace, for crocs remain to me the greatest of abominations.

new camera

2009-02-07T18:41:00.001-06:00

heh, heh heh.

the company one keeps

2009-01-25T10:52:00.004-06:00

i find all the doctors quite boring.

this, in addition to the daily grind, has worn me down to a little nugget of banality. i sit here jiggling meaninglessly, like a small grey lump of oatmeal that has slid from the stubbly chin of a local vagrant and landed ever so unfortunately onto a cold sidewalk. gross.

it's vaguely frightening, this threat of becoming as boring as most of my married friends. but i'm too bored to care.

and no, sorry my current single friends, no amount of alcohol makes things any more interesting.

i shan't waste more blog space on this. just wanted to tell you where i've been. i've been here. with nothing to report.

maybe i'll start writing about the ennui.

oh, wait. i just did.

candid pic

2008-11-23T21:29:00.003-06:00

spongebob has seen better days.

hi friends

2008-11-13T21:59:00.002-06:00

some of you guys are my fibre arts friends.

if so, then join Ravelry with me! (i'm using a different pseudonym but lemme know if you join and i'll tell you what it is)

okay that's my plug.

answer

2008-10-30T21:59:00.003-06:00

the answer to last week's "name that cartoon" post:

for some reason my brothers and i had this one on tape, and we watched it time and again as children. i'd nearly forgotten about it. it inspires rather fond feelings as i watch it and each new scene is so familiar to me, right down to the way that the chicken clucks and the way donald despondently laments, "my apples!"

one thing i will confess: i never did understand what they were saying in the apple core bit. now that i know, i still don't get it. baltimore?

bathroom adventures

2008-10-28T19:31:00.008-06:00

admittedly, i'm stooping to yet another level of blog stories.

yes, sometimes i have to go to the bathroom at the hospital. come on, we're only human.

evidently two of the hospital bathrooms are back-to-back, and the plumbing, therefore, is likewise back-to-back. why would i know this? because today, being in one of those bathrooms, doing what one does when one is in such a room, i heard someone enter the adjoining bathroom behind me. i heard that door lock. and then suddenly, thump! i felt my toilet seat go upward as someone else plopped his/her posterior onto the toilet seat behind me, on the other side of the wall.

i'm sorry, but i just don't want that much interaction with other people when i'm going about my business. a toilet teeter-totter? or would it be a potty-totter? or a pee-pee-see-saw?

also, last night while getting into the shower i slipped and hurt my knee on the edge of the tub. at least i didn't fall, but i am starting to not trust these bathroom places. perhaps i should never enter a bathroom again?

name that cartoon

2008-10-23T05:18:00.002-05:00

"apple core."

"baltimore."

"who's your friend?"

"ME."

SMACK!

owie

2008-10-07T20:09:00.004-05:00

i hurt myself by coughing and sneezing.

for the past week or so i have had chest pain with each cough, sneeze, sniff, and deep breath (i gots allergies). i thought i was getting better, but today while crossing the street i sneezed. suddenly i was hurting a lot worse— with breathing in and breathing out, with each step, with every word i spoke.

i could take something for the pain. sure. but the best medicine for it is something i've been taking for fairly frequently for headaches. what if it becomes too much medicine? i could get ulcers. or kidney disease! what if i...

i am certain i have simply pulled a chest wall muscle. of course, it has been so long now (and the pain is getting worse) that i have to entertain another diganosis: a broken rib.

why on earth would i have broken a rib? coughing and sneezing? sure. little osteoporotic old people do it. so it's possible. so now do i have osteoporosis? am i malnourished?

this has been an exercise to illustrate that sometimes knowing too much makes for nothing but a big heap of trivia.

HA!

owie. it hurts to laugh.

errors of omission

2008-09-29T18:45:00.005-05:00

are hurtful as well.

too little, too late.

i was not prepared to go softly into that good night,

but it would appear that the human heart has only room for so much.

rage, rage against the dying of the light

(such a bad habit of mine)

yet falling on silent ears and busy minds

my tears and words would simply be without worth.

goodbye. i will try to miss you only for a little while

and perhaps exhibit the grace

and do you the favor

of keeping quiet

blogstipated

2008-09-28T22:09:00.000-05:00

but you already noticed that.

solution

2008-09-21T08:47:00.006-05:00

from all the way across the long, highly-polished board room table the surgeon's gaze intensified, and my colleague's eyes widened as she stuttered.

i had been on call with this particular junior fellow, who was particularly sweet and particularly soft-spoken. i liked her a lot, and didn't want her to feel stressed out as she was bearing the brunt of an especially rough set of questioning. this last question was unusually tricky, and had that "read my mind, read my mind, guess what i'm thinking" quality to it.

my junior colleague did not know the answer to this one. i, having no other outlet for my maternal instinct, always desperately want to help the juniors, to protect and shelter them from potential defeat, humiliation, or surgeonwrath. my mind churned with potential answers, none of them the one he wanted-- i did not know the answer either.

fortunately, my colleague did well to reply to the question as best she could, and the answer ended up being a tricky little philosophical answer designed to open up further discussion- nothing we'd been taught before. no defeat, no humiliation.

after the conference i approached the poor lamb. "great job in conference this morning. it's so hard to be put on the spot like that, especially after working so hard through the night and not sleeping. i hope you feel okay about it."

"oh, yes. i'm fine. but thanks."

"seriously, [c]. i am sorry about that last question. i really, really wanted to step up on that one and take the hit for you, but i didn't know how. i was just sitting there, desperately trying to think of someway to divert his attention away from you, and i didn't know what to do."

"well," said my delicate, soft-spoken friend without missing a beat, "you could have farted."

i would never have thought of that solution. my respect for her problem-solving skills grew immensely.

i am so proud.

friendships

2008-09-21T08:42:00.003-05:00

if you have a friend who lives in a place that may have just suffered a huge natural disaster,

contact them and make sure they are okay.

otherwise, how will you know if you still have a friend?

and maybe, just maybe if you didn't,

you don't.

yes, fortunately, all my friends and loved ones who live there are okay.

hi friends

2008-08-23T23:13:00.001-05:00

i miss you.

all of you.

a lot.

i have been

2008-08-05T22:34:00.001-05:00

abused in the ICU.

that is where i have been.

today

2008-07-05T11:00:00.001-05:00

it's cousin ray's birthday.
hope he's having a happy one.

seriously?

2008-06-30T21:58:00.005-05:00

i can't believe these are the first words i heard when i flipped through to the history channel.

"is there nothing that dung is not capable of providing? dung is the gift that keeps on giving."

i mean, really.

ew.

addendum:

but wait! there's more later in the program!

"... it's the maker of fortunes and the destroyer of worlds.... love it or hate it, poo makes the world go 'round."

seriously? it's not even funny anymore.

goodbye, sweet baby

2008-06-26T10:20:00.005-05:00

it will never be okay with me.

let's never let this happen again.

because

2008-06-26T10:01:00.007-05:00

because i've been bummed out lately, and flowers can help cheer people.

that time of year

2008-06-03T18:01:00.004-05:00

congratulations are in order for camodidi who, by graduating from medical school this past saturday, has just increased the number of doctors named [Camo] (and who are immediately related to one another) to three.

so. how do you like that?

congrats didi. i am proud of you.

now don't call me for a consult.

pizzaface

2008-05-22T15:58:00.000-05:00

still one of my favorite hawaii pictures.

camobunny sings

2008-05-22T15:11:00.001-05:00

sunday, june 8, 6:00 pm

be there, or

don't.

no video cameras, please.

love

2008-05-22T15:10:00.000-05:00

love is really rough.

settling

2008-05-08T21:57:00.000-05:00

sometimes it's hard to be hopeful.

for the sake of...

2008-04-25T19:47:00.002-05:00

i turned the corner. the attending was detaining the ICU fellow as the latter was trying to enter the men's bathroom.

i know what it's like to be the ICU fellow. everyone wants a piece of you. all the time. i mean, my friend couldn't even go to bathroom without someone having some sort of patient care thingie to discuss that seemed important enough that he had to stop him. to STOP HIM FROM GOING PEE.

oh, the humanity!

artifact

2008-04-25T19:41:00.000-05:00

i kind of like it.

bauble

2008-04-25T19:30:00.005-05:00

most of the friends with whom i used to correspond i have lost to love. and by "love" i mean alaska. just kidding. i mean romantic love. uh-huh.

so because they are all gone now, busy splashing happily about in seas of lovey luv love, i am not sure what to do with that which i have found.

misplaced as it is, i honestly don't know what to do. i hold it out before me in my open palm and squint at it. it looks vaguely familiar but seems much less powerful than i thought it'd be. it makes me feel fretful. and distantly happy. and stressed. and ashamed.

i should enjoy it. or cherish it and caress it and dance with it clasped to my chest. instead i just keep staring at it with furrowed brow.

then i clench my fingers around it, squeeze hard, and shake my fist at you. at all of you.

stubborn

2008-03-30T20:21:00.005-06:00

my foot.

it's stuck between railroad ties, and i hear a train coming from somewhere.

i tug and tug, and it won't budge.

panicked though i may be,

for some reason still,

i refuse to remove my shoe.

shrimp

2008-03-25T20:07:00.011-06:00

in oahu, on the road to the north shore, there are a lot of shrimp trucks.

i know it sounds sketchy, but still you should eat at a shrimp truck.

if you eat at a shrimp truck, this is the one at which you should eat.

in fact, it is the original. see? the sign says so.

i always seem to go to the north shore when it is raining.

and to be in a bad position to take photographs.

that being inside a car.

in any case, tourists coming through sign the truck.

and so did i.

it was fun.

grief

2008-03-24T20:51:00.001-06:00

i made a man cry tonight.

*cries*

fish are cool

2008-03-22T18:05:00.000-06:00

at least i think so.

don't you?

(add your own caption to this one)

it's obvious, right?

2008-03-17T17:55:00.004-06:00

just in case it isn't, here you go.

and how do i fit into all this?

very comfortably, thank you.

one at a time

2008-03-16T10:03:00.003-06:00

after much delay,

we'll start with something obvious.

also i'm about to start another intensive care unit rotation and i won't be writing for a while, so i may as well have something to draw from for the next five weeks. a whole vault of low-effort posts!

grown up

2008-03-13T19:59:00.005-06:00

"where's dad?"

the house was quiet, and he usually makes lots of noise no matter what he's doing. through the minds of three of us at the table the plausible medical catastrophes paraded. he was fine, engrossed in working on something trivial in the gameroom, so all felt silly after we found him. it was funny. sort of.

for nearly a year now i have been familiar with the reality of the situation. i had no reason to be concerned, but my parents are getting older, and if something should happen, i must be the one to take care of them. no one else is in a position to do so. it started as just a thought, then became a serious thought, then became a resignation to the frailty of human life. i seriously doubt any of the other kids have thought much about this, let alone deemed it an eventuality.

now that cancer has stuck its ugly, sneering face around the corner (and retreated after we threw rocks at it), i am glad that i was prepared. currently the demon has been staved away, but it won't be long before other morbidities rear their heads. i am ready to do what has to be done.

will you still be my friend if i do?

victory

2008-03-04T19:06:00.008-06:00

another day has passed, and i am prepared for war.

surprise attack! teeth clenched, i wrap my fingers tightly around the throat of my enemy. an involuntary battle cry escapes my lungs as we struggle one-on-one. there is no one to help me now; i am alone in my cause.

my foe has proven himself a mighty adversary in the past, but today i am armed. i reach for my knife, and one! two! threefourfivesixseveneightnineten! and again, and again, and again

and at last, my enemy releases his hold and surrenders. panting from the struggle, heart pounding, i am in disbelief as my cramping hands slowly loosen their grip, bruised and sore.

and tonight i dine on chips and salsa.

ha!

(i tried the hot water over the lid thing, and the slam against the counter thing, and the rubber glove thing. what finally did it was rapping the lid with a knife all around its edge, many many times. i win, i win!)

final blow

2008-03-03T17:49:00.005-06:00

you know what's not okay?

when you're bummed, and after sustaining both insult AND injury, you're driven to junk food— in this case, chips and salsa

and then, for the first time ever,

you can't get the salsa jar open.

*laughs*

*cries*

discovery

2008-03-01T18:32:00.002-06:00

who likes chocolate covered marshmallow bunnies?

i do!

winter

2008-03-01T12:53:00.003-06:00

yet i would challenge you.

years of endless winter, snow upon snow, ice covering all life

sunshine is cruel, sending down empty promises of warmth and happiness and hope

only to disappear and leave one bereft, clutching only the broken dreams that had sprouted in its light

all is again grey and frozen, and frozen again

and the cold creeps back into the soul

and stifles.

it may be cold where you are

but you are not alone

cold

alone

i think, he is, perhaps...

2008-03-01T12:44:00.003-06:00

he talks like i'm good and right, and everything about me is right and good, and everything that is good and right is me. in his eyes i can do no wrong.

and, of course, it is wrong, inherently wrong, the definition of what is wrong in this world. there can be no pretending. he is wrong.

and i am right. which is N.F. which stands for No Fun.

or perhaps No Fair.

... infatuated?

... lying?

you know what i miss?

2008-02-23T20:38:00.002-06:00

i miss this part of my old job.

camobunny in a bikini!

2008-02-18T17:16:00.007-06:00

oh yes, it's true.

and oh no, you don't get to see!

(although i think i once posted a pic somewhere on this blog about this very subject... oops)

i'm back from hawaii and it was... nice. i spent the time actually enjoying life, which was really refreshing.

i don't want to give you a play-by-play of "one day we did this, and the next day we did that." i'm afraid, however, that i can't do anything better than that. i'm going to ponder how i can best put this together. i also have to sort through the photos so i can post some of them. yay photos!

in the meantime i'll say that the theme of dale chihuly's art has recurred once again in my vacationing experience. it was some of the seashell pieces this time; i didn't take any pictures. i also came back with gifts for family and friends, silly clothes and jewelry for myself, and much more of a tan than i ever intended. and although i thought i got my first sunburn, i never did peel. i also came back with a better figure, from eating healthier food and being active every day there. either that or i came back with better self-esteem/body image. amazing the things hawaii can give you.

what a great place. you think there are any openings for pediatric cardiologists there?

vacation

2008-02-15T09:08:00.002-06:00

two weeks in hawaii, and not a single blog post as documentation.

i'm back. i've been flying all night so i'm going to sleep now. we'll talk later.

smart

2008-01-30T22:32:00.001-06:00

the people at work think i'm smart.

"very smart", "bright", these are words they use to describe me when they are evaluating, critiquing, or describing me.

i wonder...

now don't get me wrong. i'm glad i have brains that work well.

but come on. we're all doctors here. who's not smart around here?

am i really that smart,

or could they not come up with anything else?

p.s. "smart" is a really funny word if you use it enough times in a row. smart. smart. smartsmartsmart. smart

big picture

2008-01-27T21:11:00.000-06:00

so yes, i just posted a stupid post about being excited about going on vacation.

then i surfed over to someone else's blog and found out that he has just discovered faith in Christ.

really puts things into perspective, doesn't it?

i am excited for him!

excitement

2008-01-27T20:56:00.000-06:00

not a lot gets me excited these days.

but.

i'm going away on vacation in less than a week!

yayyyyyyyyyyyyy...

differences

2008-01-19T23:30:00.000-06:00

one thing i could not do is pediatric cancer.

i do pediatric heart disease instead.

in both fields there are many patients who die.

pediatric cancer patients start with years of a normal childhood and have it robbed from them. then the oncologists do their best to get it back.

pediatric heart patients start without a natural chance to survive. then the heart surgeons and cardiologists give them that chance.

it's just different.

today

2008-01-14T20:50:00.001-06:00

today i slept in by an hour and a half on purpose. i got up at 0530.

today i was nice to everyone who called for my help. even if i did not feel like helping.

today i accidentally stepped in on a family as their young girl was dying. of cancer. i have great affection for this girl. i accidentally caught a glimpse of her as she, pale, thin, skin covered in strange lesions, gasped for breath. i am haunted.

i'm tired.

on service

2008-01-11T23:41:00.000-06:00

my legs hurt.

my brain hurts.

my ego hurts.

yes, that's right people. i'm back on service. lots more work, very little time to think. sorry about that.

i am also sorry that i missed my friend's birthday. i woke up at 0400 and just now got home, and didn't get a chance to call her to say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH!

new

2008-01-06T22:15:00.000-06:00

today

i set some goals

and accomplished them.

i have a strange feeling inside me now.

i think it might be satisfaction.

lessons learned today

2008-01-06T13:22:00.000-06:00

1. time management: i was certain that if i sat down and added up all the time i needed to do absolutely everything i am supposed to do every day (keeping disciplined, healthy, and clean), it would add up to greater than 24 hours, thus proving that there just isn't the time. i was wrong. even if i sleep for seven hours a night, i have two or three hours left over. oh, the lies we tell ourselves. it turns out that i do have time.

2. attitudes and behaviour: i sit in the seat of scoffers. oops. get up, get up, get out!

the edge

2008-01-04T23:17:00.000-06:00

the edge is a tough place to be.

almost losing it, not quite together. generally dissatisfied without being able to name a problem. part immaculate, part squalor. it's itchy. it's the way burned-out addicts are generally depicted— twitchy, kinetic, uncertain, searching, not seeing what's in front of their faces. it's a pretty girl, disheveled, beyond caring, oblivious. it's picking at a scab— senseless, painful, fascinating.

how does one deal with it? she keeps looking for something to grab on to, or a hook or crook to drag her away from the edge and back into the center, or into the fold, or at least somewhere from which she can't see the crags and pointy rocks down there all threatening-like. it doesn't appear, and she wanders around on the edge, pulling at her hair and gnashing her teeth.

she needs a mouthguard. they're expensive, though, and insurance doesn't cover them.

so instead she puts on music, and sit cross-legged in a chair, rocking and humming.

and tomorrow she'll get up and go to work.

pink. stereotypes.

2008-01-04T19:38:00.000-06:00

i did have my blog in pink for a few days. it was pretty, and i enjoyed how the pink hit my eyes.

today at work i walked into conference to see that girl. you know the one. That Girl. she had long straight black hair and wore no makeup. she was meek and quiet. she had a pink backpack and pink sneakers. she was writing in a notebook everything uttered in the room. she wore a sweater that was two colors of pink, and a name badge from the medical center. she was older than she looked, and identified herself to no one. she had a pink jacket sitting next to her pink backpack.

disgusted, i came home and took the pink off of my blog.

accomplishment

2008-01-03T20:39:00.000-06:00

so you know how the other day i mentioned that i'd found an old friend?

now she knows. and we're connected again.

yay!

so. despite the headache, i did manage to make one major accomplishment today.

i tried

2008-01-03T13:20:00.000-06:00

i took another 400 mg of ibuprofen.

i dried my hair and slapped on a headband.

i put on a hoodie sweatshirt and a pair of scrub pants. yes, i'm thirty for goodness' sake. so what.

no makeup. no curling iron. not even decent clothing. who cares. i'm on research.

i put a piece of gum in my mouth, clogs on my feet, and a jacket on my back and went out the door.

in the elevator on my way down, it was cold. butt cold. how unpleasant. my jacket wasn't long enough or heavy enough. oh, well. i wouldn't be spending that long outside.

then i noticed that i had failed to pack either ibuprofen or sumatriptan. i had no headache medicine. oh, well. if my migraine recurs, i should come back home anyway.

the elevator doors opened, and i unlocked my car with the remote. then i realized i had left my pager and i.d. badge (without which i cannot access my office) in my home.

"oh, screw it." i locked my car, got back in the elevator, and went back home.

i tried to go to work today. i did.

it just didn't take.

migraine

2008-01-03T10:43:00.001-06:00

today was supposed to be our first day back at work,

but i awoke this morning at 0430 (half an hour before my alarm) with an ice pick in my right frontal lobe.

this has destroyed my morning. i had so many plans for today, too!

deeply shallow

2008-01-02T18:07:00.000-06:00

reflexively my eyes widened and my jaw dropped.

i've been a fan of fleming and john since college. fleming mcwilliams has a voice that stands up to that of any of the top women vocalists you can name, and her technique is impeccable. there are plenty of f&j songs i'd love to cover, but simply don't have her range.

i haven't been following what the band's been doing lately, but after adding them to one of my pandora stations ("modern folksy girls"-- you've gotta listen! it's shaping up to be really great. sara bareilles is also featured on the station and she is phenomenal) i've had the opportunity to catch up.

today one particularly suprising song came up. the instrumental intro had an immediately recognizable, signature sound. mcwilliams' vocals came in strong, as usual. then the lyrics grabbed and shook me. or, i should say, shocked me:

when i saw you at the grocery store
you were sharing a shopping cart with her
and i couldn't turn and run away
i didn't know what to say
you introduced us for the first time
and i had to look her in the eye
but you could not imagine my surprise

can't you see
you're leaving me
for an ugly girl

does she talk about politics
and all the stuff that used to make me sick
does she smoke cigars and stay up late
oh she's so great
does she tell you what you want to hear
and i bet that she can grow a beard
i'd feel better thinking you were queer

it's not fair
i can't compare
to an ugly girl

ha ha ha the joke's on me
i feel jealous and i feel mean
is she so nice that it makes up for her face
there's no way
do you have to keep your eyes closed
do you have to keep the lights down low
oh i bet you wish you had a blindfold

can't you see
you're leaving me
for an ugly girl

so awful! so funny! but so horrible! i'd cover it, but can't for fear that i'd seem snobby and mean, or that people wouldn't get the joke that i AM the ugly girl, or that i simply CAN'T sing it BECAUSE i am the ugly girl! how ugly the girl who would sing about how ugly a girl is!

oh, wow. so many levels of ugliness.

at a loss

2008-01-02T17:39:00.000-06:00

he thinks he is open-minded, progressive, forward-thinking, and wise.

he makes incredibly idiotic, prejudiced, unfounded, judgmental statements that reek of a lack of understanding

all the time.

consistently. it seems to be his m.o.

and he teaches younger people to try to think the way he does.

i want desperately to say something

but absolutely cannot. so what should i do?

it's sad. and bad. and it makes me mad.

now, i too am a fool, and still make similar mistakes, but

it is the greatest fool who considers himself wise

and leads others into his folly.

help me out, people.

2008-01-02T12:10:00.000-06:00

what's a good gift for when co-workers who aren't quite your friends have babies? i'm at a loss.

bored

2008-01-01T23:17:00.000-06:00

she was bored.

the few people she could talk to had nothing to say. this resulted in hours worth of phone calls in which she felt obligated to continue providing topics of conversation, especially when the other person fell silent. each time it took her quite a while to realise that she was effectively doing that thing she calls "chattering mindlessly", like so many insipid women do, and the other person was simply obliging her. she felt vaguely embarrassed, and then remembered that the other party always has the option of terminating the conversation. she accepted this, terminated the conversation, and wiped the makeup off of her cell phone, each time wondering if either she or the other person had benefited from the call. she doubted it. and she felt worse off.

disappointed by the phone (she never was a phone person, anyway), she turned to the computer. other than the usual spams, her e-mail held nothing. while checking her five different accounts, a couple of times her phone alarmed that she had received text messages wishing her a happy holiday. interesting that it didn't deserve an e-mail anymore-- just a text message. actually, it was not interesting. it was boring.

she absentmindedly chewed a lock of hair (a disgusting habit, if you asked me, which you did not. why do people chew on things?) as she turned to blogs. she had joined the blogwagon back when it was popular, and she holds those who have fallen off in disdain. she made note that anyone who had started dating was capable of blogging only about dating, and that was boring in the worst way, or they had stopped blogging because they had found in dating something else to do. she looked at the card her boring boyfriend had sent (the same christmas card he sent everyone, she noted) and shrugged.

and that was it. she was so bored by others she was forced to turn inward and start working on improving her own life. she tried to think of some unique new year's resolutions.

she got bored with that. she called me.

i was cleaning my fridge and kitchen at the time. "why?" she asked. i answered, "because it was dirty. and i'd otherwise be bored, because i'm not allowing myself to do anything 'til my place is clean." she painted her toenails and leafed through shopping catalogs while we talked about holiday brunches, pop music, lotion, the doggie-in-the-handbag phenomenon (we share disapproval), the color pink, words that are overused or used incorrectly, how beautiful we each think the other is, and men. so we talked about nothing, really.

you can talk with me about nothing any time, dear. i just hope mine was a conversation after which you feel better off.

she did say it was okay that i blog about her. it would give her something to read.

today's accomplishments

2008-01-01T20:46:00.000-06:00

i cleaned out the fridge. completely.

i made a salad and ate it.

i cleaned the remainder of the kitchen.

i found a long-lost friend. she doesn't know i have found her.

i learned how to play sudoku.

i posted on my knitblog.

that's a lot for me.

new year's eve

2007-12-31T10:36:00.000-06:00

nope. never been one of my favorite holidays. frankly, i don't get it.

now new year's day. that's a good holiday. it's usually nice and quiet, as businesses are closed. i like having people over for a new year's brunch. chocolate pancakes, mimosas with fresh-squeezed orange juice, delicate white flowers, late morning jazz. this is the day to spend with friends, talking about nothing or everything. talking about cartoons and sports and food. talking about resolutions, the year past, and plans for the new year and years to come. looking at life and knowing that there has been blessing, there is hope, and there will be joy. now this makes sense to me.

but on new year's day, most of the people i know now are sleeping or hung over.

i need to find a church this year. a daunting and exciting prospect.

excerpts from a new year's letter

2007-12-30T23:30:00.000-06:00

edited freely. because i can.

dear [friend],

sometimes when my time becomes my own, my mind wanders off to places it hasn't been in a long while. once it arrives, it feels very lost. it makes me feel the way i would imagine a patient with amnesia would feel— like i'm about to remember something, like i should know where i am, but i just can't and don't. i recognize things, but i don't belong anymore. that's how i feel about the world you live in. i imagine that you spend your time in pursuit of understanding and experiencing beauty, truth, and life. am i right?

i have become a person with much less depth than i used to possess. i am not okay with that. it's a line from a song: "what i wouldn't give to be younger and wiser...." i spend more of my time being busy with tasks at hand, and i spend most of my emotional energy being righteously indignant about work-related topics or about ways that i have been mildly wronged.

so. now it's new year's eve eve. i have allowed christmas to pass with little contemplation about "the reason for the season" and little sentiment toward anyone. this has become the usual for my christmas holidays. new year's day, however, has for two years in a row held pleasant little surprises for me. good things happen to me on new year's day. things that inspire hope. not the kind of hope that swells and soars high in the clouds like a brightly coloured childhood kite, but rather the sort that glows as a little coal whose heat is key in "bringing forth life and giving growth, seed for sowing and bread for eating...." if it happens again this year, i shall officially declare new year's day my favorite holiday, ahead of good friday.

and that, dear friend, is how my holiday season is going.

[update on the family omitted]

... as for me, there's not much to say except that i am still working. isn’t that what i always have to report? so nothing new there, except that my passion for medicine is waning, and my certainty about God's intentionally placing me here in this job in particular has all but dissipated. i am blandly happy with my life in that i am comfortable and well-fed, and i have my health and relative youth, and i am still thin, well-dressed, and not physically repulsive. that's all. nothing special. nothing bad.

[personal section about friend omitted]

... in any case, i hope you have a happy new year, full of light and laughter and noise and colors and banging on pots and pans and people who maybe actually remember the words to auld lang syne.

and i hope the same for you too, dear reader. happy new year.

p.s. i miss your "metronome" series of blog posts.

tough love

2007-12-30T18:52:00.000-06:00

WHAT?!

come here.

closer.

little more.

THWACK!

there.

believe me, you deserve it.

now your turn.

resolved

2007-12-30T17:11:00.000-06:00

1. talk less, listen more.
2. find a home church.
3. have my place thoroughly cleaned by camodidi's next visit.

you?

accompagnato (tenor)

2007-12-22T23:05:00.000-06:00

comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God. speak ye comfortably to jerusalem, and cry unto her, that her warfare is accomplished, that her iniquity is pardoned. the voice of him that crieth in the wilderness:

prepare ye the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.

illin'

2007-12-19T15:54:00.000-06:00

and i'm soooooooo hungry.

i don't know whether i have gastroenteritis or simple food poisoning, but the etiology of my symptoms is irrelevant. the bottom line is that i can't eat. i can barely drink without having crampy pain. in the past 36 hours i have eaten nine crackers, and that's it.

i'm getting better, for sure. what's more difficult than the abdominal pain is the prospect that i won't be able to eat what i want for another day or so. while trying to sleep off the illness, i have dreams about sushi, pasta, shellfish, wine, soups, burgers, pie. even chicken broth and rice.

such torture.

on the bright side, my belly is nice and flat.

delusions of grandeur

2007-12-15T22:35:00.000-06:00

or perhaps not.

i have an idea. it's a big idea that feels far-fetched. it's for the kids.

here's the thing. i've generally been a girl who can make things happen. most of these things are small, but a few of them have been medium to big and some have even been successful.

now that i'm older and (even though it may not feel like it and my paycheck may not reflect it) higher up in the world, i am in contact with bigger people who can help make bigger things happen.

so. let's see how this big idea turns out.

one thing i have discovered about myself as this process starts is that along with the bigness of the idea goes the bigness of my ego. that was another awesome sentence. inside i am wanting credit for my idea and expect a certain type of personal gain. i've caught some pretty grandiose fantasies by the tail as they run through my head. so you know what? remember that old "attitude o' gratitude" thing i had going on? that thing kept my ego in check. i may have to pick it back up again.

anyway, i'm excited about this big thing. it should be fun. it's way more fun than my actual job.

hi.

2007-12-11T21:20:00.000-06:00

welcome back.

good to see you again, even if you're keeping quiet in the back corner there.

i have to say, i'm surprised to see you. i thought it was over between us, all because of a misunderstanding.

but i'm glad you're here.

and you know, i'm still the same old me. i kind of want to hide some of that old stuff, because it's so hard to explain, but what the heck. may as well leave it all hanging out. it's just a blog.

so,

hi.

city life

2007-12-11T21:06:00.000-06:00

i like to walk at night.

i especially like to walk around at night in the summer. it's hot here right now (why? i don't know) so that's why i say that. i like night because it's cooler, and you feel the moisture coming down onto the grass. i like the smells of the night too, even when they are bad smells. i like feeling cars pass by. i like the quiet, and the noises, and seeing little animals every once in a while, doing whatever it is animals do in the evening. i like that all the harsh details in daylight are gone; i hear my thoughts better. it's like when you are driving during the day, and you get close to the destination you've been seeking so you turn down the radio to see better. opposite, but the same.

i sort of live in the 'hood, though, so walking about isn't really the safest thing for a fragile little bunny to do, no matter how sharp her teeth and claws. so the next best thing is driving.

i like driving. at night. going fast is fun. i like driving for long stretches in places i don't know very well. i can listen to music and see lots of different things and places as i pass by. as long as i vaguely know the general direction home i'm okay. i also like the interface with my ride, my ride so fly. it drives well, what can i say?

but i live in a city. city driving is N.F. which stands for no fun. traffic is no fun. city highways are no fun. and the rest. you know?

so what does that leave me?

i don't know.

insight

2007-12-07T22:31:00.001-06:00

recently i have been happier than i have been in a long time.

[back of hand to forehead]
why? oh why, oh whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

[shaking head]
how can this be?

[face in hands, sobbing]
what could possibly be bringing joy to my blessed life?

[throwing hands up]
what's the use in being happy?

[shaking fist at sky]
what does it all mean?

we are such ridiculous creatures.

papá

2007-12-07T00:50:00.000-06:00

yes, we were all home for the thanksgiving holiday.

one of the things i remember most fondly actually makes me gag.

you see, for as long as we can remember our father has gagged while brushing his teeth. we always thought of it as a funny quirk of his, inexplicable as all the others. maybe he was brushing every surface in his oral cavity so vigorously that, in efforts to get clean, he set off his gag reflex; we didn't know.

one night, for some reason, camodidi and i decided we were going to get ready for bed in our parents' bathroom. our father gagged as he brushed his teeth. we giggled.

someone, maybe our mother, finally asked. "why do you make yourself gag like that?"

"i don't know," he replied. he paused, then (was that a half-smile we detected?) he added,

"feels good."

i cannot begin to explain to you the humor we found in this, a revelation of one of the many mysteries of the complex man that is our father. that he would bother to explain it to us was surprising in itself, and that the answer was so stupefyingly and fundamentally simple was just hilarious to us.

we laughed. hard.

so.

tonight, while i was brushing my teeth, i gagged. and then i laughed.

and now i have to clean up the toothpaste from everywhere.

green eyes

2007-12-07T00:16:00.001-06:00

nope. my eyes are brown.

chances are, i am happy for you.

chances are, you have something i want and cannot have.

but chances are also good that i have something you want and cannot have.

so. it being the holiday season and all, what do you get for people who have everything except the things they can't have? and why can't we just share?

i love you guys. sorry if the season passes by before i let you know in other ways.

--cb.

p.s. kirk, i haven't forgotten to reply yet...

interpersonal relations

2007-11-29T19:57:00.001-06:00

me: "...i must have poor coping skills or something."

my boss: "no. that's not it. it's that you have low tolerance for fools."

what an interesting way to say it

and how frighteningly accurate.

ouch

2007-11-18T13:03:00.000-06:00

today

all the cheery

people and decorations and sunshine and songs on my ipod and colors and words

really hurt me.

ouch.

silenced

2007-11-13T11:16:00.000-06:00

and suddenly, at ~23:17 last night, my voice stopped working and there appeared in my throat a very focal, scratchy pain, as if an invisible cosmic hand had come down and raked its nails over my vocal cords.

maybe it's Someone's way of telling me to shut up and listen.

the pod people

2007-11-02T17:19:00.001-06:00

i have re-joined them.

reasons why

2007-10-29T18:04:00.000-06:00

finishing clinic, i stopped by my mailbox and found a card from one of our patient's families. the little guy was in the hospital for a long time, and made it home several months ago. as he was cared for by nearly all of the fellows at some point, i don't know why this family chose to contact me. they sent me a card of thanks and two photos of my patient.

the first one was a picture of us together. i have to say, it's kind of a sad picture. he looks rather feeble; he is gaunt, plethoric, and blue. i was post-call, sallow, with dark circles under my bespectacled eyes, hair in a crazy ponytail. he grimaces weakly as i hold him in my arms and muster a pathetic smile.

the second picture is one that i'm guessing the family will send out for their holiday greetings. he's gotten really big. he's decked out in a seasonal jumper, and is a rosy-cheeked, roly-poly infant giving the camera a big drooly open-mouthed toothless smile. he was caught mid-laugh. he looks hardy and happy. really happy.

i immediately posted the pictures above my desk.

i'm excited to have started my collection of photos of my patients, sent by their parents in celebration of how far they have come.

i can look at my collection and remember. i confess that i had forgotten.

these are my reasons why.

mysterious

2007-10-28T21:25:00.000-06:00

i have been staying up waiting for the nausea to go away so that i can eat dinner.

it's not that i can't go to bed without eating,

it's that i want to eat. i like to eat. i want dinner.

but i haven't cooked anything, and it's too late to start up a meal,

so i guess i'll have some water and go to bed without supper.

in the meantime i have done a lot of laundry and have been looking for one of my cd's. you see, even though it is one of my favorites, it is always missing. it was missing for somewhere between one and two years when i lived in the other place, and i found it about twenty-four hours after i bought a second copy. i gave the second copy to camodidi, and then promptly lost my original. i found it in time to move here, and now it is again lost.

how mysterious.

i put the songs on my computer, and can listen to them that way, but still. it's mysterious.

nausea

2007-10-28T20:16:00.000-06:00

there is so much out there all about pain

songs, poems, books, paintings, research projects and whatever else one could imagine

but i think people fail to give credit to nausea for how powerful it is.

it can seriously debilitate a person. in fact, the only other physical experience i dread more is a migraine. and that might even be because of the nausea involved.

so. here's giving nausea its props.

i'm hoping that in so doing, i can get it to leave me alone this evening.

bleah.

the answer

2007-10-23T21:38:00.000-05:00

a cold wind blew in sunday night, and with it, the answer.

BLUES.

yes, still. something slow and heavy, with a lot of electric bass, with rhythm guitar sparingly on the off-beats.

i don't seem to have any in my collection!...

ignoring

2007-10-22T21:36:00.000-05:00

i can't do it all.

i'm still going to try.

update

2007-10-21T21:28:00.001-05:00

i think i did well on my exam. i think?

my piano is here (more on that later).

i am finally making those doctors' appointments i've needed to make. things are coming together.

i have been exercising daily for a couple of weeks now. (did you know that six-pack abs was once a pretend lifetime goal of mine? that and breaking glass with my voice. i was just kidding about these because i thought them impossible. now i wonder if they may be feasible after all.)

i am going to florida in a couple of weeks, and hawaii in february.

i am truly motivated to clean my place.

i have made a small step toward deciding about my career.

i have some time to finish my charting, and hope to be done with it and my i.r.b. in a couple of weeks.

another someone else's babydaddy hit on me. i think this makes three. no thanks. at least this one's child is not illegitimate. what a not-nice word. that and "invalid". not nice words. but is "illegitimate" any worse than "bastard"? speaking of that, the married guy bought me another present. i remain uncomfortably suspicious. are there any single men who don't have children out there?

music is again a part of my life. i am in an uncomfortable place where i cannot identify what style of music best fits as the soundtrack to this part of my life. unusual.

the weather is beautiful here, and i'm getting a little sun by the pool every once in a while. not to get tan, just to get sun. vitamin d and mood enhancement and all that.

i miss my friend saara.

i miss my parents, who are traveling abroad.

i need a hug, but am doing okay without one.

my burn is healing.

my life, as you can see, is boring.

sometimes boring is good.

something new

2007-10-21T09:09:00.000-05:00

oh, did i forget to mention?

i am suddenly obsessed with becoming fit.

not skinny, which i already am. fit.

of course that means getting up at 0400 instead of 0500 to exercise

but, evidently, it's necessary.

doctor-recommended, after all.

weather

2007-10-15T21:36:00.000-05:00

what is it about the rain today

that has made me so happy?

like, relieved happy.

i do not know.

also, happy birthday to my cousin LA, who does not live in LA, but, in fact, nowhere near it.

wound

2007-10-13T17:59:00.001-05:00

i burned myself.

i now have a moderate-sized second-degree burn on my forearm.

now that the skin over the blistering has broken, it hurts again. it probably needs to be debrided (meaning i will need to scrub the painful wound until the remaining dead skin sloughs off).

i wish someone could help me take care of it.

but i'm fine. now i'm wondering how on earth i am to scrub in on monday with an open, weeping wound on my forearm.

stopping

2007-10-05T23:23:00.000-05:00

ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

i'mbusyi'mbusyi'mbusyi'mbusy!

chartstodictateanddiagramstodrawandbuncheso
foralpresentationstoprepareandmyfriendwantst

ogotoafestivaltomorrowandMYPIANOARRIVES

INTHEMORNINGandi'monfreakingCALLonsun

dayandmypresentationsaremondayandtonsofmy

workisoverdueandiactuallyhavethisoralexamiha

vetostudyforandihaven'tevenstartedreadingforth

atyetandistillhavetoworkouteverymorningandea

trightandsoi'mgoingtobedsoearlyandgettingupso

oooooooearlyandthereusuallyisn'teventimetosto

psowhyamiblogging?!

ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

c'mon, get happy

2007-10-01T21:18:00.000-05:00

yeah, so as you've guessed, i've found myself down.

but i had forgotten! one of the little truths that actually works (despite myself)

act happy, be happy.

i had my own clinic today, and i met some new patients and fmailies. i do have to assume a certain role in clinic, and that is one of "delighted to meet you, happy to serve you, and i am honored to help your child."

the thing is, when i act happy (i.e. happy pediatrician, get it?), the kids (and parents) get happy. then the kids do something funny or cute or otherwise endearing, and i get happy. and the same is true for the staff and other doctors, although they are admittedly not quite so cute or endearing.

and so today my mood has been buffered a little bit.

thank God.

it's official

2007-10-01T21:15:00.001-05:00

my clothes don't fit anymore.

i have to begin taking care of myself. who has time for that?

stupid thirty.

frivolity

2007-09-30T22:40:00.000-05:00

because i can't leave those heavy posts on top. wouldn't want a top-heavy blog, would we now?

legacy

2007-09-30T22:26:00.000-05:00

leaving work i was afflicted with a most devastating thought. it had to do with being alone, and dying alone, and what exactly would my life have been for?

"i must leave behind something beautiful," i thought to myself resolutely.

it could not be a child. what, then? a song, a poem, a work of art, something? the saved lives of my patients was now not enough— someone else would have saved them had i not done so. and all those other things seemed trivial trinkets anyway.

and very clearly i knew. the fundamental elements came to the forefront of my mind.

the answer is, as it is for every man,

spiritual legacy.

oh, crap.

clarity

2007-09-30T22:19:00.000-05:00

grasping my heartstrings i pulled, and pulled, and dug in my heels and pulled against the growing weight on my heart. a valiant effort i put forth, but when i wasn't paying attention, things slipped, and down it sank to find a place in my chest just below my xiphoid process and above my stomach. oh. a familiar feeling.

i was driving at the time, and someone cut me off. i didn't care. it was then that i realized that sometimes it's good to have issues, a little something weighing you down, to keep you grounded. the little trivial things that might normally have one flying off the handle are again appropriately trivial.

i couldn't find a parking spot. patiently i circled around to the top level, where the birds were thick. bird poop was inevitable. oh well. i parked my car. i pushed the down button for the elevator and waited, contemplating the clarity that comes with being alone. my issue tonight was indeed loneliness, and though it had weighed me down, submerging my heart in a puddle of muddled emotion, it brought me to a place of surprisingly lucid insight. again it was about myself, and the world, and my place in the world, and God, and existence, and all that stuff that people don't usually think about.

the elevator stopped on every floor on the way down. seven. six. five. no one got on. on four a maintenance man enetered the elevator. the flashlight in his back pocket was on. i said nothing and kept staring at the floor. he must have noticed my funk from the expression on my face, because he took it upon himself to ask me how i was doing. "just fine," i lied. pause. "your light is on." "oh, i left my taillight on!" it was kinda funny.

i exited the elevator and then the garage. a flock of birds took off from the top of the garage in a winding, climbing motion. i noted the oddly curved trajectory of their flight path, and then thought to myself how odd it was that i'd notice and think about such a thing. continuing to walk, i wondered how many people observe and think of important things when they feel like this, because they are feeling like this. i wondered if these people do so because they are alone, or if they are alone because they do so.

then i got to work and worked.

i wonder how tomorrow will be.

worst

2007-09-30T18:03:00.000-05:00

camodidi set out less than an hour ago, leaving me with that feeling that i hate most in the entire world. you know the one? you've had friends/family over or party at your place, and once everyone leaves it is just so freaking empty. empty and quiet. and i don't know what to do with myself. even though there's just so much i need to do, i don't want to do anything because i feel bad.

it sucks. it's the worst.

(it's a version of the feeling of abandonment. that's why.)

so i have the tv on loud and am sitting at the computer, blogging. writing stuff that just a very few people will read.

it won't take long for this feeling to pass, because i'm going to drive to the hospital and immerse myself in all the paperwork i have to do. i've never before understood people who throw themselves into work in this way for this reason-- now i guess i have gained a little more insight into that phenomenon. it sucks too, by the way.

and tomorrow, hopefully, it will be back to the usual game.

but tonight when i get home from the hospital i am going to redeem my credit card rewards points for a free ipod touch. so there.

old school

2007-09-25T23:42:00.001-05:00

more impressive than what she's famous for.