ubba ubba

so get this.

you know how on most tv series there's an episode where somebody is in a hospital on new year's eve and people are all like giving birth and getting born and it's supposed to be all exciting because of the obvious and tired symbolism?

tha's gonna be me tomorrow night. check me out. i'm workin' the holiday, 'cept on t'other end.

oh, and did i mention i'm also covering the e.r. at the same time? i'm sure the idiocy factor will be high there on new year's eve. goodie, just my favorite kind of worknight.

woo hoo.

at least it's cool to work with newborns.

home

home!

home home, HOME home home hoooooome!

i truly was excited to come home. i actually sort of scampered down the sidewalk with my suitcase in tow, i was so eager to get back into my place. oh, and i don't even have a "things to do when i get home" list going.

it's nice when the things you're excited about are this simple. one's expectations are always met, and sometimes they are even exceeded.

i suppose it was foolish of me to announce my departure and length of time away. if you knew where i lived you could have come and robbed me. fortunately i own very little that anyone else would value. as a matter of fact, i was able to scoff when my insurance agent offered me renter's insurance by saying, "and what about your furs and jewelry?"

sorry, babe. the only fur i own is this exquisite tiger-striped rabbit you see on me, and who needs jewelry when you already sparkle the way i do?

ugh

six days.

six whole days.

it's too long. today i leave the camo family home base and head back to the comfort of my own hutch, much to my relief. perhaps there i can lay down arms.

winter break

six days.
six whole days!

that's almost decadent to me. i get six days off of work for christmas. i haven't had a christmas "break" this long since i was in school.

i'm stoked. why, i don't know, since we will be doing nothing special and i know i will be bored out of my mind. i won't have my stuff with me either.

though it may go against my grain completely, it's times like these when i realize that there is indeed inherent good to being excited for excitement's sake. ain't nothing in particular good's gonna happen, but i'm excited anyway. that's definitely a good thing (hear it, "it's a good thing." you know, the way martha stewart says it) in my life.

so this is it! tonight is it! in the morning i'm off to the camo family home base. whoop! (no, not woot. "whoop". as in the terminal sound of whooping cough. or as pronounced in "i'm gonna give yo' hide a whuppin'.")

0h yeah, i have one more thing to say.

EGG NOG!

kablooie

so it's the end of the day, and i'm trying to unwind. the day didn't end up being as horrible as it started. still, there's a tension inside me as i drive home, hang up all my stuff, go upstairs to fill my humidifier, get changed, and check my e-mail one last time.

then i see it. one last e-mail of the day, and it really pushes my buttons. intentionally.

i want to explode, as inside i'm raging with punches and and swear words, but there's no one here but me, and there's no point in being destructive or loud. so instead i am slowly imploding. i want to berate him, to express my anger, focus it all within this giant laser cannon of a temper that i have and hit him right in the midsection with it, taking out some of what's above and more of what's below. i want to scream at him to get out of my life, but i shouldn't, because i know it is all that i am being unreasonable.

i am unreasonable inside quite often and i know it. so i scroll down to read my post from before about the itch to be mean. i try to guess whether or not this has been building since then. i decide that it has not.

i take a deep breath and think about what dr. s. said the other day. that he thinks i'm a nice person. i informed him that assuredly, i am not nice inside. then i realize that my deeds reflect otherwise. grace and mercy and goodness inside me somehow overrides the evil, critical, high-tempered angry parts of me and i still treat people with respect even when i am completely pissed off.

what the heck.

so tonight i'll just say it again.

happy christmas, you idiot.

you'd better thank God that somehow He is making me nice.

cubicle sounds

yes, i'm in the cubicle farm again. that's why i'm posting so much.

the woman in the cubicle next to me is eating.

little does she know that one of the sounds i can't stand is the sound of people eating noisily.

she's eating a salad. i hear the plastic fork scrape across her teeth and i hear her chewing with her mouth open. the lettuce is crisp. dangit. there are some juicy bits of stuff in there too.

the smell doesn't bother me. it's the sound.

it's 10:30. why is she eating a salad? why can't she keep her mouth closed when she chews?

why am i so disagreeable? don't answer that. i already know. why can't i charge my mp3 player and listen to it at the same time?

oh. she's done.

wow. i feel relief.

maybe i didn't sleep enough last night. maybe i just need a nap.

trying

think happy thoughts ... think happy thoughts ...

bunnies! puppies! newborn babies!

ice cream! eggnog! eggnog ice cream!

vacations in hawaii. finding money in my coat pocket. finding nemo and the cute little clown fishies. food samplers.

gingerbread. cornbread. asiago cheese bread.

happy surprises. like unexpected christmas presents. and the package i got yesterday which came a week early. making new friends.

getting a good gift. giving the perfect gift. wrapping presents.

massages. oh yeah, massages.

my ride! my ride so fly.

finishing projects. finishing well. winning. helping someone.

healing the sick. watching kids get better.

making music. making music well. making music badly and laughing one's head off about it.

shnitzel with noodles; brown paper packages tied up with string...

gasp! sob.

maybe i'll just put on some music.

bad start

this does not bode well.

i haven't even been up for 2 hours yet, and

my issues are raging this morning. talk about issues. iss-youse.

to top it off, the very person, the living reminder of the extremely bad in my life nearly collided with me on my way out of the elevator. just when i was thinking about what i'd do if i ever met or saw that person.

whatever happened to "the morning is wiser than the evening"? even though i'm not a morning person, i generally enjoy the mornings i'm up for and am happy in the morning. did i do this to myself today? how'd i get on that subject?

God help me through what looks to be a horrible day.

count 'em

monday, tuesday, wednesday.

a-one, a-two-hoo, a-thrrrreeeee.

thrrrree. it takes three days off of work, hanging out in my apartment by myself, for me to get bored and actually want to talk to people.

i go in at 0700 tomorrow.

the itch

there it is again.

it starts out little, but it's definitely there. and then it gets more and more noticable.

i've got the itch to be mean to somebody. mean, but not malicious. like a sniper with a pea-shooter. ohhhh, wouldn't that be fun! watching his ego deflate before my eyes.

ka-pwing! ffffffffftt.

but i shan't.

happy christmas, you idiot.

congrats

congrats to cousinray.

he knows why. sorry i can't say it here. but people like aklemmer could check it out in the local newspaper.

here's a link to something i said before. (relativity theory)

not to say that all people i'm related to are all that. because they're not.

adorable

i'm not really into online quizzes but this result was too good to pass up. this one's for kj (and a little bit in reference to my previous post from yesterday).

which absurd cat are you?


you scored as "pissed at the world cat". and here we have the next serial killer. try having some cotton candy, it'll make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, psycho.

my turn

today i received a christmas present in the mail.

it's thoughtful, and best of all, it was completely unexpected.

that's my favorite kind, you know.

it's absolutely perfect.

thank you.

laugh with me

(snicker)

today i wore an ill-fitting button-up sweater vest.

oh come on; it's funny.
i'm two cats away from honorary old maid-hood.

admit it

i’m too much for you aren’t i?

i’ve said it before; i’m the most prolific blogger i know.

it may be the case that my stuff would get read more if i posted less.

of course, there’s always the other possibility. that NO ONE CARES! AHHHHHHhahahahahahaha!

i think it's funny when...

... non-musicians talk about music.

so,

if i don't leave it on the front page forever, does it never get read?

feels like...

suddenly tonight i want it to rain. really badly. i want it to rain hard. cold, cold rain, with terrible thunder.

then feeling down might feel acceptable, and i'd feel better about that.

beautiful

logging on tonight i was thinking that i hadn't posted anything in a long time. now i look and find i still post nearly every day. weird to reset my perspective.

some bad writing tonight. no apologies:

anyway, the most beautiful thing i saw today was going to be the bluejay that flitted from one tree to another amidst the brown deadness we were driving past in the ambulance while going to pick up the patient that was going to be either zero, one, two, or three patients because of some other hospital's poor planning and lack of organization. instead of stressing about that i was thinking about how i am never the one to notice wildlife out the car window. people even point stuff out to me and i can't see it. deer and turkey and crap. but for three-tenths of a second i saw this brilliant blue, with black, and white, the only bright color in this endless scene of brown, grey, and dull green, in this fog, on this tortuous road that was nearly too narrow for our rig. (today i started using the word "rig". it seems so much more fitting for the behemoth vehicle than "truck".) and i was the only one who saw it. it was really beautiful, just for the split second. out of the 6.5 hours of a trip. a trip that ended up being for nought. zero patients. during a flood.

it sounds all so non sequitur but it makes sense because of the complete weirdness of the trip. i could make myself neither scared nor calm on the way out there. so i knitted. just to add to the surreal nature of the situation (got poked fun at, knitting in my flight suit, motorcycle boots, and leather jacket).

i'm not going to share my thoughts on rural living tonight. i've done that briefly on this blog already. but there were a lot of thoughts about that on this long trip too.

but no, the most beautiful thing i saw today was my friend's little boy. he's just now 12 months old. he has a viral upper respiratory infection and he looked absolutely pathetic. and adorable. he's got rosy pink cheeks, alabaster skin, fine hair. he also had snot streaming out his nose and red swollen eyes that had green mucus oozing out of them, clumping up in his eyelashes. like i said, he looked as though he felt completely miserable. still, as the evening went on (another potluck. i'm eating so well lately) he remained pleasant, and actually became cheerful and downright winning, with a bright smile, laughing through the watery eyes and mucoid discharge. in his little blue fleecy pajamas with the footies. and teeming with (likely) parainfluenza virus.

DON'T get me wrong. i SO do NOT want a baby in my life. not now. not anytime soon. what was beautiful was his resilient, happy little spirit. not a single person i know would possibly have been that chipper while feeling as ill as he must have felt. he really is a blessing to his mother. and tonight, to me, evidently.

that's all.

blankity-blanket

because we said we'd post pictures of our projects.

details:
color detail
stitch detail
steve wearing blanket

worty dirds

swearing is a cop-out.

that's right. you heard me.

i find that there are almost always more creative and apt ways to express one's sentiment than swear words. most people who swear are simply being too lazy or too dumb to find a more fitting way to say what they want to say. all you have to do is string together a bunch of words referring to deity, close relatives, and/or bodily functions and you're done. if you can manage to express yourself in aforementioned creative and apt manner, it can actually have greater impact then just bleeping all over the place using someone else's tired ol' profanity. this happens to be a major reason why i choose not to include those words in my everyday speech.

you may have noticed i said "almost". this is because those particular words have a definition, and sometimes a person or a situation fits that definition exactly. sometimes there just isn't a more fitting word than a swear word.

there. my disclaimer's in. for the record, and may it please whomever. i don't really care.

relativity theory

(it was a draft, jotted down hurriedly in bits and phrases about eight weeks ago. i was going to come back to it and fill it in— no, not with shading and detail; i wasn't even that far yet. think more along the lines of connecting the dots. it's been long enough now that i've lost all but the outline of my original vision, and i have decided this skeletal version just might suffice in its own unmasticated, awkward way. )

there is a bolt of artistic ability that has ripped a fiery streak across the face of my family tree. (this is my father’s side of the family.) in our generation it glows most brightly. it is alive, throwing off sparks of genius. for some it has just begun burning through ensnaring vines, the confusion of an entangling adolescence. for some, time of transition has brought room to move, stand up tall and stretch out to take control of our domains. the rest of us have seized opportunites of adulthood and begun wielding our talents efficiently and effectively.

there are eleven of us all told. amongst these it is manifest in high artistry— music and writing, painting, sculpting, poetry. healing.
and those are just the ones i know. it goes on.
it is in our blood.

it is power.

a seminal spark from the loins of an ancestor we have in common. like lightning. unstoppable.

it IS in our blood. it burns like fire in my veins, shooting from my pounding heart down to my belly, through my fingertips, out my eyes.

so too runs emotional lability. because that ancestor was a jerk. anger. resentment. arrogance. high tempers. domination. stubbornness. depression. anxiety. self-doubt. fear of failure. control issues.

we all sit perched precariously atop our neighboring pedestals, squawking our resentments at one another for having been put there, or puffing out ruffled chests in keeping them to ourselves.

i must wonder, have they inherited this same seed of whatever, this fiery ember? glowing coal? —oh, i have received a heavy, heavy dose—that smoulders relentlessly, to be good, to be good, to be good. to be right. to be good. why? because good is better than bad, that’s why. and better, better is even better. too smart to try for perfect or best but always better. better. it can always be better.

could we even survive if in the same room? the fires burning so brightly.... i can only imagine the blinding brilliance just before all the oxygen is used up and we are extinguished each and every one.

houseguests

aaaaaaah!

they're coming, they're coming, and the house is still a complete disaster!

aaaaaaah! i can't find my car keys! the living room light bulb burned out and i can't find a replacement at the store! i'm out of peanut butter and my garlic is sprouting shoots!

aaaaaaah! it snowed and i just tracked salt and mud onto my carpet! orange toothpaste got squirted onto my white bathmat in a freak electric toothbrush accident! it's too cold to do anything outside so my guests will want to stay in to watch tv at my place and i don't have cable! my bathroom sink just clogged up!

... ahem. (deep cleansing breath.) please allow me some personal time to finish freaking out and then entertain for the weekend.

aaaaaaah!...

mystery

hurried photo by camobunny, 8/2004

i get espresso, soda, smoothies. that's easy.
what did the red words say?

blasts from my pasts

yesterday i ran into three different people, each from different parts of my past. they were each people i cared about and think of here and there but never expected to see or talk to again. each wanted to talk and catch up. i will probably never see any of them again.

i don't know how to feel about that, so i feel nothing i guess.

i know

sometimes people will tell me, "i haven't read your blog lately..."

and it's usually in a somewhat apologetic tone. now that's not necessary. because:

1. i already know they haven't been reading my blog. i can keep track when i want to.
2. since when is reading my blog a requirement?
3. i already know that people tend to think and care about me less than i think and care about them, and have come to terms with that fact. it doesn't make it less painful, but it keeps me from being resentful.
4. why waste time apologizing about NOT doing something? if you feel guilty for not doing something, go do it.
5. reading my blog isn't quite the same thing as keeping in touch with me. and THAT's what people should apologize for, failing to keep in touch with me.

now, failing to remember or think of me, i don't think it's possible to blame someone for that. for that, that is simply how life is.

charisma

that's it! that's the missing ingredient.

where do i get me some of that?

cubicle women

i'm mildly amused at the conversations i can hear around me. ah, the cubicle farm.

one woman is on the phone discussing her christmas gift ideas with someone. she has mentioned "trans-siberian orchestra", so i have automatically lost respect for her. another woman is talking about rolling pins and cookie cutters for baking holiday goodies. i am entertained at the idea that on the other ends of their phone lines are probably other middle-aged women sitting in cubicles at their workplaces, not working either.

i scoff a bit. then i look up at the blog in front of me, and down at the knitting project in my lap (an in-house call day). now i'm laughing to myself indeed.

this is what happens in the cubicle farm on the 11th floor of our prestigious medical institution. i'll bet this is what happens in cubicle farms everywhere.

no wonder we never get anything done as a country.

indecent exposure

while writing a personal e-mail at work, a colleague of mine approached my cubicle. i quickly minimized my window and turned toward him in one smooth motion.

what i did not realize is that the window underneath that was my secret super-personal blog that i have let no one see but myself. it described the content of my last dream, that migraine-induced, bizarre, hallucination of a random piece of medical/romantic fiction.

i turned back and discovered this. i hope that he didn't see. if he did...

oh, who the freak cares?

circadia

time has become meaningless to me.

on days that i work in the morning i get up at 0530. some people think this is early. others think it's late. in reality, it is neither. that number, 0530, holds no value. this is because my work shifts occur at a variety of times of the day or night, and i may go to bed or wake up at any time at all.

because i have no (or very few) external factors in my life that provide diurnal setpoints—no other people in the house who keep particular daytime hours, few regularly scheduled daytime activities outside of work— my life floats detached from the usual plane of days marked off with sunrises and sunsets. i hover above the pages of my schedules, and as i peer out from my particular vantage point, the lines on the calendar boxes blur and disappear.

any time of day or night, it all feels the same to me. i can't decide whether or not this is a bad thing. in any case, it is what it is, and it will not change for another 7 months, so i will continue to live as such.

neighborly

"good moooorniing, doctor!"

it's one of my neighbors. she lives a few doors down.

she is a couple decades older than i am, and very round. i've never really spoken with her; i suppose she knows what i do because of my white coat or scrubs.

i've long sensed that something is not quite right with her. the absent-minded look on her face. the way she hovers by her door. the way that the man she lives with (relative? spouse?) assumes a frustrated, protective posture and rushes her back inside. the frequency with which i see him bringing pizza boxes home.

but on a nice morning, she is out in her white sneakers, enjoying the sun. she sees me.

the enthusiasm of her sing-songy greeting, the pure candor of her smile, the sense that she is actually, for some reason, happy that she has seen me— all give me a really neighborly feeling toward her.

i put a little extra cheer in my voice as i greet her good morning. then i get in my car and drive away.

i hope her life is okay.

design flaw

okay.

who's the smart guy who put the electronic driver's seat controls right next to the beverage holder?

lookit

it's where people are when they visit my blog. i think it's kinda cool.

affective

"...music can be almost, if not more affective then words."

there's a non-musician blogger out there who said that on her blog. someone asked me my opinion on the statement.

i blathered on a bit about the difference between "affective" and "effective" and which i thought this writer meant (the latter).

then i stated that "music is most definitely and inherently (almost by definition!) more affective than words."

and i went on.

"of course, it depends on what your objectives are. words and music have very different purposes. one could put them all in one giant umbrella category called 'expression,' but that is where that cohorting ends and it is very blah and i don't like it. some things you NEED words for. other things you MUST NOT use words for. sometimes music is in order, and at others, not."

all that having been said (were you wondering if i was going to make a point?), that is why i have added a link where you can listen to camobunny's theme song du jour. it, along with the color of my camo/background, ought to give you a better idea of where i'm coming from when the things i write alone cannot.

ignore it if you'd like. there are plenty of reasons to do that. be thankful i didn't just make the music play automatically in the background. oh yeah, and the file host is rather unreliable too, sometimes cutting the song short.

but if you listen, you just may understand.

10/19/2004

i was a-rummagin' through my e-mail to find something i wrote a little while ago. i was going to share it with you to help explain the addition of my new "theme song du jour" feature.

i found this instead and don't remember having written it at all. i kind of like it. so here it is. edited as i saw fit.

have you ever had one of those days when you can't stop embarrassing yourself? and maybe it's just stuff that no one else notices, it's just like, "aw man, why did i have to open my mouth and say THAT?" and other people, most of whom don't matter or you're never going to see again, don't notice anyway, or even if they do, who cares?

have you ever had one of those days when everything just makes you think of something else? like you are going through life as a reference to everything else besides your life?

have you ever had one of those days when you realize just how consequential each word you say, each action you perform, really is? like how do i tell this mother the diagnosis of her child in a way that won't scar them both for life? how do i keep from becoming an important person in their lives while telling them the most important words they may hear in a long time? especially since they may never see me again?

have you ever had one of those days when everything looks grey, no matter what color it really is?

have you ever had one of those days when you realize you hate all the people you work with?

have you ever had one of those days when you just want to NOT do the right thing? where you'd rather just be hateful, or maybe just selfish, and to actually go out and use your abilities to go out and just take what you want for once? to not put others first, not work for the future, not try to be good or right or responsible? to not even think about what the right thing is but to just do what you feel like? to act without thinking? isn't it weird to realize there are people who live that way all the time?

have you ever had one of those days when you realize just how inconsequential you really are?

have you ever had one of those days when you turn up the heater in your place and hang around in your underwear, just because you feel like it? that's doing what you feel like without trying to be good or right or responsible!

have you ever had one of those days when you realize nobody knows who you are? like spiderman-- spiderman.

have you ever had one of those days when you realize how many people you have love for, who don't know it?

have you ever had one of those days when you realize, "wow, pms is real."

have you ever had one of those days when you realize there are all kinds of people out there who never ever ever think about things the same way you do?

have you ever had one of those days when the only people you make a real connection with are kids? like the kid in clinic today who was shy at first, but then started wanting to tell me all sorts of things. much more than adults ever want to talk about.

have you ever had one of those days when you realize that looks really do matter in your day-to-day life?

have you ever had one of those days when everything seems to have a deeper meaning?

i've had quite a day today.

sounds like it.

should i stay or should i go?

in seven months i’m moving to a new place, where things are bigger, people are smarter, and life will be harder. it worries me slightly.

i suppose i could move to a place where societal standards are lower, to escape expectations. to feel like a big fish in a small pond. to curry favor and to gather applause. to feel good.

nah, not my style. i’ve never been one to run from a challenge nor to delude myself .

that's hot

peter bruns is breathing in my ear.

i’m listening to his rendition of the bach cello suites. i believe we’re on a sarabande. i never noticed this before i listened to it with headphones, but you can hear his deep breathing in between certain phrases.

what does that mean?

partly, it means that he’s really living the song as a part of him. perhaps i should say he’s integrated the execution of this music into the vital functions of his being. if you’re a musician you know what i mean.

partly it means his mic is really hot.

good lil’ bloggie

some people actually treat their weblogs as logs. they’ll often read, “so today this happened. and then i did this. and then this. i kinda felt like this. the end.”

i don’t know. maybe my blog reads like that too.

oh well. it serves its purpose.

the verge

evidently, i spent all day on the verge of tears.

all day except lunchtime when i ate with my friend anonymous. she's anonymous only because she hasn't clicked on 'other' and picked a name for herself.

yeah, lunch was good. anon, she gets it, you know?

but back to the verge i didn't realize i was on. it hit me with "the nearness of you". i like that song so much; it was such a shame not to be able to do it well. gaptoof was gracious anyway.

i have never been one to cry prettily. none of this tears rolling silently down a cheek. no, it's red eyes, profuse amounts of snot, congestion, puffiness, and horrible black rivulets of eye makeup. it's just not pretty. the voice i cannot control either. so it wrecked what could have been a great tune for my voice.

i wish i could say i got it out of my system then, but i did not. i fought it off to save face.

dangit.

tunak tunak tun

although disappointed to have just found out that the lyrics translate like a love song,

i am pleased to say watching the video still makes me laugh inside. (see sidebar, wait patiently during download.)

i have yet to find my inner daler mendhi, but when i do— look out, world!